My boyfriend does not understand what the point of marriage is

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 91
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

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mrsssb :  She didn’t say he was calling her pushy. She herself does not want to appear pushy.

Post # 92
Member
1862 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html

See that link. It lists the financial benefits of marriage. What it doesn’t talk about is the additional paternity benefits that marriage confers (can only speak to CA law).

In my opinion, if a man tells a woman he doesn’t believe in marriage, he’s a) playing dumb to avoid commitment; b) truly does not believe in it as a matter of principle; and/or c) has his head far up his ass about the legal reality and is blinded by his heterosexual privilege. 

As a PP said, it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to marry at all or if he doesn’t want to marry YOU. It’s the same thing.

If you can’t communicate openly with your partner about your wants and needs and your JOINT future, you’re not ready for marriage yourself. 

I really do not recommend having children before marriage. It is very easy for men to walk away. If he does, good luck navigating the courts to track him down, prove paternity, then maybe get a cent of child support if you’re lucky. 

Post # 93
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

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dnm998 :  “He said he does not need to be married to be a responsible and loving father when I said that it would be better to have children after marriage.”

He’s saying that today when you have a happy relationship. What will happen if you have a child and then break up? As someone mentioned above, it will be a nightmare trying to get him to support his child if he decides he would rather not.

Post # 94
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

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dnm998 :  I was 27 and my husband was 28 when we got married. I got to know what his views were around a year into the relationship. We started having these discussions when we had been together for about 2-2.5 years. I felt ready to get married and made it clear that not getting married was not an option for me. We got engaged a few months later after the conversation that I wrote about in my previous post. 

Post # 95
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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beetobe27 :  I know that he hadn’t said that. I said don’t let anyone ever tell you that. 🤦‍♀️🙄

Post # 96
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

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dnm998 :  “I have not given ultimatums or said it’s a deal breaker because it would be so pushy and almost like you are threatening a break up. I will initiate this conversation again and word it so that he understands that I can’t be in a relationship that will not lead to marriage. “

Being honest that you want to be married and that it is the only option for you is not a threat. Being open about your expectations will save you from heartache down the line. Have this conversation with him as soon as you can.

Post # 97
Member
7850 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Why would you be so concerned about seeming “pushy” or making a threat when he’s perfectly happy to state how he feels and what he wants with no concern for you or what you want? Again, he doesn’t care if you don’t like what he wants; he isn’t changing his mind. It’s time you started watching out for you because he sure isn’t. 

Post # 98
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

He doesn’t think it’s pointless. He’s not unaware of the legal benefits. He just doesn’t want to marry you. That’s a harder pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. If he wanted to marry you, he would be trying to do so.

Post # 102
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

OP: A PRIOR POSTER SAID: “there is a simple way to tell if your partner is against marrying anyone or just you. Educate yourself on what legal protections you have in your jurisdiction without marriage and what documents you need to give you anything like those protections. For example this would include things like wills, power of attorney, end of life decisions making, right to be informed etc ..If when presented with all the paper work he’d need to sign to give you the legal protections you both deserve he declines – it’s you. If he agrees (or sees the point in signing one piece of paper instead) then it’s marriage and you have to decide if you are ok without marriage.”

Why don’t you try this OP? Then you will have your answer if it’s really just *you* he doesn’t want to marry… 

 As other posters have said. Many (typically men) claim that marriage is only a piece of paper to their long term girlfriends. After breakup they meet the “right” one and suddenly get married…. 

Post # 104
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

“we already have everything that we want as a couple”

dnm998 :  Then, as people have already said, he’s FACTUALLY, OBJECTIVELY incorrect. You have to do the research to show him that. THAT is how you make a logical argument. If he isn’t swayed by logic and facts, then you know he either doesn’t agree with marriage on principle, or he doesn’t want to marry you. 

Post # 105
Member
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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dnm998 :  No, he already has everything he wants as a couple. Clearly you do not. And that should matter.

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