Post # 1
Hello Bees! So I’ve been dating this guy for a couple years and he is not much of a giver… now i know in times like these things have changed where men arent really supposed to pay everythingggg but my boyfriend expects to pay half almost all of the time. Now the issue comes because he doesn’t have a car and so i take him to and from work and i take him to college as well and he doesnt offer to pay for the gas and on top of that we go out to eat and he doesn’t pay for my food he tells me to pay my half and it kind of bothers me that he isnt much of a giver and i dont know how to talk to him without sounding like a gold digger but just that i would like to be treated more feminine and feel taken care of because that is how i grew up with a father that was the provider and my mother was the nurterer the one that would stay home cook clean and raise kids and even though thats not exactly what i want (im currently also attending college) i would like someone that has the mindset of always wanting to pay and letting me insist on paying once in a while. What do i do ? How do i go about this ?
Post # 2
If he’s not a giver, he won’t be a giver.
Dont go go into any relationship hoping to change somebody. Move on.
Post # 3
Invent a time machine and travel back 50 years?
Why don’t you just ask him to pay half the gas. It seems fairly easy. However that leaves you still with a 50/50 situation which it seems is not what you want.
You wont change him, so you can either live with this or you can’t.
Post # 4
First of all, your boyfriend’s position is totally fair – he should not have to pay for your share. However, if you want someone who conforms to traditional gender roles, he’s not your man. If this is an important issue to you, it sounds like you’re fundamentally incompatible.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t try and get him to pay for you – I would try and get I’m to pay for himself, ie to contribute to gas and car costs.
Post # 6
emilysevilla : i would like someone that has the mindset of always wanting to pay and letting me insist on paying once in a while. What do i do ? How do i go about this ?
Honestly you need to question why you want to be with someone who always pays. I really don’t think it is fair for you to be going to college and wanting to work while at the same time demanding a guy takes care of you. It doesn’t make you less feminine to pay for your own meals, what does that even mean?!
This guy is in college, personally I think it is completely unreasonable to expect a college kid to pay for you more than every once in a while. You say he wants to go half “most” of the time which means he does occasionally pick up the full tab. Most people struggle financially at that age, why should he also have to pay your way when it is a struggle to pay his own?! How often are you picking up the tab for him? Is it just men who are required to want to be the “givers”?
If you want someone who goes by traditional gender roles, being taken care of, the man dealing with the bills etc then you are probably going to face the other side of that coin – not having an equal voice.
Clearly this isn’t the relationship for you. If you want someone very traditional maybe look for a religious guy next time.
Post # 7
- Wedding: January 2021 - City, State
What everyone else said. You do nothing, he’s not obligated to pay for you, it’s a very outdated view point.
Post # 8
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
It makes me kind of sad that there are people who still think this way! When you say you want to be taken care of, it actually sounds like you want to take advantage of him. There are so many ways to take care of someone that don’t involve covering all of their expenses.
You’re both still in college, so I’m guessing neither of you are at your peak financially at the moment. He probably can’t afford to pay for everything, and he shouldn’t have to!
Like PPs said, it sounds like you need someone a bit more old fashioned who insists on “traditional” gender roles. Frankly I can’t think of anything I’d like less…
ETA: He should, however, offer you some money for gas if you’re always driving him around.
Post # 9
Date some who wants you to be subservient? I can’t relate to this at all. I want an equal partner surely if we’re equals we should contribute equally in some way? SAHMs/SAHWs are contributing equally by looking after home/children/saving money by home cooking etc etc. Your mentality suggests you’re better than your partner hence why you would deserve to be paid for and he wouldn’t? Why aren’t you treating him? does he deserve it or only you?
The fuel thing makes sense, just ask him for a contribution….
Post # 10
You should not expect your boyfriend to always pick up the bill at dinner.
Your boyfriend should not expect to be driven around for free all the time.
Post # 11
In a happy relationship, you take care of each other.
If he’s supposed to pay for everything and take care of you, what are you bringing to the table?
Post # 12
emilysevilla : a lot of Bees are going to jump on you for wanting a guy to pay for you or treat you in a more traditionally gentlemanly fashion.
I get what you mean though. I grew up around a family of men that were traditionally very gentlemenly. My dad had a gaggle of daughters and he would always open doors for us to go through first, would walk slightly behind us to watch out for anyone planning to do us harm. He’ll walk us or any woman to her car if they are alone and he would never send a woman to pick up a check or pay the bill. These were typical things that a gentleman did back in the day. When I went on our first date my now husband did all those things that I had grown up with my dad and other male family members doing. He bought me a rose and he insisted on paying for dinner. It was a big plus to me because it showed he grew up in a similar environment and that he was a gentleman. I don’t agree that as a female, that the male should always pay but in a relationship, splitting the bill for everything in half for an activity is a big ‘no’ for me personally. I instead prefer takibg it in turns to shout each other or if the income discrepancy is large then the person who can afford more picks up the larger costs of shared outings or shouts more often.
I outearn my husband and he paid rent whilst I didn’t during our dating period so I made sure I picked up the tab more often than he did. He was still a gentlemen in every other way though. The real issue isn’t about who pays for what but more so that your bf doesn’t sound gentlemenly and he is exceedingly ungenerous with you as well as not being grateful for your kindness in giving him lifts or understanding that you too are a college student not flushed with money.
OP, dump his ass and look out for a guy who will treat you with kindness, a true generosity of spirit and respect. A guy doesn’t have to pay for you all the time but he should be willing to ‘treat’ you sometimes as you would do for him too. Splitting dimes to a perfect evenness has no place in a relationship…
Post # 13
- Wedding: January 2021 - City, State
cmsgirl : “splitting dimes to a perfect evenness has no place in a relationship…”
for you, not everyone feels like you. Some people want a relationship where they split everything 50/50, you don’t get to decide what’s good for other people
Post # 14
This sounds very tit-for-tat. If you guys were in love, I don’t think you would be keeping score like you are.
Although if it is truly such a priority to have a bf that always pays your way, then look for someone who will be willing to provide that.
Be careful not to lead with that though…that can come with some…requests in return with some individuals. Just be aware
Post # 15
cmsgirl : i agree with you. I come from the same background. Maybe OP does too.
OP, I totally understand how this would bother you. Back in our dating days my husband paid for every. Single. Thing
He was working full time and I was a uni student and that was definitely a factor however he always wanted to be an “old fashioned gentleman” and felt he was “looking after his woman” (his words). He also opened car doors and to this day, pulls my chair out at restaurants. He’s a very classy refined gentleman. And I love it. All these years later, we are both on 6 figure incomes (he is still the breadwinner though) and he still spoils me rotten . For him, it was never about the money, it was the “looking after my woman” mentality.
Have you read the 5 love languages, perhaps that might help you understand your feelings. You can google it too.