Post # 1
Member
10 posts
Newbee
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and 5 months. I think the world of him and I love him so much! I’ve never felt so close and comfortable with someone before, I’ve had a lot of bad luck in my past (being cheated on etc) and he’s the first one I’ve been able to trust.
Even now I still get butterflies when I’m with him and I always feel so excited when I see him. We have done so many different things together already, and he’s helped me out with many different things, my OCD has never been better! We are so alike and share the same interests. I’ve never felt so close to someone.
I can’t imagine my life without him, but the one thing that’s putting a downer on us, is we want different futures. I know we’re both still young I’m 23 a week today and he’s 24, but he doesn’t want kids or marriage. Which I’ve always said I want this! – without a doubt. We’ve had serious conversations about it, as it bothers me so much, I think about it every single day. I’m not ready yet, but will be in 3-4 years time. Still, his answer still stands the same. My friends say: “I’m sure he’ll change his mind.” And my family say: “You can’t put your life on hold, waiting for him, what if his answers the same in 4 years time when you’re ready?!”
I honestly don’t know what to do.. As I don’t think he will change his mind, and I need to try and accept that but I can’t. The marriage part doesn’t bother me as much, but has always been my dream. But I certainly don’t want to imagine my life without my own family, it haunts me. I have five sisters, four younger and I have two beautiful nieces ages 2 and 7 months. And I know I defiantly want to be a mum.
Post # 2
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
It’s time to either end the relationship and find someone who shares your wants for the future or you stay with him & start accepting the fact marriage and children aren’t in your future. It’s better to talk about this before more time goes by. You can’t change a man. Good luck bee!
Post # 3
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
You know what you want. Don’t waste your time with a man that refuses to commit. If marriage and kids are not for him that’s fine but that’s not what you want, obviously.
Post # 4
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
The answer is simple. If your love for him outweighs your desire for marriage and kids, then stay with him and be happy. If it doesn’t, then you have to leave. He might very well change his mind, but at the same time he might not. And as you said, you can’t put your life on hold for something that may or may not happen. I know it’s easier to say than do but it might have to be done.
Post # 5
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee
He’s told you what he wants. You can’t assume he will change his mind, it’s unfair. In the same it would be unfair for him to think you will your change your mind. Whilst you both love each other, you want different things from life. The question you have to answer is: can you live without children, ever, for a future with this particular man? If you don’t think you can live without children or you think you might becomes resentful if you stayed with him, then you need to leave. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Good luck.
Post # 6
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
I think the answer is incredibly easy and incredibly difficult. He doesn’t want kids. Believe him when he says that. You absolutely DO want kids. You guys are not compatible in the long term.
You can continue to enjoy your relationship for what it is right now, because you are still young, or you can get out and start finding the man who wants the same things in life. But you should definitely NOT stay in this relationship hoping he’ll change his mind. That will suck many great years from your life!
Post # 7
Member
6863 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Oh, Bee. The two of you want different things. Please don’t listen to your friends on this one–while he may someday change his mind he very well may not. And this sounds like a dealbreaker for you.
It takes more than love and compatibility to make a relationship work. You also have to share in basic values and life goals.
If you aren’t ready to move on now you may wish to set a limit for yourself–another year to learn if his feelings may change? And if they don’t free yourself to meet someone who wants the same things you want. Good luck, Bee.
Post # 8
Member
6107 posts
Bee Keeper
hailie93 : honestly as much as it sucks, the answer is simple. If you want marriage and kids you need to leave him. Don’t expect him to change his mind. Odds are that he won’t and then you’ll have wasted so many years with someone who will never give you what you want.
Post # 9
Member
10 posts
Newbee
Thank you all so much for your advice! I really appreciate it. It’s so difficult. I wouldn’t want him to change his mind just for me, although I know he won’t anyway as that would be selfish of me thinking that. We both deserve to be happy, but maybe us being happy now is being apart.
Post # 10
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
hailie93 : I understand that him being 24, and a guy, your friends are saying he will change is mind. But. How likely are you to change yours about what you want? Not very, right?
i saw your update that you don’t want him to change his mind just for you. Which is wise – you don’t want him resenting you. But at the same time – you shouldn’t give up your dream for him. Unless, you really do love him that much.
At 23 – you have the right amount of time. 3-4 years is perfect to find someone that shares your dreams and whom you love, and at least get married!
Post # 11
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
hailie93 : Since you’re still quite young and have mentioned a string of previous bad relationships, why not consider taking a temporary “break” from relationships? Look beyond the “couples universe”. There’s a world of enjoyment, fun and learning out there!
Post # 12
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee
He’s given you a gift by telling you all these things now instead of down the line.
Marriage and a family are a really big deal and neither of you should compromise what you want in regards to them.
Take time to mourn the end and keep yourself busy with things that don’t depend on a guy to make you happy. Your prince charming is out there 🙂
Post # 13
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
I used to be with a guy who didn’t believe in marriage or want kids. I was GAGA for this guy! I was 21 at the time and he was 27. Though I was still young, he was at the gae where he was old enough to know what he wanted. At first I was even thinking…well, maybe I CAN live without those things. But then I realised I couldn’t. When I put my foot down and said I wanted these things, at first he compromised and said that we could have a ‘commitment ceremony’ (so like a wedding but not a legal thing) and when I was 32 or 33 we could have ONE child. For a while this was good enough for me, but it was eating away at him and that was partially why HE ended the relationship.
Now I am 28, married (obviously to a different guy) and pregnant with baby #1. I am relieved that other relationship didn’t work out!
Post # 14
Member
3040 posts
Sugar bee
It’s not fair to even hope or expect that he’ll change his answer for you. If he’s telling you no kids/marriage then that’s exactly what you need to take to heart. Your life goals are different. You should also not sacrifice something important to you for the sake of keeping the relationship going.
I get that he means a lot to you and he’s helped you through a lot but, at the end of the day, you both have differences that do not make you suitable as life partners. I think you need to walk away earlier (now..) while there’s less time and emotions invested. Breaking up doesn’t mean you can’t wish the best for one another and try to maintain a friendship. However, I would say take your time healing and moving on from a intimate relationship with him before you try to hold a concrete friendship.
Post # 15
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
Don’t date someone while hoping they’ll change. They’re not a DIY project, you can’t rip the parts of them you don’t like out with a claw hammer and replace them with better parts from Home Depot. If he is telling you he doesn’t want marriage or kids, believe him. To do otherwise is disrespectful to him and will be hurtful for you. Cut your losses and date someone who shares his life goals. This will be the loving thing for him, too, as it will be the freeing element he needs to ALSO find someone who shares HIS life goals.
My boyfriend doesn’t want kids. I don’t want kids. If he changed his mind after the almost 4 years we’ve been together, I’d leave. For a lot of people, this isn’t something that will change, nor should you try to force them into it.
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