My boyfriend doesn\'t pay for everything always and i dont know how to feel.

posted 2 years ago in Finances
Post # 16
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

This would be a huge turnoff for me as well. Don’t expect this guy to change though.. he is who he is

Post # 17
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

Until you combine your finances (presuming that you will one day if you stay together) I think it’s right for things to be vaguely 50/50. That being said, tit for tat to the nth degree with money is not how I could personally live. I never did that with my partner and I don’t even do that with my friends. 

“i would like someone that has the mindset of always wanting to pay and letting me insist on paying once in a while. What do i do ? How do i go about this ?” – This isn’t even remotely 50/50 and I think honestly most people (men and women) are past this outdated view. The only thing I can suggest you do is to leave your boyfriend and find someone who IS happy to just pay for everything, or invent a time machine so you can go back to the 1950s where women weren’t expected (or really given the right) to pay their own way in life without a man.

Post # 18
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

50/50 is not a bad way at all! That’s what I did most of the time before getting married, especially if neither of you have much then it stops any resentment of “but I paid last time!”.

To be bluntly honest, I don’t think you sound too compatible with him if him paying his fair share is such a big deal. Hell, I’ve had previous relationships where they didn’t pay at all!

Post # 19
Member
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
cmsgirl :  agreed 100%.

I don’t believe that the man should pay 100% for every date…. but it would really rub me the wrong way for “two cheques” for every meal as well. IMO it should go back and forth, one date is your treat, then one is his without people keeping score. Dates don’t always have to be going out to dinner either, especially if money is tight as college students.

Post # 20
Member
4758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
whoswho :  for you, not everyone feels like you. Some people want a relationship where they split everything 50/50, you don’t get to decide what’s good for other people

You took my statement to the nth degree….on purpose 🙄

 

Post # 21
Member
5862 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Not wanting to nickle and dime and preferring to take turns is fine, but that isn’t what the OP is talking about. She is talking about how she should basically never pay for anything because she has a vagina, not because she doesn’t work and not because she earns less, simply because she is a girl and paying is “masculine” while being treated is “feminine”. 

View original reply
anev :   cmsgirl :  

Post # 22
Member
3897 posts
Honey bee

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emilysevilla :  if you want a guy who pays, move on and find a guy who pays.  You can’t change your boyfriend to be who you want him to be.

Post # 23
Member
5237 posts
Bee Keeper

cmsgirl :  I agree with this. Splitting everything is really a turnoff for me. Read the Joy Luck Club and pay attention to Waverly’s story. I’d much rather take turns. In my case when my husband and I were dating he offered to pay for just about everytthing but I insisted on paying for things I invited him to (the ballet for example). My father told me never to date a cheap man. My husband is generous, but frugal.

OP there are men out there who are not cheap, who would recognize on their own that you driving them somewhere requires gas and vehicle maintainence, and they would offer you funds. Your boyfriend is cheap and a user and there’s no fixing that. 

Post # 24
Member
749 posts
Busy bee

I know this doesn’t go along with the current mindset in society or whatever but this would definitely bug me as well. When I was dating my husband he would pretty much pay for our dates (sometimes I would chip in and buy drinks or coffee or something) and I thought it was so refreshing and gentlemanly after going out with other guys who came across more stingy. I feel this is just something a man I’ll do, or he won’t. If you want a man who pays, you’ll know right away because he will be reaching for the check on dates. If he starts out the relationship 50-50 then he’ll always be a 50-50 guy as the relationship progresses. Which is fine for a lot of women (see all the comments on these boards) but it might not be what you’re looking for. Now if you guys have been going out a while maybe he thinks can be more lax about this because you’ve settled into a relationship. Also, he probably doesn’t make much money being a college student. So it’s fair you should pay for yourself at times. Does he ever take you out to special dates or dinners where he pays? Like date night?

Post # 25
Member
749 posts
Busy bee

You should dump him and find a slightly older guy with a job and his own car and that guy will probably pay for dates

Post # 26
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee

I think I understand what the OP is getting at, it’s kind of a nuanced concept. I too am more of a traditional girl and I always wanted to be a stay at home mom some day. So I knew I wanted to date more traditional guys who wanted that as well. I looked for a few specific traits. I looked for a guy who had a steady career, who took his job seriously, who never had unemployment issues regularly, who rarely calls out sick. A guy where you can tell he is highly motivated to have a career and keep it. 

Here is where the nuance comes in when dating and paying for things. When first dating its kind of up in the air a bit. For me for the first few months until I was official with my now boyfriend I let him insist on paying for 4 out of 5 dates. Once we were official I insisted on paying for dinners etc. more like 2 out of 5 dates. Now that my boyfriend and I live together I make sure to do my best to make it 50/50. I pay half the rent and we trade off on who picks up the bill for dinners out etc. I buy the groceries because he pays cable and heat/ electric for the apartment. He really appreciates me paying half even though he makes way more than me because his ex wife made him pay for EVERYTHING which was extremely stressful for him. 

I would say generally I knew I wanted to be with a guy who would 90% of the time try to insist on paying, and I would let him pay about 65/70% of the time. In your case I can see how it would just feel cheap on his part to always insist on paying 50/50 for every single thing, and on top of that not pay for gas etc. I also personally would find it a turn off that a grown man who needs a car to get places doesn’t have one and is relying on his girlfriend for that. Umm nope. To me, him not having a car puts him in the “slightly financially unresponsible” category. But that’s just me. A woman who doesn’t care about being a stay at home mom and wants her own career might be more ok with being with a guy who isn’t as financially stable. 

Bottom line is your boyfriend most likely won’t change. This is who he is. And if you really value a more traditional pay structure than you need to go date someone else. And given his car situation and his somewhat cheap approach to splitting things I would get out of that relationship. 

Post # 27
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

Unfortunately I don’t think there is anything you can do to change your BF besides maybe asking him to pitch in for gas if you are driving him everywhere. 

My husband always pays when we are out. Even for my friends if they are joining us for dinner. He just has that mindset that the men should always pay. I don’t think this is rare, but if your BF wasn’t raised to do this or doesn’t have friends/family with this mindset I can see it being a concept that is hard for him to grasp. 

Post # 28
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

View original reply
emilysevilla :  

I agree with other people that if he’s not already of a more traditional/caring/giving mindset, he never will be.  It’s often not something that people learn, it’s who they are.  I would advise re-thinking your relationship with this man as it doesn’t sound like you are compatible.

I disagree with people that wanting to be taken care of and adhere to some more traditional ideas of being protected/cared for/supported by a man are outdated and just means that you want to be lazy and make people pay for you.  Someone else mentioned that this is a nuanced concept, and it absolutely is.  My fiance paid for pretty much every date in the beginning of things, and allowed me to eventually be the one to stick my neck out and say “hey, why don’t I get this one?”  Is it old school?  Maybe.  But is it kind and selfless of a man to offer to pay?  Yes.  Obviously it doesn’t give a woman any right to stomp on that generosity, but it indicates a certain mindset – one that he’s willing and happy to care for you in ways that he can.  Even though we’re getting married now and things are largely 50/50 for my fiance and I, he still says he wants to take care of me and will sometimes foot the bill for things like a new battery for my car, etc.  He knows he doesn’t have to and I would never expect it, but it’s a way for him to show he cares for my safety and well-being.  If that kind of relationship is important to you (it was for me too, so I get it), then I think you have a right to question the differences in how you view these sorts of things from your boyfriend.

ETA: at the VERY least he needs to be offering to pay for gas and other expenses he incurs.  That’s just straight rude to ask you to pay half of everything, but to not do the same for you.

Post # 29
Member
7787 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

1) The next time he needs a ride stop at the gas station on the way and ask him for cash for gas. Or, better, stop being his personal Uber.

2) Think long and hard about how important this is to you. This is who he is. He is unlikely to change. I’m not a pull out the calculator every time the bill comes around person, it would be a turnoff for me as well. Fiance and I enjoy treating each other. What would happen if the next time the check hit the table you picked up the entire bill and suggested you begin taking turns, and that he could get the next one?

Post # 30
Member
3467 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
emilysevilla :  It’s funny how the people who claim they like to split stuff evenly down the middle, and abhor the idea of covering someone else’s portion of a meal/activity/outing never seem to insist on paying THEIR own way when other people do generous things for them. The reason the situation bothers you so much is probably not solely that he rarely picks up the tab, but the fact that you essentially provide him free uber service and he has made zero effort to contribute to that expense. I have a girlfriend like this, and it wears me out. When we go out, she’ll demand I chip in exactly $4.75 for having nibbled a portion of her appetizer, but then doesn’t think twice about the fact that I drove out of my way to pick her up, paid for parking, put the hotel room on my credit card, etc. However, because it’s a platonic relationship I can write this off as a quirk (plus I know the backstory of how she became that way, and it’s somewhat understandable) and let it go. But no way I’d build a life with someone who thinks this way. And I don’t think I’d go to the trouble of trying to change him, either. 

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