My boyfriend does not understand what the point of marriage is

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 136
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

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dnm998 :  

“You said you told your fiance that you could not be with him unless he married you soon and you didn’t want to wait until after a few years, so basically you gave him an ultimatum? I guess ultimatums can work for some but they could also backfire…I don’t know how my boyfriend would react if I gave him an ultimatum. Did you give him a timeline and tell him you wanted to be engaged by such and such date?  

Also, do you mean you are waiting to get married before you move in with him or were you waiting until the engagement and now live with him? Does he (and you) not want to live together first to know if you are compatible living together? I was not thinking about marriage when we moved in together but I kind of feel like I would have wanted to know if we were compatible before we married if we were not already living together.”

The word ultimatum has a negative connotation. You could call it an ultimatum, but I was being honest with him. What I said was the truth- that marriage was non-negotiable and I needed the commitment from him. The only timeline I shared with him was for the wedding; I wanted to be married within 6 months. I did not have a timeline for the engagement because it was not needed as he proposed soon after we agreed that we will be marrying within 6 months. 

I understand that many couples prefer to live together for at least a few months or a year before getting married, but I will be moving in with him next month, about 1.5 months before our wedding. I renewed my tenancy this summer but I have decided to move in with him before it runs out. However, this is not to determine compatibility. I feel, based on our time together, that we are compatible and I don’t expect any problems over this. It’s different for everyone though and if you think it’s important to live together for some time before getting married, then you absolutely should. 

Going back to the original post, you should let your boyfriend know that marriage is non-negotiable for you, if it is. There is no point in holding back your thoughts. It will lead to frustration and resentment.

Post # 138
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

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dnm998 :  But it’s not an ultimatum to explain that you do not want to be bf/gf forever. Having a conversation to tell him that is not a threat.

Post # 139
Member
292 posts
Helper bee

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dnm998 :  OP, you have to communicate what you want as he can’t read your mind. Are you prepared to wait for years hoping that he changes his mind? How else will your relationship move forward in the direction you want?

Post # 140
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

You don’t want to give ultimatums, telling him what you want is threatening, he won’t listen to you unless you present logical reasons.

Do you realize how ridiculous these excuses sound? Just talk about it. You are making it sound like some herculean task. He’s your boyfriend of 5 years and you have to think a thousand times to avoid offending him?

Post # 141
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

There is no logical reason to get married if the person doesn’t WANT to.

Post # 142
Member
4775 posts
Honey bee

I’m legitimately curious why you seem to think you can even come up with reasons your boyfriend doesn’t already know.

If this robot you claim is so logical and practical that he can’t even comprehend or care about your feelings, why on earth do you think he doesn’t already know the things you might tell him and already decided they weren’t good enough to sway his opinion?

He’s a 28 year old man.  He wasn’t just waiting around for little old you to explain the birds and the bees and how marriage works.  If he did logical and practical research to come up with why he believes marriage is unnecessary because there are satisfactory alternatives to what marriage provides…wouldn’t he have to already know what marriage provides?  Because otherwise why would he believe the alternatives are better/easier/more attuned with his wants if he didn’t know what the original was?  You’re saying this logical and practical robot only googled “alternatives to marriage” and read only those things that don’t actually describe what marriage provides in the first place?  Someone who is so logical and practical would not completely weigh all of the alternatives before steadfastly planting his flag in one corner?

Or maybe you just have your head in the sand and don’t want to believe that he’s already looked at all the options.  Because that would mean he still doesn’t want to marry you and he still doesn’t care about your feelings on the subject.

Post # 143
Member
7964 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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dnm998 :  Why would you even want to marry someone with whom you cannot have honest and open conversation about what you want for your future? 

It’s not threatening to be honest about the fact that marriage is a dealbreaker for you. In fact, staying in the relationship and withholding that information isn’t fair to him or you.

Post # 146
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

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dnm998 :  He can be logical but still do something that is important to you. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Of course there’s a lot of logic in getting married, particularly if you are planning to have children together.

Post # 150
Hostess
4584 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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dnm998 :  I don’t want to give an ultimatum because ultimatums can easily backfire. 

By backfire, do you mean that he will tell you that marriage is never in the cards and you will have to break up with him?  I think he’s already made it pretty clear that that’s how he thinks/feels and any logic to the contrary isn’t going to change how he feels.  I sympathize with you bee.  One of my closest friends is in the same situation as you and is afraid to have this conversation with her S.O. because of what he might say (it’s pretty clear to me and our mutual friends that he will never propose).  Don’t put off a conversation because you’re afraid of the outcome.  Delaying is only going to hurt you and keep you in the relationship longer when you could be out finding your future husband. 

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