My boyfriend doesn\'t pay for everything always and i dont know how to feel.

posted 2 years ago in Finances
Post # 46
Member
13658 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’m from the mindset that early on in dating the person who does the inviting picks up the check. Many times that’s the man, but not always. As a relationship becomes more serious I think it’s a question of reciprocity.  But splitting things every time to the dime or someone who never wanted to go out of his way or treat me to anything would be a deal breaker. 

There is reciprocity and there is cheap. 

Post # 47
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I have no patience or respect for people who are 50-50 only when it benefits them.  If it were really about wanting to be fair then he wouldn’t mooch off of you for transportation.”

Exactly. I usually hate the idea of splitting checks in a romantic relationship — however it’s more understandable with college students since most people are pretty broke during this time. In this case though, your boyfriend seems to be taking advantage of you. As for finding a guy who always pays and you have to insist on paying once in a while — I think that’s pretty outdated unless there’s a large income/wealth disparity. When we were dating my husband probably paid more than I did, but no one was keeping track. I certainly didn’t have to “insist” on paying. That’s silly. If I took out my credit card at the end of a meal, he would say “thanks” not try to wrestle it out of my hand.

Post # 48
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

A couple years into a relationship everything should be split 50-50, assuming roughly equivalent financial situations (which it sounds like here). Yes, mid-20th century it was standard for men to pay, because the women typically did not have jobs outside the home.

But it’s easy for people to not pay their fair share when the cost isn’t as obvious to them, like when they get rides. That’s not okay, but needs to be frankly discussed with them – maybe he’s just oblivious.

Post # 49
Member
3913 posts
Honey bee

I agree that in this case, it’s pretty shitty to expect your boyfriend, who is in school, to always pick up the check.  But he’s also a cheap ass if he doesn’t offer to pay for gas when the OP is driving him around.

In my situation, my fiance makes 4x the amount I do.  While I never expect anything and am financially independant, he understands that I would struggle to keep up with him if we split everything exactly 50/50.   When we moved in together, we calculated our living expenses and split those evenly, but he picks up the majority of our entertainment expenses (which isn’t cheap).  

When I think about it, we are probably both paying out equal percentages if you base it on our individual incomes, but not 50/50 in actual dollar amounts. 

Post # 50
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Why should anybody have to pay for you?

He should definitely be pitching in for gas though.

Post # 51
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
emilysevilla :  The first response to your OP is 100% correct. This is who he is. Not only is he not contributing to gas or car maintenance costs even though you drive him every day to work and everywhere else (seriously, how did so many PPs miss this glaring red flag – talking about you having old fashioned views and being too demanding when you drive your bf EVERYWHERE), but he’s never offered to treat you ever. Some PPs have said you’re ridiculous, but you’re not. I would not be with someone who never, not once, offered to treat me to a meal. That’s selfish, and shows just how he sees you, not as a partner or his love, but as a roommate to drive him around and share half the costs of everything (well almost, again the gas). 

Either accept that your boyfriend is a user, who will always expect more from you than he’s willing to give financially, or break up with him. I’m shocked you’ve lasted 2 years honestly. 

Post # 52
Member
8386 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The double standards on this website are ridiculous. I too thought it was a troll post until people started agreeing. There was one bee I called out a while back because she said as a woman she had ‘upkeep’ costs that need to be offset by the man paying for everything (facials, nails, waxing, makeup). I told her that’s basically the definition of a trophy wife, I look good so you pay for me. It’s absurd to me that in 2019 there are people alive that feel their vagina gives them some sort of right to someone else’s money.

View original reply
ariesscientist :  

Post # 53
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee

I will never understand these statements. If a MAN typed, “My girlfriend doesn’t always pay for everything, I don’t know how I feel….” It would be insane.

Expectations are a very dangerous thing.

 

Post # 54
Member
2386 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, I do think the boyfriend is a mooch for never offering to pay for gas when he’s being chauffered around on a daily basis.

 

That said, this quote:

i would like someone that has the mindset of always wanting to pay and letting me insist on paying once in a while. What do i do ? How do i go about this ? 

 

Is a bit grind gearing to me, particularly when you’re both college students probably on a tight budget. He might not be able to feed himself if he always felt obligated to pay for his girlfriend. How is that fair.

 

But, it’s not really relevant. The fact is, the above sentence does not describe your boyfriend. So you need to either concede to yourself what you want is not realistic in your current relationship, and make your peace with that, or get a new boyfriend.

Post # 55
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

Maybe he hasn’t considered the gas, maybe he has. Tell him you need X amount for gas. If he says no, time to move on. I wonder if your meals cost equal amounts or if one of you consistently spends more. The fact that he has never offered to pay suggests he might not be generous. Has he mentioned any money problems? No matter what, I think the fact that he can never be genourous enough to pay for you once is concerning and I would be even more upset if his meals are consistently more expensive. Either he is broke or not generous or both.

The fact that he has no problem telling you to pay your half, means you should not feel bad telling him to pay for the gas you’re spending on him. If he is not willingly paying for the gas, then move on, he’s selfish.

Post # 56
Member
790 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like fundamentally there is a disconnect in your relationship. As a pp said, you can’t really change him. This is likely always going to be an issue/need that he is not fulfilling. I am VERY spoiled and my boyfriend pays for literally 99% of things outside of bills. That is a dynamic that I feel blessed to have, but know it isn’t “normal”. He is often too generous. That said, most of my friends split things down the middle with their partner with the occasional occurance of one or the other paying for XYZ on their own. I think it is pretty crap that your boyfriend doesn’t give you gas money when he is using you as a taxi service, but I have to agree with others in saying he isn’t obligated to front the bill for you. You are obviously aware of that, though, and I don’t fault you if you want a partner that “takes care” of you financially in some capacity. You do, however, need to adjust your expectations because the likelihood of that happening in your already established relationship is pretty much zero. For you to force your boyfriend to pay for you all of the time or even more than he “wants” to is absurd. 

My best advice is: he doesn’t sound like the one for you. And you’re likely not the one for him.

Post # 57
Member
13658 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I also think that finances should be taken into account. An affluent person dating a single mom or dad of limited means can treat most of the time without it being about sexism. Reciprocating can also mean planning inexpensive dates, cooking a meal or being helpful or thoughtful in ways that don’t cost money. 

Post # 58
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
jellybellynelly :  I am the biggest feminist, but I can see what some men mean when they say women today want their cake and to eat it.

The title literally says “my boyfriend doesn’t pay for everything always and I don’t know how to feel” This isn’t about traditional values (if it was OP wouldn’t bother going to college and having a career as she’d be a stay at home wife/mother), this is straight up gold digging. If you both work why on earth should your boyfriend pay for “everything always”?. Cannot believe so many bees are defending this. 

 

Post # 59
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
ariesscientist :  Maybe I’m in the minority here, but for me, it’s about pulling his weight.

I make more. It is likely I will always make more. So if I am contributing/going to contribute so much to the household expenses, is it too much to ask for that the guy pick up the tab when we go out?

The guys I have known who don’t want to pick up the tab tend to be passive and not know how to lead, in a relationship or otherwise. I have found I end up making all the decisions and dragging him around on a leash, which is no fun. I am a type A person with a commanding personality – far from subservient. But I need someone on my level and I haven’t found that with the guys who are clueless about picking up the tab, opening doors etc. It is signaling to me.

Post # 60
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

I really don’t believe in this whole traditional roles mindset but I also don’t really understand the split everything 50/50 mindset either. Your boyfriend just doesn’t sound like he has a generous spirit and that’s the problem to me. In whatever way that presents itself. He shouldn’t have to pay everything for you. You should be able to take care of yourself. But if you ultimately feel like he is cheap or lacks a giving spirit, then that is a deal breaker.

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