My Boyfriend is a Sloth

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think you should think about WHY you’re scared of having this conversation.  I bet you’re not scared of asking him how many children y’all want, vacations you’ll go on, or how you’ll discipline children.

 

So why this topic?   Could be that you’re scared of what he’s going to say.  Could be that you’re scared of pushing him away.  Instead of being scared, break it down. If he says “I will never marry you”. That’s not fun but you’ll have an answer.  Or “I can’t think of marriage because it’s too scary”. Not fun but it’s an answer.  Think about all the things he could say and get over the fear of those things. And I highly doubt you’ll push him away.

 

He seems to not only like your dynamic but needs it. Use that to your advantage when you have the conversation. “No Dear.  We’re talking about this right now.  If you’re not willing then we will talk about it when you’re ready, but until then I don’t want to talk about anything else, so go have a think and get back to me, but until then I don’t even want to talk about passing the spatula until we have figured out what we are doing and when we are doing it in regards to getting engaged and married.”

Stop being scared of loving words. What is the worst that could happen?  To me staying in indefinite limbo would be the worst.

Post # 48
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I totally feel you – my boyfriend is a sloth too.  We looked at rings over a year and a half ago and I’m still waiting.  I sat him down in January and told him I need to know what’s going on because it’s not fair to me.  (And who takes a girl to look at engagement rings and then not propose for over a year??) He said he thought he would propose this year, and I told him sooner rather than later.  We’re getting to the “later” portion and I’m over it.  We’ve also been together almost four years and living together for 3.  We’re both 33 and want kids so the sloth life needs to stop!  I’m going to wait until after our four year anniversary and then demand a timeline, which he has mostly refused to give me because it will “ruin the surprise.”  Surprise is already ruined, just do it already!

But our boyfriends sound a lot alike, and they have what they want (living with someone who makes all their decisions).  I think there’s a fine line between giving a guy space so he can do what he wants and needing to push them to actually make a move.  I think it’s important to remember that your feelings are important too.  While you shouldn’t force someone to marry you, it’s not fair to women to have to sit around and wait forever for a guy to get off his butt and follow through on what he says.

Post # 50
Member
31 posts
Newbee

jeshicat :  Our anniversary is in September, which is about a month before our lease would need to be renewed for another year.  If he still won’t talk to me, I’m going to tell him I want my name off our lease becuase I’m not playing house for another year without a real conversation from him.

I saw what you said above about your boyfriend saying he has to make decisions at work and take the lead there, so when he gets home, he doesn’t want to have to do any of that.  My boyfriend says the same exact thing!  It makes me feel like way less of a priority.  I was finally tired of doing everything around the house for us (I’m like your housewife but without the wife part?) so I started flat out asking him to take out the trash or do the laundry.  He still doesn’t always do it (and usually ends up doing another chore instead, which is also frustrating because that’s not what I asked you to do!), but I guess it’s a step in the right direction. 

I think the most challenging part for me is that while I never imagined getting engaged/married as being a fairy tale, I didn’t think it would involve this long drawn out process where I felt so hurt in the process.  As I said above, the woman’s feelings are important too.

Post # 52
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Did you talk to your boyfriend? What happened?

Also, I recently learned that sloths can swim. Spoiler! It’s really cute.

Post # 53
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

Chiming in to offer some sympathy and understanding. I just got engaged last month at my 40th birthday. My fiancé and I were dating for 10 years! My situation is a little different bc I was previously married to my son’s father 12 years ago so initially I was in no big hurray! As a result we both took our sweet time to the extent of slothness.

I wish we got engaged sooner and were already married d/t our age, but I guess that wasn’t our timeline. I did however express to him last year I was tired of waiting and that if we didn’t have a clear plan by this year I couldn’t continue. He said he totally agreed and it was his plan to propose sometime this year.

My proposal was super sweet and still a surprise bc I didn’t know when or where it was going to happen. If I wasn’t so caught up in my own baggage and fear of moving forward in the beginning of our relationship (for example we never moved in together) I would like to think it wouldn’t have taken so long.

My advice would be to open up, in a non joking manner and tell him again what you would like for the near future. If waiting another year or two is fine then it’s fine, but it seems to me you want to know now. Eventually this will eat away at you little by little and could spoil things.

I totally agree with the other Bees who say talk to him, tell him your wishes, take action for your future bc this is one of many big talks. You need to be able to have an open dialogue without judgement or fear of being a nag!

Good luck and keep us posted 😊

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