My boyfriend does not understand what the point of marriage is

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2602 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

He knows what the point is, he’s just playing dumb to get out of it. 

 

My husband is someone who “didn’t see the point” of marriage, in that he wouldn’t have bothered if it weren’t important to me. To him, it’s entirely possible to commit to someone for life without making it legal. The difference is, it WAS important to me, so he was happy to get married. It’s funny how many guys pull the “just a piece of paper” line and swear they’re just as committed without it. Well, if it truly is just a piece of paper and you’re in it for the long haul, what’s the big deal in signing the piece of paper if it makes your SO happy and provides a host of legal protections?

Post # 3
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Why is his view rigid because he doesn’t want to get married, but your mindset isn’t rigid?

He still doesn’t want to get married 5 years in, he isn’t lying or fobbing you off, he is telling you he consciously doesn’t want to get married. Stop deluding yourself that he will change his mind.

Post # 4
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

Have you known for five years what his views were? Or did you never discuss marriage prior to the conversation last year?

 

ETA: Sorry, I just read your post again that you first brought it up last year.

Post # 5
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I think you both have very valid, but different, viewpoints. Some people simply don’t believe they need to get married to have a long-term committed relationship, and that’s perfectly ok. I have lots of friends who don’t want to get married, and it’s not for everyone. But if your relationship goals don’t look the same, you guys need to sit down and have a loving, but honest, discussion about where your relationship is headed.

Post # 6
Member
7964 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The benefits of legal marriage differ from country to country but regardless–if he’s clear that this isn’t something that he wants and you are clear that it’s something you want then you are incompatible. Don’t assume he will change his mind.

Post # 7
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

Some people don’t want or value marriage the way others do. That doesn’t make their views crazy or rigid, they’re just different from yours and that’s ok. Since you do value and want marriage then it makes the two of you incompatible in your future goals. If you’re sticking around hoping to be able to get him to change his mind you will be sorely disappointed because he is being very straightforward and honest with you about his feelings regarding marriage.

Post # 8
Member
7859 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

 You need to decide whether marriage is important to you. If it is, then move on. Don’t twist his arm into doing something he doesn’t feel is right for him. If you wait around for another 5 years expecting him to change his mind, don’t be surprised when he doesn’t. He’s telling you the truth: believe him. 

Post # 9
Member
2060 posts
Buzzing bee

Stop trying to convince him- it’s not going to work.

Some threads on here describe a situation like what a pp mentioned where they weren’t hung-ho about marriage but weren’t bothered either way so they were happy to marry their partner because it made their partner happy. They didn’t have to be convinced- they were happy to marry their partner.

You are in a *completely different* situation- your SO has told you *multiple times* he doesn’t want to get married and isn’t going to. You can’t force him to marry you. 

You are deluding yourself and wasting your time. And please don’t keep trying to convince him- how would you feel if he kept trying to convince you to NOT want marriage? 

Go find someone who wants what you want. And next time don’t wait 4 years to find out if you’re on the same page.

Post # 10
Member
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

His view is perfectly fine. He’s been up front and honest with you since you brought it up. He isn’t trying to “get out of it” or playing dumb, he just doesnt want it. 

If you want to get married, you should find someone who wants to get married, not try to manipulate someone who doesnt want it. 

Post # 11
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
dnm998 :  you want different things,  move on. You’ve already given half a decade of your life to a relationship that is not leading to the marriage you clearly want.  Go already. 

Post # 12
Member
13646 posts
Honey Beekeeper

The fault is on both sides here, but I’m tired of the idea that forgoing marriage is just another, equally valid world view and therefore he’s done nothing wrong. Please.  Men know that the large majority of women are interested in marriage. For your boyfriend to let this relationship go on and on and on, for FIVE years, never mentioning his views, and only bringing up the bombshell that marriage is not for him when directly pushed on the subject is almost as bad in my mind as stringing someone along with promises. 

That doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for the position in which you find yourself now. I think it’s important to be on the same page about that from the very start. I can’t imagine being with someone for that length of time and never talking about what the future looks like. 

Right now, it’s simple. If never getting married is a deal breaker for you, you need to tell him just that. 

Post # 13
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Ask yourself if you could be coerced into believing that marriage is crazy and useless-if the answer is no, then there’s no reason that he should be convinced to believe in  something he doesn’t either. His belief and viewpoint is just as valid as yours. 

Post # 14
Member
564 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
dnm998 :  You shouldn’t have to force someone to marry you, honestly you should be happy that he is telling you this and being honest and upfront about it rather than stringing you along like we see on so many other threads. 

There’s nothing wrong with not getting married, plenty of people are happy to be in long term comitted relationships without being married. But like marriage, that type of relationship only works out if both people are on the same page, and clearly you’re not.

Post # 15
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

but I cannot convince him. Maybe it’s because I ramble and get emotional when discussing marriage, and I cannot articulate my thoughts very well.

 

Why do you want to get married, can you write out your reasons here?

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