(Closed) My boyfriend doesn't want marriage or kids

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 61
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

Do what I should have done with the wrong man once upon a time. Follow Elsa’s advice and just let it go! Ok, Elsa wasn’t invented yet, but still good advice in a lot of situations.

Said wrong man said he was perfectly all right with my not having kids, and though I did change my mind on the marriage part, when we met I was leaning towards no.  About 5 years later he got angry and acted shocked that I ‘hadn’t changed my mind on kids yet’ Apparently everyone and their mother told him I would.

Save yourself both a lot of heartache and find a guy that wants more of the same things you do. Your current boyfriend is not the only man you can ever love, don’t kid yourself that you’ll never love another as much. Please don’t do what too many women have done if they are telling the truth, get pregnant thinking that this will show him how wonderful of a idea it is and that you’ll live happily ever after. I  can name a few classmates of mine that are single mothers now that had the same plan once upon a time.

Post # 62
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

hailie93 :  I read this answer on Quora in one of the threads about those who chose not to have kids, and it really stuck in my mind.  I was trying to find it to link it but couldn’t, so I’ll just summarize it.  

The answer was written by someone about their aunt who was with a man who didn’t want to have kids.  Because she loved him so much, she decided she was OK with not having kids and stayed with him.  They were married for 20+ years and did have a good life–made good money, took nice vacations, etc.  

Then when the aunt was 47, her husband had an affair with another woman, got that woman pregnant, and left the aunt to be with the other woman and their kid.  He now has MORE kids with her and seems really happy with his family–this the man who had said that he never, ever wanted kids.  Meanwhile the author’s aunt was 47, divorced, can’t have her own biological children anymore, and is deeply deeply bitter seeing her ex happy with his new family and HIS biological children that he said he never wanted. 

Stay with him if you don’t think you will end up feeling like this answer-writer’s aunt.  If you think that the life you would’ve had together will be worthwhile even if the ending is not great, then go for it.  But if there’s any doubt that you might be bitter one day WHEN IT’S TOO LATE to change your mind (because women are limited by biology), then you need to go. 

Post # 63
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2016

That is such a hard place to be in but it is good you are discussing now and not when you are wanting to have children. Sometimes we just want different things and he shouldn’t have to change his mind in the same way that you shouldn’t have to change yours. Only you know what is right for you but you shouldn’t have to give up something you have always dreamed of.

Post # 66
Member
391 posts
Helper bee

You have a really difficult decision to make.  Do not assume he will change his mind.  That is a reciepe for problems later on.  What you need to think now is: Do you love him enough that you want to give up your desire to get married and have children someday?  If the answer is no, or you are hoping he’ll change, then you should get out and find someone who does want children and does want to get married (things it seems like most people end up doing).

As someone who is CFBC I knew as early as 4-5th grade I didn’t want to be a mother or have children.  I have never changed my mind–nor will I.  I always made sure my significant others knew this.  Thankfully, I finally found someone else who also did not want children.  I never would have entered into a long term relationship with someone who also did not want children and did not want to get married as I always wanted too.

Post # 67
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

minimalistbride :  I did the same thing! I’ve always known I wanted to CFBC, even before I knew there was a phrase describing it. My FH and I see it as a major point of agreement. When I was dating a lot, I always found a way to casually slip it into conversations on literally the very first date. Usually some extend version of “So do you like this [restaurant/bar/coffee shop/whatever]? Yeah, me too, my friend BlahBlah and I like to come here for girl’s nights when her in-laws get their much-begged-for quality time with her 15-month-old, Mason … do you know if you want kids?” Any guy who answered with an unequivocal “yes,” or worse, tried to argue that I’d change my mind and want them too, didn’t get a second date. Weeded out a lot of bad matches early on.

Post # 68
Member
21 posts
Newbee

i’m sorry, that’s a really difficult decision to make.  i’d like to say that i’d end it, even though you’re not ready just yet, it will only become more difficult to walk away when you are.  some people do change their minds (once upon a time i was on the fence about having kids, now i have a touch of baby fever), but you absolutely cannot count on that being the case.  if he knows it’s important to you, but isn’t willing to talk about it at all, i’d walk…

Post # 69
Member
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

morningcoffee :  well since you put it that way. I respect your post. I was raised where if you don’t want any children don’t marry at all it wouldn’t be fair for the other person who does. But hearing that all my life I can see errors in it myself. I like to be cuddled and loved without children involved. I just want my husband to myself. That can be a bit selfish for me. But with emotions and unconditional love I don’t mind giving at least one….we may  or may not have children in the end. Time will only tell. As for OP, if her bf doesn’t want any at all…..then thats his loss, to an amazing woman. 

Post # 70
Member
7064 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

hailie93 :  You need to decide if a life without kids is worth it. If it’s not you need to cut your losses and move on. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Sure he’s young and there’s a SLIGHT chance he may change his mind….but what if he doesn’t? What if you’re 5 years down the road ready to have kids and he still doesn’t want them? Then what? In my experience if you try to stuff that part of you that wants kids for a guy, you’re going to regret it and become resentful.

Post # 71
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

So your friends are kind of right – he may change his mind, but he might not. you can’t bank on that happening and you can’t compromise on these big life changing things. 

 

You can’t have like 1/2 a child or be kinda married and if he’s saying he doesn’t want them then you have to respect that, even if you really love him. 

 

I was with someone last year, it moved fast but we both fell hard. We had the “no kids” talk up front because at this stage of my life I’ve found being honest is the best way to do it. He, originally, agreed with me but then about 8 months down the road he thought it was one of those “not right now; let’s re-visit in X years” things. I had to tell him . . . I don’t want them. Maybe I will change my mind but don’t bank on it because it’s not likely to happen. I just don’t want them. So if you need to make that decision make it now. It hurt sooooooo much when he left because I really loved him and wanted a life with him, but I won’t give him kids and that was a deal breaker for him. And I couldn’t even say there’s a chance because I don’t know that there is. He had to make the right choice for him, and he did. It was hard but he did. 

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