(Closed) My boyfriend doesn't want marriage or kids

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 31
Member
10084 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

If you want it and he doesn’t then you need to move on now and save yourself some time.

Post # 33
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

hailie93 :  I think you are handling everything perfectly! I’m glad you’re listening to the advice from the Bee community. There’s nothing wrong with remaining friends and moving on with someone else. You definitely can’t be in a relationship with someone hoping they’ll change their stance. You have to look out for your wants and needs. 

Post # 34
Member
4820 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

hailie93 :  Don’t count on someone changing.   Find someone who shares your life dreams.  He isn’t the only trustworthy man out there.  

Post # 35
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

hailie93 :  You have a great guy. He was honest with you and didn’t lead you on. For that, I respect him 100%. Relationships are about comprmise but this, my darling bee, is a deal-breaker. If you want marriage and children you should have that because you’re awesome and you deserve it. If he wants a life without marriage or children he should have that because he’s awesome and deserves it. Neither one of you are selfish, you just have total opposite visions for your future which means a long term commitment will not work. 

You’re doing the right thing. It’s not the easy thing and it will be hard but you will make it through. 5 years from now you will look back on this as one of the best choices you ever made. (((hugs)))

Post # 36
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Alright it looks like im going to be the odd one out here, 

I was in a similiar situation my now husband had been saying he didnt want to get married and didnt want kids, I have always been on the fence about kids so that to me was not a huge deal, but marriage always has been.

 

We had been dating a few years and I casually brought up marriage again and he said that he wouldnt even consider it until we were 30, because he really didnt want to get married, we were 20 at the time,

 

We got a puppy and just kept living together, and a week after my 21st birthday he proposed, saying he couldnt imagine his life without me, a year later we got married, now, he has started dropping hints about kids, he still isnt sure if he wants them but as people get older they do change, im not saying hold out hope, but maybe sit down with him and have a real conversation about if its ever a possability, and if he is still firm on it, it might be time to move on, I understand my husband is not the norm, and normally people dont change their mind so quickly, but I think what really helped was us having real conversations about it, even though sometimes they were hard to have.

Post # 37
Member
9290 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

you need to determine if this is a dealbreaker for you.  if this is something you want without a doubt, then you need to move on.

Post # 38
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

hailie93 :  Coming at this from the postion of someone who has to end multiple really good relationships with really good people because I am a genuine, firmly committed CF woman, I want to say that first, I understand how much it sucks to have to end something that is really, really good; second, I respect the way you’ve been coming across in your replies; and third, that you are NOT selfish if you choose to end a relationship over this.  

He has a right to a future without being a parent and YOU have a right to a future where you are a parent.  Perhaps most importantly, your child has a right to be born into a situation where s/he is joyfully anticipated by anyone and everyone who will be responsible for his/her well-being.

If this will make you feel better–of the three men that my CF status has been a dealbreaker with (so far), I remain very good friends with two of them and pleasant acquaintances with the third (he moved and, well, is very busy parenting his four children).

Post # 39
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

If you arent ready for marriage and kids today, then theres no point in breaking up with him now. So you can run off and find someone who does want those things, even though you arent ready for them yet? If you are truly happy with this person, I would give it more time. I would wait another couple of years and then revisit this topic with him. If he still is strong about not wanting marriage or kids in a couple years I would end it and then find someone who was on the same page as me.

Post # 40
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I read your most recent update and my heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine having to break up with someone where everything was wonderful, with the exception of wanting marriage and kids. It’s not something I could compromise on, either.

My advice remains the same, however. If his future wants/needs don’t align with yours, you have to move on. There are many good guys out there, just give yourself time to grieve and heal from this break-up before moving on. Best of luck to you!

Post # 41
Member
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

hailie93 :  guys act like that around that age. My FIs older brother said the exact same thing around that age. He was like I’ll never get married or have kids. And what did he do? Got married and had a kid this year! He’s 32 now. Honestly, people don’t become mature til they’re 25. Your SO got two more years to figure out what he wants.  But I highly don’t suggest you to wait that long to find out if he’s just going to drag you down or really have a life with you. You could, but that’s a risk you have to take.

Post # 42
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

hailie93 :  Just curious, when did you first find out your bf didn’t want marriage or kids? Personally, as these are things I’ve always wanted, when I was single I’d usually ask or it came up naturally at the very beginning of a relationship. If I heard that, I’d know right then and there this wasn’t going to be a serious relationship for me and I may or may not end it before it began. I don’t see the point of being in a long term relationship when what you want at the end of the day are two very different things.

Two years isn’t a whole lot of time and you are young so you have time to make a choice, but I wouldn’t give up on a lifelong goal/dream of marriage and kids at this point in your life. 

Post # 43
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

princessbee1991 :  Many of the genuinely committed CF women on this website have repeatedly shared how they knew they did not want to be parents from the time they were very young (I didn’t have the vocabulary to say it when I was young, but even when I was in elementary school, I knew that I thought the idea of being a mother wasn’t fun).  Not every young person who declares him or herself to be childfree is guaranteed to have a change of heart.

I think the OP is much better off respecting her partner by respecting what he has consistently and honestly shared with her, which is that he does not want to be a parent (and this, according to the OP, makes sense to her), and acting based on that information instead of getting any hopes up for a change of heart that may never come.  

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