My boyfriend doesn\'t pay for everything always and i dont know how to feel.

posted 2 years ago in Finances
Post # 76
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

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beantime :  Yep. Agree completely. Having the guy pay for everything is not my personal view, but hey it’s not my relationship. 

Post # 77
Member
1984 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m smelling a troll… where did OP go?

Post # 78
Member
6308 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

“ i would like someone that has the mindset of always wanting to pay and letting me insist on paying once in a while. What do i do ? How do i go about this ? “

Get a boyfriend that is as outdated as you

Post # 79
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee

So how many bees here decided to forego an engagement ring? Did any if you split the cost 50/50?

Can’t help but see the holes in logic here from those proclaiming OP is outdated or too traditional in her thinking. This site is literally based on a traditionally patriarchal set-up. 

Post # 80
Member
5757 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Actually there was a post recently which highlighted that many bees paid for both wedding rings in response to their fiancé paying for an engagement ring.

In my case we bought it from our joint account so it was 50/50, however I fail to see how a one off purchase is the same as wanting a man to pay for “everything always”, that is a complete straw man argument. 

This isn’t about treating eachother, or the higher earned paying more this is expecting the man to pay basically every single time, despite both working, just because apparently it isn’t feminine to pay your own way or pick up the tab?!

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chocolateplease :  

Post # 81
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee

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zzar45 :  no, that is just one example of many I can come up with. So you got 2 rings out of this deal with your husband and he got one? How is that fair?

Did you wear a white dress? A dress? Why? Did you get married in a church or any religious place of worship? 

I can keep going. Don’t try to make it sound like weddings and marriage is this reclaimed feminist experience bc women spend some money on it. It’s not. Let’s not kid ourselves. 

Post # 82
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee

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chocolateplease :  I’m in a same sex relationship, I bought my fiancées ring and she bought mine, the budget was the same. If I was with a man (I’m gay but let’s say I was straight for arguments sake) I would buy him an engagement ring too or a gift if he didn’t want one, and pay half towards my ring. I don’t automatically expect someone to spend more money than me just because they’re a man.  

OP’s logic is the same as men who expect their wives to do all the housework even though they both work full time. I don’t have a problem with traditions if they’re fair, I have an issue when people use tradition as an excuse not to pull their weight or shame someone into old fashioned gendered roles which they benefit from at their partner’s expense. Saying things like “a gentleman would pay” or “a good wife would cook for her husband” while neglecting the traditional responsibilties of their gender and so offering nothing in return. 

Post # 84
Member
5757 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Don’t try to make it sound like weddings and marriage is this reclaimed feminist experience bc women spend some money on it. It’s not. Let’s not kid ourselvEs”

I never once tried to say weddings were a reclaimed feminist experience and that isn’t really relevant? 

For the record I put more money into our joint because I earn more. How is it fair that my SOonly gets one ring? Literally what are you talking about, no one is saying everything needs to be exactly the same in a relationship and frankly a marriage is very different from the relationship of a couple of college kids. 

Our marriage is not in a church, it doesn’t have any patriarchal reference, it is an equal and civil ceremony so it’s as feminist as it gets.   

OP is getting a degree and working, she is talking about her money being “mine” and essentially his money being “ours”. That isn’t comparable to a wedding or a traditional relationship.

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chocolateplease :  

Post # 85
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee

Not interested in derailing the thread even though OP is clearly not coming back so I’ll just say this:

You all can throw out your anecdotal experiences where you don’t fall into the typical proposal story where the man buys the ring. Those singular anecdotes do not take away from the norm for most women, based on this website, who either a) desire that set-up (see our beloved Waiting threads) or b) decided to be a part of said set-up and are in the process of getting married or are married.

It’s not about the proposal or the ring or this one instance. Those are specific examples I called out to show where some bees are being, I’ll say it, hypocritical. 

Post # 86
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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chocolateplease :  I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make here. Marriage is not inherently sexist. And weddings don’t have to be either.

Post # 87
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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chocolateplease :  You can’t call someone hypocritical unless you know their anecdotal experiences. Your argument doesn’t make any sense. There are bees saying the OP’s thinking is outdated, you say that’s hypocritical, they come back to say actually no, I did x,y, and z, and you say, “I don’t want to hear it.” This just sounds like feminist hating to me.

Post # 88
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

My advice would be different if you were older.

 

BUT- you.are.both.in.college. And clearly it sounds like boyfriend isn’t made of money. Who is supporting him? A combo of his parents & some money from a job? If so- why do you think his parents money should be used to take you out to dinner all the time? 

 

I think you need to talk to him about finances. It’s unclear whether he’s not generous because he’s stingy or because he’s a regular old broke college kid. Say it doesn’t feel fair that you’re driving him around and he never offers to split gas money. Then ask if he can pitch in sometimes.

 

If you’re serious about a future together, begin to have conversations about what you both want in life – where would you like to live, how many kids, what kind of lifestyle, who would work outside the home. If he says that both partners should work and kids should go to daycare, he might not be the best match for your own life goals. Are both of you pursuing degrees that could support your future family if you got married? 

Post # 89
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee

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emilysevilla :  I think some people are being a little harsh.

Gender stereotypes aside, I dont care if I am with an SO or a friend who is a guy or a girl – i offer to pay sometimes. It’s just nice and its a reciprocated thing. Sometimes i might pay, sometimes they might pay, sometimes we split – whatever. Most of the time it is just easier instead of splitting the bill. 

I find it odd that he is so adamant about splitting and being fair, but your drive him around everywhere and he doesnt see an issue. I would almost guarantee that if the roles were reversed, he would have you putting in gas $. 

Now if he has serious financial constraints that is one thing, so i guess it just depends if he has a strict budget to stick to or find out if he just prefers to keep things separate, which is OK too but maybe you guys just have different views on that and would be better suited to someone a little more like-minded. 

Post # 90
Member
5163 posts
Bee Keeper

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chocolateplease :  absolutely right. Or women who insist that their fiance ask for the father’s blessing before a proposal. 

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