(Closed) My boyfriend doesn't want marriage or kids

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 46
Member
942 posts
Busy bee

Agree with PPs. I know it will hurt and I know you might end up thinking marriage and kids are still a distant future thought and you could live with it four years more, but that would mean investing more time into a relationship that you know now isn’t compatible. 

My ex was the kind of live-in-the-moment guy. Short-term I’m fine with it, we argued but I compromised and enjoyed many “present time” with him. But I’m always looking toward the future, and I’m quite a planner. I needed to feel secure knowing that we are heading toward the same future, the same vision on the same path. I needed him to do his best with me to fulfill this ideal future. But he wasn’t like that at all and he didn’t like planning or find a stable job and save up for our wedding and a house and kids. He wanted to enjoy his life right now and wander around doing odd jobs here and there and live (depend) on his family a lot.

I couldn’t see a future with him so I left. I’m happily engaged to my Fiance now who shares the same lifestyle and vision for the future as me. I was with my ex longer than my Fiance but I never even thought of getting engaged to him or anything simply because what we wanted was so different I never bothered. 

Good luck to you though x

Post # 47
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

hailie93 :  Be strong! It’s going to be OK! You sound like a lovely person, and I have complete faith that you will find someone who adores you and will share your dream with you – truly. Just make sure you surround yourself with people who love you, go out with your friends, find a new hobby – meet new people! And don’t settle for anything less than you want (from a guy who treats you as you deserve to be treated).

Post # 48
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

hailie93 :  I’m sorry to hear that. At least now you know. Best of luck to you.

Post # 49
Member
3915 posts
Honey bee

He is doing the right thing by being upfront and honest with you. You owe it to him to do the same. These are very big things to not agree on, and you will save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak by accepting it now. He is your first healthy relationship, but that doesn’t mean he’s the last!! Sorry you’re going through this 🙁

Post # 50
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

hailie93 :  Don’t worry about anything triggering your OCD ”back” to where you where 2 years ago. you’re not the same person as you were two years ago. When you suffer from any form of anxiety, memory loves to play tricks. But if anything like that happens, it’s just memory. Nobody can take what you’ve learnt and where you’ve moved forward to over the past 2 years away from you.

There will be a pretty difficult grieving period when you break up, but that’s normal and you will move on through it to become a person you never even thought you could be. Some years from now you’ll have your husband and kids and look back and all of this will make sense.

Post # 52
Member
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

MarriedToMyWork :  while I was dating my Fiance I was the same thing though. I was set to NEVER have kids. Like never! I still don’t and I’m 25. And him being so sweet he is respecting my wishes although he wants one down the line. Do I see myself having kids HECK no! But if I’m marrying the love of my life, why not have a change of heart? Who knows. We may never have kids and we might. The fact that I’m considering is what counts. But if you’re being a person who is like NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER without thinking about them at all….then maybe you shouldnt be with that person. I’m telling you I WAS that person but when you get older mature enough to get engaged, and setting out to marrying that person things change. But if he does decide to marry her when he’s mature enough (after a long chat about the future one last time), then thats a door of hope that can be opened for the both of them 🙂

If OPs bf isn’t planning on marrying her then she should move on. My question to OP is why is he staying in this relationship this long without considering? 2.5 years Is a LONG time. OP did you know about his decision when you started out dating him? Like…..4-6 months?

Post # 53
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I’m sorry Bee. If you guys stay together, one of you will be miserable. If you seperate, you have a chance for both of you to be happy. 

Post # 54
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

princessbee1991 :  uhh because maybe it’s got nothing to do with maturity and everything to do with a personal choice? People who don’t want children aren’t immature, they just don’t want children. People are allowed to make choices. 

Post # 55
Member
11109 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

MarriedToMyWork :  

I’m one of those fully committed CF women.  I knew at age nine that I didn’t want children and that never changed.  No man could convince me otherwise and I avoided dating men with kids beyond a few casual dates.

Now I am past my childbearing years with no regrets.  I am happy that I stayed true to myself and did not have kids.  In retrospect, I can see so many reasons why it wouldn’t have worked for me.

Post # 56
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

hailie93 :  Hi. My cousin was in the exact same situation as you at your age, so I’ll tell the story in case any part of it speaks to you.

She was still in her teens. She clicked with him, they laughed together like noone she has ever met before or since then, everything was great, they were teen sweethearts who grew together. But he insisted after his parents’ messy nasty divorce that he never wanted kids. He hated anything to do with kids. He was adamant he’d never ever change. At 25 he was still in that place. She was someone who’s always wanted 4 kids since she was very young. She was strong and brave and she split up with him. He rang my aunt every day for weeks trying to reconcile, but while he refused to entertain the idea of ever being a dad, my cousin held her ground and refused.

They went their separate ways and she had some terrible relationships but eventually ended up with her husband, who is similar to her original sweetheart but also very, very different. She is now happily married (for 10 years, since the age of 30) with 3 lovely kids. Her sweetheart also got married….. to a woman who had been told she probably couldn’t have kids due to cancer. Regardless, when she got pregnant he embraced it and they now have 2 kids of similar ages to my cousin’s kids. The 2nd I assume was planned (possibly even the 1st as well?) so he clearly changed his mind. By the time he became a dad he was about 34- he’d matured a lot and life had changed him. Those kids are his whole world now.

Through all this time my cousin and he spoke every 6 months or year on the phone, and texted. She still does, though she keeps it quiet from her husband. She said they won’t meet in person. She just still cares for him and wants to check he is ok. They live in different parts of the country.

It’s a poignant story in a way as she still loves him a bit I think, and he will always have a bit of her heart, and they will always share those old silly jokes because *he knew the 20 year old version of her in a way her husband never will* (that’s the point- she ALSO changed!) She has zero regrets as she knows she made the best decision in the long run. She had no real choice; she couldn’t have taken the chance that he’d never change his mind. I guess every time she looks at her kids she knows *they* wouldn’t be there if she’d followed a different path. She lives in a beautiful place, has a blessed life and her husband is great, an amazing guy. It’s very Sliding Doors. It always makes me think there is not just one person for any of us.

The other interesting lesson you could draw is that your boyfriend might well change his mind but even if he does, it might be at the wrong time for YOU or in response to other outside factors that don’t apply to YOUR relationship with him.

I don’t know the answer for you but good luck.

Post # 57
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I feel for you, but you are processing this so well. It will be hard but you are doing the right thing. 

Yes, some people change their mind on this issue but many don’t, of both sexes. A good friend of mine said she didn’t want children at school, she’s great with children and lots of people said she would change her mind. She hasn’t, she’s 45, the same age as me, a fantastic auntie and stepmother to her husband’s daughter.

Holding out in case he changes his mind isn’t only incredibly risky, it’s a bit disrespectful in my opinion. When someone is very clear about who they are about who they are or their values or goals, it’s patronising to dismiss their solidity: “Oh, you’ll change your mind about this whole Jesus, religious shebang once you open your eyes to what a lot of nonsense it all is/ Oh you’ll drop all this career woman nonsense once you have a baby/ Oh you’ll soon drop this Democrat thing once you have a mortgage and are paying taxes” 

It sounds like you are both respectful of the other. You will find someone else who makes your heart race AND shares your goals. Sympathy in spades though. 💐

Post # 58
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

This post made me so sad, sounds awful 🙁 I can’t even imagine myself in your shoes.

I just want to wish you good luck and I really hope that you are making the right decision. The years fly by so fast, you won’t even notice and suddenly you wake up and you are soon 27.. (Speaking from experience, lol…)

Post # 59
Member
13 posts
Newbee

hailie93 :  I was in a similar situation a few years ago, he was not interested in ever having children and I have always wanted them. I ended up ending the relationship, even though everything else was perfect because I realized that even if he came around and we decided to have children together, I want someone who wants to be a parent just as much as I do. You never know what life will throw at you and if something were to happen to me, I would want my kids to be left with a parent that truly wanted to be a parent if that makes sense. I know it is hard to hear. Good luck bee!

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