My Boyfriend is a Sloth

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Destination wedding Hawaii

Waiting after your vacation sounds like a great idea bc you never know you’d hate to spoil it before lol. I’d say a house and some fur kids you’re on your way there it’ll all come in due time. 

Post # 33
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Destination wedding Hawaii

It’s hard these days with everyone putting so many expectations on you. I wanted a baby and a ring by 30 lol well I got the baby 3 months before my 30th and the ring came 6 months later I was a young mom at 18 so I wanted my last one before 30 it’s funny how we all have a plan and how we want things by certain times. We all just put more pressure on ourselves. You guys are pretty accomplished for your age and it sounds like he wants to do things the right way. Good for you guys and I can’t wait to follow your story when it does finally happen. You’re building a great foundation which will be great for your marriage!! 

Post # 35
Member
9853 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

 

I’m actually disapointed cause I thought you were going to show us pictures of a super cute animal.

 

Post # 36
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t have much advice but I’m in the same boat so I can totally relate to you.. my bf is a sloth too. It sucks I’ve talked about it a lot and he finally told me that he didn’t appreciate the nagging so I’ve stopped now but it still feels like it’s never going to happen!!! 

Post # 37
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It’s ok bee, the truth is that most people are scared to have these conversations. I know I was. It’s scary because you’re making yourself vulnerable, and even if you have a good hunch that your partner will be on the same page as you, there’s always that bit of suspense and uncertainty, that dread that maybe he’s not on the same page at all and if that’s the case then what???

But better to find that out now than let a few more years go by before forcing the issue. Just tell him that marriage is important to you and ask him where his head is on the subject. 

as for him feeling “pressured” – I don’t have a lot of sympathy there, not when you’ve been together 4 yrs, are almost 30, and live together. I think a lot of guys use this “I don’t want to feel pressured” thing as an excuse when they’re just not emotionally ready for marriage yet. Not saying that’s definitely the case with your guy, but i’d be wary if he keeps using the whole ‘pressuring’ thing as an excuse.

Post # 38
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly, Bee you and I sound like the same person. My SO is happy to tag along on my plans and even get excieted about them but I have to be the one who instigates them. I’m another waiting bee so I understand where you are coming from, it always seemed like my SO was more than happy having a future where we were married with kids but the proposal never seemed to materialize. So they sound very similar. We even have a Shepard as well πŸ˜†. But I digress.

I don’t think he sounds like he is not ready for marriage or doesn’t want to marry you. He wouldn’t feel as comfortable talking about kids and future etc if that were the case. If he is like my guy it’s more that he needs to come to terms with “the future” becoming now. We joked and laughed and picked out kids name too. I asked about a year in I asked when he saw us married, he said in a year or two. Six months later it was still a year or two. A year down the road …yep…a year or two. I honestly wasn’t ready myself so I was ok with the wait. But when I became ready I started to worry about him pushing it back. What finally “worked” for us was sitting him down and basically saying, I want to be your wife, your partner, I don’t want you to think about all the other stuff, wedding, expectations, etc I just want to know when you really see us getting married. I had to stop joking about it and just flat out bluntly ask. He still needed time to adjust to the idea but actuall that talk put marriage on his radar so to speak. My guess is it just “some time in the future” and he really doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. Tell him what you want and set a longish deadline…say a year or two…but be explicit about it not vague. That gives him time for him to come to terms mentally. If he is like my Guy once he got over the “huge step” that marriage was the actual thought of marrying me became really excreting for him and I hope my proposal comes soon. Good luck bee!

Post # 41
Member
9853 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

jeshicat :  Yasss!!! Super cute puppies and sloths!!

Well done, carry on!

Post # 42
Member
479 posts
Helper bee

jeshicat :  You wear the pants of the relationship – and that’s okay! That’s how you guys work. My Darling Husband and I are similar. I take charge of important decisions but at the same time, he doesn’t like to be pressured into making decisions, he doesnt like being judged or told what to do whereas I want things done quickly and want closure… It was a steep learning curve for me but I figured that he needed lots of space, compliments and encouragements which I started giving to him.

Just different personalities. Just let him be and give him space and encourage him and say you believe in him! My husband is at his best when left alone and given encouragements. If i start dictating things, he usually will go along with it but is very unhappy about it and just becomes dependent on it. When I just let him be and say he’s doing well and I believe in him (even though I feel insecure about the situation), he actually picks things up and takes charge of things. 

For me, I didn’t figure this out before our marriage. So the first 6 months of our marriage was a steep learning curve for me. It took me a while to get out of the “why can’t he just man up” mindset to “he just has a different personality and he’s motivated by different things”. 

If you bought a house together etc, you are already half way there right? Read his love language and try to mirror it! Men will go out of their comfort zone for their partners when they feel like they’r more in charge. You said he gives you reassurances when you need it. Perhaps you need to step back and mirror his love language even though you feel he’s a sloth and you need to take charge. With other things, you can take charge and plan but in terms of proposal and losing weight, you can’t do that for him. Just give him space.

When I first met my husband, he was big and he was unhealthy and unfit. I told him it would be good to do just few pushups a day. He didn’t do it. I didn’t force it on him though. I just said he looks good, doing well etc. He started to pick things up himself and now he runs marathons, shed 15kg, gyms etc. My husband resents being micromanaged and he goes the other way when someone tells him what to do but at the same time, he’s not much of a planner or an organiser so I do most of planning and organising because I enjoy it but when it comes to things that HE has to do, I mention it just once or twice and don’t nag him. From your post, I can see that he is being pressured by a lot of people around him. Just give him space and stick up for him!!

Post # 43
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

No we don’t have a boxer but I really want a Staffordshire Bull Terrier next. SO says we have to wait a year to let our newly adopted puppy settle in. But we both agree our fur baby could use a friend. We almost adopted a  boxer mix at the Rescue that “talked” to us (that really quite howling) but he had the habit of chasing cats, which our cat would not have appreciated πŸ˜€. If it doesn’t totally hijack your thread I vote for a picture of your boxer too. πŸ˜€

Post # 44
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

MrsJumboKappo :  

I take charge of important decisions but at the same time, he doesn’t like to be pressured into making decisions, he doesnt like being judged or told what to do whereas I want things done quickly and want closure… Just different personalities. Just let him be and give him space and encourage him and say you believe in him! My husband is at his best when left alone and given encouragements. If i start dictating things, he usually will go along with it but is very unhappy about it and just becomes dependent on it. When I just let him be and say he’s doing well and I believe in him (even though I feel insecure about the situation), he actually picks things up and takes charge of things. 

^ Your whole post is well put, and the above sounds a lot like me and Darling Husband too!

OP, I also realized during our early talks about marriage/timeline talks that Darling Husband (BF at the time) also needed more time than I did to process big changes in life, especially when I (and others) were constantly asking him about it. After a long talk about this one night, we realized (I say ‘we’ because I don’t think he realized this himself until we fleshed it out) that he saw me as 100% fine, not nervous about a thing, perhaps even a little nonchallant about it all from his perspective, and while he was 100% sure he wanted to be with me forever, he was kind of craving a different type of talk — one where we acknowledge everything — like DAMN we’re making a decision to get MARRIED!!! This is the rest of our lives! This is exciting! A little scary! But amazing!

Once the conversation shifted, and I reassured him that I also think it’s a huge deal and of course there are some things I am nervous about – and it’s OK for us to feel that way! (not about each other, but just about marriage/life in general, which we then talked about a little) After this, he switched gears. He seemed way more ready to take the initiative himself to buy the ring, tell my parents, etc. And he did! It’s almost as if it took some pressure off and it was a relief for him to hear that stuff coming from me. 

Not sure if that makes any sense (sometimes it’s hard to explain something specific from your own relationship) but just figured I’d share in case it helps at all!

Good luck!

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