My boyfriend doesn\'t pay for everything always and i dont know how to feel.

posted 2 years ago in Finances
Post # 61
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I agree. If you want traditional and to have everything paid for, trade in your car for a time machine. Things are different now. You two should be dividing the costs more equitably. If it’s just a matter of “he’s not paying for me,” you have a problem. It doesn’t matter if that is what you are used to or not. It’s old fashioned and problematic. I agree that whoever asks should pay at least early on. Later on, people should take turns and not keep score.

Now if your issue is “my boyfriend isn’t generous and I feel like he is taking advantage of my generosity,” then things are different. Generosity is very important to me. And it was something I looked for in my husband, so I think it is totally reasonable to seek out a guy like that.

But is he broke? Is he being stingy or does he have no money? People in college tend to be poorer. If he can’t afford to pay for you, then you should cut him some slack.

How old are you? Are you early on in your college career?

Post # 62
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

When I was a kid, many women were on the front lines, fighting the good fight for us; that we would grow up with more choices than they had.

Unfortunately, some of our Big Sisters in arms developed tunnel vision; very common in the stress of combat. The liberation of women was interpreted to mean that all women must live the way the movement dictates. No more housewifery; too demeaning. Sally forth and climb the corporate ladder, knocking men over like bowling pins along the way. 

True freedom, however, gives us the unassailable right to live our lives as we choose. As long as we’re not harming anyone, we are completely free to negotiate the terms of our relationships with our partners without referring to the Feminists’ Guidebook.

If the OP wants to be with a male partner who pays for stuff, so be it. 

To condemn OP’s choice makes a mockery of the entire concept of the liberation of women. What makes her preference any less valid than that of a woman who aspires to become president?

OP’s path is her own.

The Bees who are pointing out the painfully obvious; that OP is with the wrong guy have this exactly right.  That’s the OP’s mistake; her wish for a particular lifestyle is perfectly valid.

Post # 63
Member
4286 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

A lot of PPs who say their spouse pays also are clearly in the working world, or specify their partner makes more.

Op’s boyfriend is a college student. There’s a very good chance that he just doesn’t have the means to pay for her. He’s not some millionaire making her split the cost of coffee.

I think it’s unfair to talk about generosity or reciprocity when we know nothing about their relationship. He could very well be generous in other ways that are within his means. 

Post # 64
Member
441 posts
Helper bee

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sassy411 :   Yup… preach on sister!

Post # 65
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

He’s not the right guy for you. I don’t see any point in trying to change him. You two have fundamentally different viewpoints. 

Post # 66
Member
452 posts
Helper bee

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jellybellynelly :  
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bctoquebec :  
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ariesscientist :  

Yeah, the double standard on this site is horrible. If a man wanted a woman to pay for everything all the time he would be immediately bashed as a mooching loser asshole who was just using her and should be dumped immediately. 

 

ETA: In OP’s case the boyfriend should be contributing to the gas

Post # 67
Member
393 posts
Helper bee

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sassy411 :  Sassy I don’t always agree with you, but this x 1000.

Post # 68
Member
393 posts
Helper bee

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saratiara2 :  But that’s not to say he can’t plan and pay for dates he can afford as a college student. I think if OP wanted fancy dinners at expensive restaurants it could well be that he can’t afford that, but he can afford to take her out for ice cream or plan and pay for a picnic etc. I met my guy while we were in college and that’s what we did.

The not paying for gas is telling.

Post # 69
Member
3030 posts
Sugar bee

Two things first.

If you always drive him, I think it would be fair for him to either pay for gas/car maitenance OR have him treat you out more often as a trade off. 

Also, I always find it odd when couples go out to eat as a unit and always split things. 

My philosophy with this is that every couple is different. I know married couples who venmo each other half of everything

Edit to ask: Are you both working at all? Or are both of you full time students?

Post # 70
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee

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sassy411 : Feminism doesn’t give you the right to be a d*ck without criticism. Complaining that your partner is not adhering to traditional values when you don’t adhere to them yourself is hypocritical. Being a stay at home wife or mum is a lifestyle and a perfectly valid one, expecting your boyfriend to pay for “everything always” when you both work and are both at college is not, it’s being a hypocrite and a user. Feminism doesn’t mean women can behave any way they like without criticism, that’s not what women fought for, they fought for equality. If a man was posting this he would be flamed, why shouldn’t she just because she’s a woman? 

So yeah OP has the freedom to make any demands she wishes for her relationship, and other people have the freedom to call her out when her demands are unreasonable and hypocritical. 

Post # 71
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

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emilysevilla :  I’m split on this one… I think on one hand it’s a great quality to be generous person and I get that you’d want him to be generous and giving with you. However… you both need to pay your share. As far as dates go, I’m of the mindset that the person who invites the other to go on a date should pay. My fiance and I did that when we were dating- I wanted to go out to eat, I paid for us to do that. He invited me out to a movie, he paid for that. I would definitely have a problem with him not pulling his weight if this is what’s happening. I’d talk to him about the simple fact that if he invites you out, he needs to pay for that! This isn’t about gender roles as I believe men and women should equally shoulder the costs of dates and living expenses. It should be proportional to what you each make. For example, if you make more than him, you should not expect him to pay 50% because your 50% could be 80% of his cost of living. 

If he’s going through financial hardship maybe you could learn to live with going dutch, either that or choose dates that are affordable for him to pay. Same with gas- if he’s expecting you to drive him every day, he needs to chip in for that.

Post # 72
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

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sassy411 :  Just read this. It is an excellent point; if OP wants a man who will pay for everything, she isn’t with the right partner. 

Post # 73
Member
441 posts
Helper bee

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missmollybee :  Exactly… and I think that is the point. She has the right to be any kind of partner she wants. There is someone for everyone out there. I don’t particularly have tons of respect for a trophy wife but if that’s what someone wants to be then that is their prerogative. If she wants to live a life with more traditional gender roles (as she sees them) then he is not the guy for her. She should move on.

Post # 74
Member
3901 posts
Honey bee

I love when the original poster never returns and we just continue fighting with each other.

Post # 75
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

This isn’t something you can change in a guy. It’s about their whole mindset around relationship roles and generosity, it’s not something that you can just uproot and transform.

Personally I don’t like relationships where every bill is split down the middle either. it creates a certain kind of distance to me – like the person sees you as a friend not a partner. Or that they don’t trust you to show equal generosity.

BUT that’s not because I want him to feel like he has to “take care of his woman.” That phrase makes me cringe because it sounds like the woman is a fragile object he owns and has to take care of. I can take care of myself and I want to contribute equally financially – it’s just that I prefer trading off bills and treating each other. Because to me that feels more like a generous partnership where we take care of eachother. 

All of this to say: People have very different ideas about how finances should be managed in a relationship and it usually has deeper meaning than the money itself. If you want an old fashioned guy that wants to look after a woman, then you need to find someone that thinks that way. Even if your current bf agrees to pay more of the bills, it’s not going to change how he thinks. 

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