(Closed) My boyfriend doesn't pay for anything….

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

I have been there. The resentment will grow.  Enter my ex husband. Yuck.  I consider myself to have very high self esteem so I was surprised that I had put up with this…then again, I was pretty young.

It is uncomfortable but you have to bring it up.  This is a deal breaker for me and I won’t do it again.  That’s why I need to be with a giver because I am one as well. I will not do tit for tat in my relationship financially.  It does not make me feel feminine.  You get what you put up with.  You are setting the standard for how it will forever be if you dont do something about it.

Post # 3
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

You should write him a note like this if you are not comfortable saying it out loud. Also, let him know he can trust you are not here to take advantage of him, but that you need let him know how this makes you feel (e.g. like you are roommates, etc.).

Post # 4
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

This wouldn’t fly with me. I’m an independent girl but I still think men should be men and pay for dates. I don’t think they should have to pay all the time but never? Come on. I went on a few dates with a guy and he expected me to pay and even asked when I was going to take him out and pay for him? NOPE!! Have a frank conversation with him. 

View original reply
Butterfly6:  +1 on the not making you feel feminine comment. 

Post # 5
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
Anony4326:  Yep, my ex was like this. He was used to me paying for everything because that’s what I did in the beginning of the relationship because I wanted to show him I was an “independent and successful woman”. 

By the time I asked him to start contributing, he got mad. Hence, my ex. 

Bottom line is, are we gold diggers? No. Do we expect them to pay for everything? No. But it creates a sense of safety and security and it makes you feel like you’re being taken care of. He needs to man up or you need to leave!

Have a talk about it; it’s uncomfortable, but as long as your genuine and you use the word “I” a lot rather than, “you”, I think it’ll be okay.

Post # 6
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

Just tell him it might be nice if he paid for the two of you to go out once in a while. My Fiance and I split basically everything 50/50 but he still takes me out for my birthday and stuff. 

There’s nothing wrong with sharing the bill, but if you feel like it’s unfair then you ABSOLUTELY need to bring it up! Talking about money sucks, but having none while he’s got loads will definitely suck more!

If talking doesn’t help, remember that he will be powerless to your womanly charms. That thing he loves in bed? Maybe he only gets it when he’s wined and dined you like a proper lady. Just saying. Only as a last resort though, don’t just go around controlling him with sex lol x

Post # 7
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m marrying the love of my life, and we still split things completely 50/50. To each their own really. If it’s something you are not comfortable with, you may want to bring it up to him. I would tell him you are paying for your half and he can get his own. Order separate bills if you have to.

Post # 8
Member
15278 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Maybe he’s been burned by ex gf’s that just take him for a ride to get free meals and stuff and he wants to make sure he’s not with a gold digger who can pay her own way through life?  If would certainly bring it up, but not in a “why are you paying for stuff for me” kind of way… cause there really isn’t a way to ask that without sounding like a golddigger imo.    But if you really see a long term future, bring it up and ask him he sees handing finances with a future wife.   While there’s nothing wrong with 50/50 all the way if two people agree on it, if that’s not what you want but that’s the way he is, then maybe thats a dealbreaker.

Post # 9
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My ex did that. All the fucking time. I was never every treated. Once he moaned about how broke he was in one sentence when I brought up how he always expects me to pay half when he had a lot more money than me and then told me he was buying himself a 200 pound real leather jacket at the weekend! Wtf??

DH has always treated me. Now we are married it’s all our money anyway so it no longer matters. But I would dump that guy. He sounds way way selfish. If he can’t see how self absorbed this is then I would show him the door. I ended up resenting the hell out of my ex by the end. 

Post # 10
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I dislike spllitting the bill in a relationship. I don’t think it’s fair for the guy to be expected to pay for everything, I think that’s outdated. But getting a check in a restaurant and splitting the bill in half isn’t very romantic-  I would prefer taking turns. Your boyrfirend sounds cheap if he nickel and dimes you on everything to make sure you’re paying your half or more. Me and my Fiance would always take turns paying, but never kept track of ‘you owe me’ or ‘it’s your turn to pay’ & it wouldn’t always be equal. When I went back to grad school a few years ago, he’d pay more than his share, including when we had our kids with us, because he knew I was on a tight budget. When he went though a tough time, I paid more than my share. We’d occasionally split on something expensive (like a vacation), but it was more pooled resources than divvying up who owes what. 

Your boyfriend should make the romantic gesture of asking you out on a date night & paying. If he’s not willing to do this a few months into a relationship when he’s crazy about you….how is he going to be in the long haul? Is he young? Inexperienced at dating? Maybe he’s not so much cheap as just simply clueless. 

Post # 11
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

When my Fiance and I first started dating, he never let me pay for dates. Once we started getting serious we began splitting things 50/50. It doesn’t bother me since we will be sharing finances when we get married anyway. It would be a huge deal breaker for me if he never paid for anything from the beginning though. I’d never expect a guy to pay all the time, but if he is asking me out, he should pay for the date. 

Post # 12
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

LMAO you remind me of my self in college, I posted on NYU secret once, “I want to put a lock on my fridge. Or put expired food in there so my bf will stop stealing my food. Hopefully he will get food poisoned soon”

It was in college we both went to NYU and our money were separated. He expected me to pay for half which I actually loved but he would come and steal my food all the time. We lived together during college it added up. I had cost of living from my parents and I only had so much. It was so annoying. I didn’t mind paying I did mind him stealing food. I would sometimes eat out by my self so he wont steal my food anymore after 4 years of dating. It will get bad.
However, I don’t think it is normal for bf to pay for everything. For me I always paid for half of everything. I actually never had a bf who paid everything. That is the reason why I broke up with my ex actually. He doesn’t feel like a man LOL and after going to law school I was going to make 3x the amount he dose. He had a problem because he was a bartender. He didn’t like the fact that I will contribute more than he dose. I actually think that is extremely immature. I hate the thought of having someone pay for my expenses alone. I actually pay more in relationship because I have more. I also never paid for things fully unless it was a gift and vice versa. However for me it isn’t always split in the middle it is more like my bf will buy grocery and I pay for meals out ( it was roughly 50 to 50).

I don’t think men have to pay for dates at all. That is my personal opinion. I might be biased because my father left my mom and married 20 years younger college gold digger. Since then even if i go on dates a man pays, I would buy him drinks with similar value in return or treat him back.  I actually purposely don’t date men who pays for everything. However, If it is special occasional treats sure why not. My ex loved expensive restaurants and I Refused to pay 400 dollar per person meal. He had to pay all if he wanted to go, we talk about it.

If you like a bf with security benefit maybe you need to date someone else. I think it is becoming more common that man doesn’t pay for everything, this is a good thing. Also you can’t compare your bfs they are different. Your last bf wasn’t great in other areas that is why he was ur ex. No one is perfect.

Post # 13
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My ex was like this. We split EVERYTHING or he’d even let me pay for the both of us, but he NEVER paid for stuff. Never. It got soooo old sooooo fast. 

I remember the one time he paid for something himself- the night we got engaged. My dad is frequently given gift cards from vendors and clients and for whatever reason, he just doesn’t like using gift cards. So he always gives them to me. Even now, I live in a different state and he’ll mail me his gift cards! DH and I have been hitting up the movies a couple times a week for free for the last two months thanks to one huge gift card he mailed us. And my dad LOVES the movies, just not gift cards… Anyways, I digress. 

So my ex and I used the gift cards a lot. The night he proposed, he took me to Ruth’s Chris afterwards because we had a gift card. We were celebrating so we went over the gift card and had a balance of like $45 left to pay ourselves. He looked at me and goes, “Well, since it’s such a special occasion, I won’t make you pay your half. The remaining balance is on me, babe. You’re welcome.” But in return, he made me pay for the bottle of champage we celebrated with at my parents’ house after dinner.

Such a gentleman, right? Thank the Lord I didn’t marry him!

DH and I did it a little differently. In the beginning, he paid for everything, but eventually I started feeling guilty, so we started taking turns (much less awkward than splitting the checks). Then we both got really tired of that, so we combined our finances right after getting engaged. 

Post # 14
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

It’s the fact that he’s asked you to get him something to “pay him back” meaning he’s keeping close track of exactly how much he’s spending on you. That would really bother me. And if he’s asking you on a date, he should be a gentleman and treat you. Dates don’t have to cost much or anything at all for that matter.

I think you will continue to find yourself frustrated and resentful – peoples attitudes to money and spending don’t really change IMO. You’ve only been seeing this guy for a few months.. better to cut your losses now than a year or two down the line.

Post # 15
Member
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Do you ever treat him?  Like, do you ever pay for his dinner when you go out together?

 

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