Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years. Granted, we are young, we started dating back in high school when we were 16, we’ve still been together (no break-ups or anything of that nature) for 6 years. In the beginning of our relationship we talked about marriage and having children all the time but now it’s a sore subject. During the 6 years we’ve been together his parents went through a pretty nasty divorce. I don’t completely blame the terrible divorce on why he doesn’t ever want to get married but I do feel that it plays a very important role in why he feels the way he does about the idea. So now when we are around people or just talking in general and the subject of marriage is brought up he quickly states “Oh, I’m never getting married.” And as time goes on my feelings are becoming more and more hurt. I feel like he boasts infront of people that he has no intentions of getting married. I also feel like I look like the dumb girlfriend whos just a long for the ride. Marriage is important to me because it means that you unquestionably love this person and plan on spending the rest of your life with them. I don’t really care about the ceremony or the dress. We already live together and I mean we spend most of our time together. We get along great but when we talk about marriage it always ends badly. I know we are young and I don’t want to get married tomorrow but I’m hung up on the fact that my boyfriend is ant-marriage and I’m not. Any ideas on how I can make the conversation of marriage less painful for both of us?
Thanks for listening!
Post # 3
It your boyfriend has said he doesn’t want to get married, believe him. If you can handle being with him for a lifetime without a marriage, then do so. If you can’t, cut your losses and leave.
Post # 4
are you wanting to leave if he doesnt change his mind ? if he doesnt wanna get married, how does he feel about kids. or would you be against having kids with someone your not married to.
Post # 5
First off I’m going to say. I’m sooo sorry you have to deal with this. It’s not one of the fun parts of relationships. I’m just going to tell you that you can’t count on ever getting married to him. If he flat out says he doesn’t want to get married.. then take him at his word. He may NEVER want to get married.. and he won’t be at fault because he’s told you that. Just sit down with him and ask him if he’s serious about what he boasts about. It may be a very painful situation, especially since you WANT to marry him. At that point you’re going to have to decide like the pp said. You can 1) be 100% with never getting married to him or 2) you’ll have to end things because it’s not fair to YOU to be with someone you want to marry but doesnt feel the same way and will never feel that way.
Post # 6
This is a rubbish situation to find yourself in, and I’m sorry.
I know you said it was a sore subject for him but you need to have an honest and open discussion with him about this because this is something that is important to you. He may keep trying to shut down the conversation but it needs to be heard. As long as you stay calm about it, and maybe head it off with “I don’t want to get married now, but I do want to get married in the future” to try and make it clear you’re not looking for him to drop down on one knee right this second.
If you genuinely can’t deal with the idea of never marrying, and he honestly can’t picture himself getting married, it may be better for you to cut your losses now rather than hanging around.
Post # 7
If you REALLY feel that marriage has to be a part of your future, then you need to leave him, as he is telling you honestly this is something he won’t give you!
Post # 8
I used to never be interested in getting married – there were so many things I wanted to do, I couldn’t imagine the SAME person every day forever, etc. But then I met my SO, and a few months in I just knew he was my forever person. So, I guess my point is people might change, but I don’t know how much it is a matter of age (I was close to 30 when he and I met) or the right person. Only you know what your relationship is like, and which it is likely to be. For now, if you’re going to stick around, you might perhaps just want to start by telling him that his boasting is hurting your feelings.
Post # 9
Don’t sacrifice your happiness for someone who refuses to give you all that you want in a relationship. The right person is out there for you. You deserve better. It doesn’t make him a bad person, just the wrong person for you. Good Luck.
Post # 10
If marriage is a deal breaker then there’s no future with him. Either one of you will have to compromise how you feel about it or end the relationship. It won’t work if you want something he won’t give you.
Post # 11
I am so sorry you have to go through this. First off, I have spend the first half of my 20s with men who didn’t want to committ, but I still stuck around because I ‘invested so much time’. Well thank god I left or I would still be investing time, but since leaving relationships with boys similar to your bf I am now with a man that wants what I want one day. Please, please don’t do what I did. Find someone who wants what you want. He will be sorry in the long run. Not many women will be with men who don’t want marriage.
Post # 12
My husband now, use to say many things…he wasn’teven ready to settle down when I met him 7 years ago. The minute I saw he wasn’t in the same page as me. I stopped dating him completely. There was no way I was going to waste my time for someone who wasn’t ready for me. 2 1/2 years later he was hounding me like a puppy dog. I would not give in till i told him it was all or nothing because I wasnt playing games. We dated 2 years and I got pregnat and now we are married. Got married last week. So the point is if you are firm with him and if he really loves you he wil see.
Post # 13
I agree with the previous posters. Since he has stated this, it may be true and he has been honest. But it could be that he hasn’t really thought it through or considered losing you.
The only thing to do is to talk to him about it. Tell him that the comments hurt you and that you can not stay with him if marriage isn’t in the future. You said that conversations abotu marriage end badly but can you be just a bit ore specific? Lots of ladies on here have experience and can maybe help you.
I dont think the fact he has said this means he really will NEVER get married…. but it COULD mean that. You cant rule it out.
It basically means you HAVE to deal with it. I think that staying hoping he will change his mind, and not talking about it, would be a mistake.
Even if he really feels this way i think it is insensitive to shout it out so emphatically in front of people. so regardless of what you decide, it should be called to his attention.
Good luck. We are all here to listen.
Post # 14
he is young. he isn’t even thinking of marriage and why should he be. he may change his mind but if it’s a dealbreaker, you need to make some decisions. whatever you do, don’t force it on him. you will both end up miserable.
Post # 15
Totally just my own opinion: Dump him – dump him now, dump him fast, and don’t waste anymore time with him. You think you’re young now and all that because you’re in your early twenties, that time flies so quickly and before you know it, you’ll be 32 not 22 and you’ll wonder where the time went.
if you don’t want the same things in life, deal with it now and move on. You have to respect his feelings on marriage because it’s not for everyone. You deserve someone who values marriage if that’s important to you. I would just flatly tell him – marriage is important to me and clearly you’re against it. That means we have no future together. Have a nice life. There are plenty of other guys who will want to marry you!
But that’s just me. I’ve been in that boat and that’s what I did. BEST decision I ever made.
Post # 16
Guys say what they mean. There’s no subtext, no “what does he mean by that?”. He’s telling the truth.
As PPs have said, don’t waste your time. Sure, you’ve invested some, but really just your teenage years.
This is yet another reason why I hate to see girls move in with their guys without a firm weddding date set. Guys tend to see living together as an end in itself, not a step toward getting married like girls do. Once the status quo is established, it’s hard to change.