My boyfriend does not understand what the point of marriage is

posted 4 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 121
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

It was a poor decision on your part to move in together with no talk about the future. Time to be assertive about what you want from your relationship.

Post # 124
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

dnm998 :  Well then don’t continue living with him if he refuses to get married.

Post # 124
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

Double post.

Post # 125
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

will you leave him if he won’t marry you? Do you wan to be called his girlfriend because that is what he wants you to be?

Post # 127
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

Is he against marriage on principle? From what you’ve posted, his reasons are that you can have everything you want without marriage, so I’m guessing it’s not about principles?

Post # 129
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

dnm998 :  You know that’s bullshit. Why don’t you stand up for yourself and challenge what he says?

Post # 130
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Marriage would not be a legal agreement with government involvement if there were not actual tangible benefits to doing so.  It’d just be a religious or spiritual thing. There’s no way he’s unaware of the legal and financial benefits. I’ve been married less than a year and I’ve gotten to go onto my husband’s health and dental insurance through his employer and also we save a buttload on car insurance. These are just a couple examples of concrete benefits. Obviously I enjoy the emotional benefits too, but that doesn’t seem to be what’s in question here. Also you really need to let him know that you do require marriage in your life. Otherwise it’s basically a lie of omission on your part and does a disservice to you both. It’s not threatening him or giving an ultimatum, it’s honesty. 

Post # 131
Member
6832 posts
Busy Beekeeper

dnm998 :  there is nothing that you can’t have as a couple without marriage

Are you in the US? If so, unless he is a complete moron he knows that is not true. Aside from the list of benefits that cannot be had through legal agreements and/or domestic partnership he should already know that one of the things he cannot have is you. 

Post # 132
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

he should already know that one of the things he cannot have is you”

brilliant

Post # 133
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

Hi Bee,

I replied to your post on my thread and another bee posted a link to your thread. I don’t have very much to add to what has already been said here by others.

My fiance had pretty strong views and did not agree with marriage, too, although the reasons were somewhat different. I am copying here my reply to you from my thread.

“I suppose what helped the most was that I was completely honest with him that I could not move in with him and continue the relationship if we could not marry soon. I felt unable to wait until we were trying to conceive to know whether he would marry me because we are planning to have children in 3-4 years and not any time soon. We had been together for 3 years at that point and I felt it was time to get married. He said that previously I had not outright said that our relationship was not going to work unless we got married. I had told him that I wanted marriage but I made the mistake of agreeing to talk about it later, closer to having children, and then spent a long time sulking and resenting this decision.

This summer, I told him that I needed to know now whether we were getting married or not. He was very upset that I backed out from moving in with him at the time, but I explained my thoughts about wanting to feel secure in our relationship and he said that while there were several reasons because of which he did not agree with the institution of marriage, his views were not so strong that he would let me go over them. He said he would rather get married than lose me and breaking up over it was unthinkable, and that he wanted both of us to be happy and plan our future life together. He said it was just not worth fighting over everyday and he wanted to settle down with me and if this was only going to happen with marriage, then we will get married within the following few months. He proposed quite soon after that, and we are getting married in two months from now. 

I would say that you should tell him that marriage is non-negotiable for you and that to build a life with him, you need this commitment from him. I hesitated for a long time and I wish I had spoken up sooner. It was really so much easier than I thought it would be once I told him, so don’t hesitate and be straightforward about what you want.”

Post # 134
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

Agree with everyone here that you need to tell him it’s a dealbreaker. You have to be totally clear about wanting marriage. 

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