My boyfriend does not want to have sex much; 95% of the time I have to initiate

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll:
  • Post # 2
    10035 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    It sounds like the two of you aren’t sexually compatible. Most people put sexual compatibility high on thier priority list when it comes to looking for a romantic partner. So I wouldn’t say this is normal. A lot of people would just end this relationship and move on to someone else.

    There’s nothing wrong with having a lower libido. It doesn’t mean he’s gay or bi. It doesn’t mean he’s seeing someone else. It’s possible there could be a medical or even psychological reason he has a lower libido but he doesn’t sound interested in finding out if those issues exist.

    Honestly, this just sounds like a bad match. 

    Post # 3
    3836 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    So in the past has he been more interested in sex? If something has changed lately, then there could be a problem, I mean not necessarily him being gay or anything but maybe a hormone shift or stress. That could be something a therapist or doctor could help with, if he wants to find out.

    If he’s been like this all along though… well, he’s given you the answer. He has a low libido. It’s not such a surprising thing and much more likely than him being gay or cheating. This is just how he is and that may not work for you. 

    Post # 4
    1402 posts
    Bumble bee

    Has it always been like this? When you iniatiate does he reject you or go for it? When you do have sex does he make sure you are feeling good and does he look like he is enjoying it?

    Post # 5
    4787 posts
    Honey bee

    I’m going to chalk up you trying to explain someone else’s libido with sexuality preference or cheating to you not actually understanding basic human differences or hormones.  It would be like me saying since you have a higher libido you must be a slut or nymphomaniac. Libido is not one size fits all.  It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him, particularly if he is perfectly content with his sex life.  There are also legitimate medical causes that could lower libido if it was previously at a higher level – hormone shifts (mens sex drive tend to peak at late teens early 20s and slow down, women tend increase throughout their 30s and 40s), depression, medications, stress, etc.

    If he’s ruled out medical causes for a shift (if there was a shift) or  he is perfectly happy as is then it may simply be you two are incompatible in this aspect.  And if you can’t bring yourself to even broach the topic of therapy then I don’t see this relationship panning out either way.

    Post # 6
    3035 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    All that 

    View original reply
    hikingbride :  said.

    You can suggest seeing a doctor to rule out anything or look into options and you can suggest sex therapy…however, if he’s content with it and/or doesn’t want to do those alternatives, you both simply aren’t compatible.

    Post # 7
    7627 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I’m sorry you’re dealing with this bee. I think seeing a sex therapist is a great idea. There could be so many reasons why your SO has a low drive and so many potential solutions to the issue. This situation is actively making you unhappy and you’re not succeeding in resolving it on your own, so it’s time to seek professional help. I hope you are able to find a solution that works for you both.

    Post # 8
    94 posts
    Worker bee

    View original reply
    anabell :  I would talk to him more – try to do it sympathetically – low libido can be extremely emabrassing, shameful and depressing for men. (I know it can also really mess with OUR self esteem too, I’d hate to always be the initiator!) Talk to him about whether he thinks it’s possible that he has low testosterone. It is SO rampant these days in men, especially if he isn’t 100% fit or eating healthy. There’s a lot doctors can do to treat low T – but if you are TTC anytime too, I’d make that clear bc some treatments can affect sperm count! – but fitness and eating healthy also can boost T naturally. Good luck bee.

    Post # 9
    2618 posts
    Sugar bee

    There really isn’t a “normal” here. First off, I really recommend listening to the “Dear Sugars” sexless relationships episodes. I know your relationship isn’t actually sexless, but it addresses mismatches in libido and might be helpful to you. It definitely sounds like you two have different sexual needs. But I also want to say that if he’s having sex when you initiate, that’s a positive sign – he’s not turning you down even if he’s not initiating himself. Maybe initiating is just difficult for him. Maybe he doesn’t crave sex but he likes it when it happens. Or maybe he hasn’t felt comfortable opening up about a fetish that he’s into yet.

    Secondly, sex on average 1-2 times every 2 weeks doesn’t seem THAT infrequent to me — that basically works out to once a week or sometimes a little less. Lots of couples have sex at about that frequency, and many would like to be having sex at that frequency. He might honestly be really happy with that amount of sex. That’s NOT to say that you need to be happy with it or that you need to stay in this relationship, but I just want to say that it’s not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with him. But by all means, if you think there might be a physical problem, rule it out. Stress, medication, diet, low hormone levels, lack of exercise, etc. can all reduce libido. But if he’s a healthy guy, he might just have a naturally low libido, and there’s nothing inherently wrong or abnormal about that. 

    You should definitely have a conversation about your wants and needs. How much sex would each of you optimally be having? Could you come to a compromise? What would it take for him to initiate regularly? What do you need from him to feel sexy and desired again? There may very well be a solution you can reach together, if you’re both willing… but that also doesn’t mean you have to stay in this relationship just because it’s pretty good. After all, you say that this is your first real relationship. A lot of times we tend to settle in our first relationships because it’s hard to imagine feeling that close to someone again — but those of us who’ve been in mulitple long term relationships can assure you that that level of comfort and familiarity is achievable again. Don’t feel like you have to stay just because he’s a nice guy. If this relationship isn’t meeting your needs, it’s absolutely okay to acknowledge that and move on. 


    Post # 10
    2415 posts
    Buzzing bee

    What really matters here is how high of a priority sex is to you in life and relationships.

    Sex is a pretty high priority for me – I reached a point in my life (after having dated guys with whom I was sexually incompatible) where I decided I wouldn’t spend more than a few months of my time with someone whose libido was very much different from mine.

    You might come to the same conclusion – or you may decide that sex is actually not all that important to you so long as everything else is amazing. That’s for you to think about. 

    For me, I view sex as integral to maintaining the romantic side of a LT relationship. I think LR’s/marriages so easily slip into more of a friendship, with one or both partners missing the romance element and feeling unfulfilled, that for me (not judging anyone else here) prioritizing sex from the outset and making sure it continues to be a priority within the relationship is my way of trying to guard against that shift.

    I want Fiance and I to have a healthy, robust sex life well into old age – and that goal requires a lot of effort and work. It doesn’t happen effortlessly for most couples. 

    My issue, in your situation, would be the infrequency so early on in the relationship. You guys are supposed to be in the honeymoon period, which usually artificially raises people’s libidos. After the honeymoon period, the libido usually lowers back down to each person’s baseline, which is more like 1 or 2 x’s a week. In your shoes, I would be worried that his 1-2 x’s a week honeymoon frequency will lower down to 1-2 x’s a month in the near future. 

    As for you trying to figure out why he’s not initiating, as PP have said, it’s not wrong to have a low libido. It doesn’t necessarily inidicate anything else is going on, other than that you guys aren’t sexually compatible.

    Definitely go the sex therapy route if you think the relationship is worth it, but it probably makes more sense to move on. The reason I say that is because of your note that he doesn’t seem to care at all that you are frustrated, and is making zero effort to compromise with you. That is incredibly selfish of him.

    I have a slightly higher libido than Fiance, and I mentioned to him ONE time that I needed more sex than he did, and that I wished he’d initiate more, that it made me feel loved and wanted and attractive to him – and he immediately started initiating more, and has been ever since.

    I can definitely see him making the effort to make me happy, and that attitude means the world to me. I’ve been in so many relationships with men where I stated a need only to be ignored, that I know how truly valuable this sort of “eager to please” attitude is in a partner. You may be eager to please all you want, but if your partner isn’t the same way, you will just begin to feel used and depleted after a while.

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