My boyfriend doesn\'t pay for everything always and i dont know how to feel.

posted 2 years ago in Finances
Post # 91
Member
1601 posts
Bumble bee

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chocolateplease :  eh this isn’t the rational argument. 

I believe in splitting everything 50/50 from the cost of the first date through the rent if we live together, but if we are getting engaged it’s because we plan to then marry and combine all our finances into one shared pot (I know some people keep separate finances from their spouses, but I believe in one joint thing). I would be happy to pay for 50% of my engagement ring, but at that point it actually makes no difference. 

Post # 92
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

He seems incredibly self-centered having you drive him around with no offer of return favors. This wonʻt change and if youʻre starting to resent it now, it wil only snowball. Have a serious talk with him or find someone more compatible. 

Post # 93
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

I believe there is a happy medium in every relationship but your bf sounds very selfish.  If he is really tit for tat about everything I would charge him gas and wear and tear on your car per mile and put it in an excel spreadsheet and bill him.  But for real dump this guy he is showing you who is he and he isn’t going to change.  

Post # 94
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

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emilysevilla :  hey bee, I read a few of the replies and then stopped reading, so this may be a repeat. 

Break up with him. 

If he tries to say “you just want to be treated like a princess,”

your response is: “yes. I do. Bye.”

 

this isn’t about being mercenary. It’s not about equality or whatever.

It’s about wishing to be valued and wooed. 

Hes thoughtless and he’s using you. 

Know this: men work at things when they value them. 

You deserve this. 

One day you’ll have a partnership in which you get to make an agreement. If you like being taken out, you get to express that. 

“Hey can we have a date night every few weeks, where you take me out?” Is a reasonable request. 

You can treat him, too. You can make dinner together, you can take him out once in a while, etc. 

but you need what you need, and that’s no one’s business to argue with. 

 

I had the same need. I had a boyfriend who would yell at me when I finally requested he take me on a date once a month. 

This same boyfriend would stay at my place to save on heating and water bills, would eat all my groceries for the month, sleep with me and leave. 

He was the one with the good income- I was struggling at the time. So this was in no way “equality”.

This same boyfriend argued with me when I finally realized what I wanted mattered. He said the thing about princess. I already told you what I responded. It felt so good. Everything in me rose up and cheered when I said that. My self esteem rose. It is SO worth it, bee, to speak what you need and stand up for yourself. 

Right after I kicked this user out of my life, I got together with a man who treats me, well, like a princess. 

This doesn’t mean I am a user or whatever. In fact, things are equitable with us. I just FEEL so valued and respected, my tank is full, so I can be very generous with him. 

In the first year, I was recovering from having had a boyfriend who wouldn’t even get another plate when I went for meals with him, so I would have to eat off his or his daughter’s plates, 

so yeah, in the first year, my now-fiancé spoiled me a bit. I was healing and learning that men could be kind and generous. After that, things leveled out a bit, and we share an account we both pay into, a “date fund.” We pay according to what we earn, so I do pay less than he does at present. It won’t always be that way.

partnership can look like this. 

You cannot pour from an empty cup. 

Yes, we need to nurture and provide for ourselves. We can’t be making our partner be a father figure. That, you’ve got to figure out for yourself. Start caring for yourself first. Take yourself on a date sometimes. Use the money you would have used carting his sorry ass around, and take yourself out to lunch or to a museum and get a nice tea or whatever makes you feel very happy. 

Then, when you meet someone, if you decide to stick with him, you’ll know you’ve chosen a man who treats you well. 

People we stay with only get to treat us as well as we treat ourselves. If you’ve been accepting shabby, stingy treatment, it hasn’t yet gone over the limit of how you treat yourself. 

I’m not saying that very well- but I hope you can parse through it. 

Treat yourself as if you are your most valued partner, your best date ever. 

And see what unfolds. 

Dont worry, it is absolutely possible to find what you’re longing for. I had the same question as you, back when I was in a relationship with a stingy user. He used “women’s lib” as an excuse. 

Telling you what I wish someone had told me:

Don’t settle for this! ❤️

Post # 95
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

Ps. Not to be rude or anything, but it doesn’t strike me that this kind of man would be a very generous lover. How on earth could you tell him what would feel good to you?! Or communicate at all?

eek. Not worth it, bee. 

If you care for him a lot (I didn’t get that from your post,)

it’s worth having a conversation. 

Otherwise, it’s worth having THE conversation- and moving on to better partnership. 

Post # 96
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

Your context is very important here because it’s likely you both don’t have much money. However, it’s good to know that this is important to you because you’ll continue to approach your relationships this way. 

What I will add is that money feelings are so often not really about money. The money is what triggers anxieties, insecurities and expectations of how we want to live our lives. My husband and I have never made a lot of money and while we were in NYC we definitely split the bill and made sure to be as fair as possible around $. It was really important to us to be careful with our very limited resources. I didn’t reproach it, though I had been on dates with guys who just never let me pay so I guess I could have kept one of those. Hah! 

But he showed me how he was generous with his heart and mind in more ways that I could count. Even to this day I feel like he shows up for me in ways I didn’t know to ask. I wanted a man who would be generous enough to let me shine and roll out the red carpet for my emotional well being. So what if I paid half the tab for two years?

Money really comes and goes. Listen to what you’re picking up on.  It may not be as easy as he doesn’t pay for my dinners. 

 

Post # 97
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee

Preeeeeetty sure OP isn’t coming back, so…

Post # 98
Member
3588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Considering you drive him everywhere, the actually fair/equal thing would be for him to buy you a meal in exchange for time and gas. Point that out to him.

But also, it sounds like you two aren’t on the same page. You want a relationship like your parents have, which absolutely will not happen with your current boyfriend. You should move on.

Post # 99
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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emilysevilla :  Boundaries are everything in relationships. This guy has drawn a boundary with you when he insists you pay half for everything. I suggest you do the same, he has to do his half too. That means he pays half for gas, and does half the amount of washing up, etc. No exceptions. If he wants to be a modern man then he has to act like one too! There isn’t much point in saying you would prefer him to be more traditional, clearly that’s not who he wants to be, but you can hold him to the same standards he holds you.

Post # 100
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’d love to know more about the background here… for all we know he has a room near his college that doesn’t require a car and she doesn’t want to hang out there, so he always has to go to her place. Or his college is only a small detour from where she needs to go. Or maybe he does things for her that save her money – the first time my now-husband came to me flat, he fixed the lights, the next time he fixed the washing machine and he’s repaired my computer more often than I remember. Or maybe they live together, he pays rent but in return expects her to drive him around. Maybe her family background means she can actually afford a car, while he can’t. 

If nothing of that sort applies, then the OP should tell him she expects him to pay for petrol. Frankly, in a healthy, adult relationship she would have done that ages ago.

But really, these two people don’t seem to match. If she wants somebody who pays her way, then she needs to find somebody like that. I’d HATE to be in that kind of relationship. I prefer to split bills until I know somebody well enough to know we can just alternate paying for dates. My husband and I are long past the point at which we split bills, he pays for my birthday dinner, I pay for his, in all other cases we take turns (roughly – we don’t go out much so it’s hard to remember whose turn it is sometimes).

Post # 101
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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chocolateplease :  good point about the hypocrisy. How many bees are “waiting” but never imagine they can be the one to propose? I’ll bet that if the OP came on here and said she wanted to be tied up, spanked, or otherwise tortured by her guy in the bedroom she would have a lot of supporters. Being dominated by a man in the bedroom isn’t considered outdated at all.

But her thing is to be pampered and to experience a stage of courtship, where the man pays for stuff. How outrageous!

Post # 102
Member
452 posts
Helper bee

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Anonymous1063 :  The real hypocrisy here is the people who think it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to expect the man to pay for everything, when they would never find it acceptable for a man to expect the woman to pay for everything. Why is one just considered wanting courtship while the other is considered a loser taking advantage of the other? Why is it acceptable for women to take advantage of men financially, but not the other way around? The good ole Weddingbee double standard.

Post # 103
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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needmorewine :  ok I get your point. On the other hand I don’t think it is a deep betrayal of feminism if a man pays for a night out. In the beginning stages, the first few dates,  often a man wants to create a romantic atmosphere and show the woman he thinks she is special. He wants to engage in courtship. This is hard to do if you follow a strict “split everything” from day one policy. Imagine him buying her flowers and saying “meet me at the florist and you pay half.” As they become a couple, and more comfortable with each other, most people will relax and start sharing expenses. 

I have let men pay in the beginning. I offer, but when that’s rejected, I don’t insist. And the money really isn’t the point. I don’t say to myself oh great I got some of his money. The point is the game, the courtship ritual. There are species that have courtship rituals. 

Post # 104
Member
452 posts
Helper bee

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Anonymous1063 :  I see what you’re saying. There’s nothing wrong with either person treating the other to a night out, it was the OP’s statement that she wants him to pay all the time that bothers me. Like she expects and is entitled to have him pay for everything just because he’s a man and she’s a woman. 

Post # 105
Member
8258 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The title of his thread is: pay for EVERYTHING ALWAYS, not a date here and there or the first few dates. 

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Anonymous1063 :  

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