(Closed) My boyfriend doesn't want marriage or kids

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
1507 posts
Bumble bee

You know what you want and he doesn’t want the same.  My best friend thought she could compromise.  She’s now divorced, remarried and has two kids of her own and two step kids.  She says that her first husband was the worst mistake.

Post # 18
Member
3903 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I just asked my Fiance and he said you should dump him and I agree. Chances are that he will not change his mind. You have invested 2.5 years already and if you want marriage and kids in 3-4 years that would be 5.5-6.5 years invested and go to waste and then you will have to leave him anyways and it will be even harder. Then you will be single for a while mourning your relationship which you spent most of your 20’s in. By that time you will be nearing 30 and then you will be freaking out cause the clock will start ticking because you want kinds and you cant wait forever…then you will spend some time looking for another guy and then waiting for him to propose and get married and then finally have kids (assuming you want in in that order). Yes you can still “make it” but why invest more years into a relationship going nowhere? Also it leaves no time for errors and delays with the next guy since your clock will be ticking and if something doesnt work out you dont have much time to work it out and there will be more pressure. Basically the longer you stay with your bf the lower your chances of getting to have what you want in life in terms of marriage and kids. It’s like investing into a stock that you know 99% it will crash but still doing it cause you love the company… would you do that with your money? I doubt it. Why would you do it with your time? Time is literraly the most precious unit of measurement. You cant seep it up or slow it dont you cant get it back after loosing/wasting it. As my mom likes to say: In a girls 20’s every year is worth like 3 if she want marriage amd kids. Time is precious! I know it’s sexist and unfair but it’s biology. Women have a much smaller reproductive window than men and therefore oit time is more precious during those years. men can father a child in their 50’s… women not so much. So be smart about how you invest your time!

Post # 19
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

Yes, I agree with a PP, kudos to you for being upfront and not wasting your time. As hard as it is when you have to break up while you still love them, I think that’s the only way. Even if you think you love him enough that you think you can choose him over your dream to marry and have kids, you will in time grow to resent him. It’s a shame you want different things but you are so young and have lots of time, I am sure you will find someone even more perfect for you x

Post # 20
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

hailie93 :  Unfortunately, this can happen. Not all relationships end because somebody did something terrible. Many good, loving, healthy relationships end simply because the people see different futures. It’s hard, but it’s ok.

This seems to be a healthy and trusting relationship, so I think you need to take him at his word and respect his decision. It’s worth another long conversation where you are both very honest about whether you could see yourselves changing your minds, and whether there is a way to find a middle ground and meet both of your needs.

 

Post # 21
Member
14948 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sorry, but your friends are giving you shitty advice.  He’s told you how he feels, I would not waste 3-4 years on a hope that he might change him mind when he’s been clear.  Don’t waste anymore time with him if kids and marriage are important to you. 

Post # 22
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m really sorry you have to face this decision.  I know it’s heartbreaking!  I ended up having to decide to end a relationship with a man I was crazy about, too, because I knew I wanted the chance for my own family, too.  Such a hard decision!!  But definitely worth it.  While you think of not having him today and that hurts so much,  once you’ve made yourself free to find someone who wants to raise a family with you, you will feel an equal sense of relief and joy in the future, too.  

Post # 24
Hostess
8547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

hailie93 :  You know what you want, he is very unlikely to change his mind. You need to sadly put yourself in the position where you can meet someone who makes you feel wonderful but who ALSO wants the same as you. Best of luck bee.

Post # 25
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

When me and my husband started dating he didn’t want to get married nor have kids. He ended up changing his mind. But – he was 18 when we started dating. A year in the relationship he was like “i see myself getting married to you one day in distant future” not long after he was saying things like ” If we make this work then I guess I wouldn’t be against having kids one day”. Now we are married and we both want kids. 

my point is: people do change their mind about those things but I feel like if your bf was to change his mind he would have by now. 24 and in a long serious relationship should be enough to know how you want your future to look like. 

Post # 26
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake

I’m so sorry bee! Life is complicated that’s for sure. Like another poster said love is sometimes more than getting along & caring deeply for someone. Sometimes it means having to make the hard decision & letting someone go for your greater happiness in the end. It doesn’t make it any less hard though!   ((Hugs))

Post # 27
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

PP already said most of what I wanted to. So I just add three expieriences which taught me, that living with the idea of never getting children doesn’t work out:

A couple we’re friends with was in a similar situation, but it was her who didn’t want marriage or kids. He’s 39 now, she’s 33 and after 7 years together she still sticks to her opinion. 

He loves her so much, but this slowly contaminated their relationship. He tried to cope with the situation but in the end she felt pressured as he (in silence) hoped she’d change her opinion when getting older. This didn’t happen and eventually she ended the relationship because she felt like taking his dreams from him.

So, in the end, he’s nearly 40 and single again. 

Another couple, another story: She wanted children, he didn’t. She, after some years, secetrly stopped taking the pill, because ‘he will love it, once it’s born!’, got pregnant, he married her.

Ugliest divorce you could ever imagine, he’s still not interested in this child, only pays for it and hates the mother. 

Another story (sister’s bff): He doesn’t want children, she does. She gets pregnant (accidently), he thinks she did it on purpose, leaves her. 

You can live with not getting married. But you can’t live with not getting children, if this is something you wish for. You’ll end up bitter and in the end, none of you will be happy. Not you, but he neither. 

Leave him. 

Post # 28
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am sure he does love you. I am also sure he can be very committed to you. But not everyone believes marriage or kids are necessary for a loving, lifelong commitment, or necessary steps to take in life. Your boyfriend sounds like one of them. Which is perfectly fine. He has been honest with you.

It sounds to me like of those two things, having kids especially is a must for you. Which is also perfectly fine. But…you are not perfectly fine together if you do feel kids is something you are not willing to pass on. Good for you for recognizing you can’t pressure him to want the same things…sadly many don’t realize this!

Your friends are giving you bad advice. Is it possible maybe one day he might marry or have kids? Maybe. Just as you might decide one day you do not want kids after all. But you can’t make decisions on those kind of remote possibilities. It is wrong of your friends to essentially assume he will change his mind (because of his age, etc). Flip it around, what if his friends were trying to convince him you would change YOUR mind?

I am in my late 30s and childfree. I have known a looong time I was not interested in having children and have only become more resolved in that decision over time to point I am sterilized. When we met, my husband was open to possibility of having children but they were not a must. He is what I refer to as intiially childfree by acquiescence though he has become childfree for many more reasons now.  But if he had really wanted them, and pressured me to have them anyway, well, as wonderful as we are together, and much as we love each other, as much as I believe we have one of those very special and rare bonds, we would not be together today.

Sometimes people in a relationship who have a lot of love, a lot of fun, a lot of respect just have very incompatible life goals. It is painful knowing that you can’t be together because of “one thing” but that one thing here is HUGE. Appreciate the time you have had, end the relationship, and take some time to be on your own to heal, recover and be in a good place before you think of dating again.

Post # 29
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

hailie93 : its great hes being upfront about this. When people tell you who they are BELIEVE THEM. You need to break up and date someone who values marriage and family. You are wasting your time with him if you want to be a wife and mom. DO NOT just sit around for a decade hoping he changes his mind.

Post # 30
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

I say you need to leave him. Now, not in another year or more. You might be young now but it’s best to take a break after dating to see what you really want and then get yourself out there. You’ve already spent over 2 years with someone that doesn’t share your life goals so if you did that with others you might not find the man you’re supposed to marry by the time you are ready to settle down.

Most good relationships feel like it’s the best thing that will ever happen to us, that we couldn’t imagine our life without them- but here’s the thing, there isn’t just one perfect guy for you. There are lots of guys out there that you could fall in love with and will still want the life goals you want. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but I’m even more sure if you stick with him you’ll losing your chance at a guy better for you while you’re also missing out on children in your life.

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