Post # 46
happycitybee04 : MrsJumboKappo : You guys are great! And what you both said made so much sense! I think he wants to start making changes because last night he brought up how he wants to be more motivated for stuff and he realizes he isn’t (work, health, hobbies etc). He said he finds it hard to be motivated to do things like chores because at work he has to be the lead, make decisions and do a lot of things he doesn’t want to do… So when he gets home he doesn’t want to make anymore decisions or do anything he doesn’t want to. I understand it’s a slow process because I’m also in the process of becoming a better me. I definitely do wear the pants but he would never admit that lol she’s very proud and just like MrsJumboKappos SO he doesn’t like being told what to do or micromanaged. I agree that a talk will probably have to happen where hopefully we make the thought of marriage less of a floaty blob on the future and more of a this is a thing we plan to do. Thanks again
Post # 47
I think you should think about WHY you’re scared of having this conversation. I bet you’re not scared of asking him how many children y’all want, vacations you’ll go on, or how you’ll discipline children.
So why this topic? Could be that you’re scared of what he’s going to say. Could be that you’re scared of pushing him away. Instead of being scared, break it down. If he says “I will never marry you”. That’s not fun but you’ll have an answer. Or “I can’t think of marriage because it’s too scary”. Not fun but it’s an answer. Think about all the things he could say and get over the fear of those things. And I highly doubt you’ll push him away.
He seems to not only like your dynamic but needs it. Use that to your advantage when you have the conversation. “No Dear. We’re talking about this right now. If you’re not willing then we will talk about it when you’re ready, but until then I don’t want to talk about anything else, so go have a think and get back to me, but until then I don’t even want to talk about passing the spatula until we have figured out what we are doing and when we are doing it in regards to getting engaged and married.”
Stop being scared of loving words. What is the worst that could happen? To me staying in indefinite limbo would be the worst.
Post # 48
I totally feel you – my boyfriend is a sloth too. We looked at rings over a year and a half ago and I’m still waiting. I sat him down in January and told him I need to know what’s going on because it’s not fair to me. (And who takes a girl to look at engagement rings and then not propose for over a year??) He said he thought he would propose this year, and I told him sooner rather than later. We’re getting to the “later” portion and I’m over it. We’ve also been together almost four years and living together for 3. We’re both 33 and want kids so the sloth life needs to stop! I’m going to wait until after our four year anniversary and then demand a timeline, which he has mostly refused to give me because it will “ruin the surprise.” Surprise is already ruined, just do it already!
But our boyfriends sound a lot alike, and they have what they want (living with someone who makes all their decisions). I think there’s a fine line between giving a guy space so he can do what he wants and needing to push them to actually make a move. I think it’s important to remember that your feelings are important too. While you shouldn’t force someone to marry you, it’s not fair to women to have to sit around and wait forever for a guy to get off his butt and follow through on what he says.
Post # 49
Supernurse : I think you are partially right and I didn’t really think of that. Although he likes me making decisions…he can be quite stubborn or opinionated at times. Thanks so much 🙂
lilylove14 : Well at least you got to look at rings lol but yah that would probably be more frusterating. Silly sloths. I hope your talk goes well! When is the 4 year anniversary?
Post # 50
jeshicat : Our anniversary is in September, which is about a month before our lease would need to be renewed for another year. If he still won’t talk to me, I’m going to tell him I want my name off our lease becuase I’m not playing house for another year without a real conversation from him.
I saw what you said above about your boyfriend saying he has to make decisions at work and take the lead there, so when he gets home, he doesn’t want to have to do any of that. My boyfriend says the same exact thing! It makes me feel like way less of a priority. I was finally tired of doing everything around the house for us (I’m like your housewife but without the wife part?) so I started flat out asking him to take out the trash or do the laundry. He still doesn’t always do it (and usually ends up doing another chore instead, which is also frustrating because that’s not what I asked you to do!), but I guess it’s a step in the right direction.
I think the most challenging part for me is that while I never imagined getting engaged/married as being a fairy tale, I didn’t think it would involve this long drawn out process where I felt so hurt in the process. As I said above, the woman’s feelings are important too.
Post # 51
lilylove14 : Yah we talked about that him not wanting to do anything that he doesn’t want to do when he gets home. And I pointed out that I work too and I would rather not be there… and that I still do stuff when I get home… not because I want to but because it has to get done. I am starting to think its me because my ex boyfriend (bad relationship*) and I were going out for 4 years and he proclaimed he never wanted to get married. We broke up and a year later hes married. This boyfriend says he wants to get married and would talk about marriage and seemed to think it was as important as me. But I notice I am not married yet 😛 sooo? Maybe me.. maybe I make people be too comfortable or don’t think about marriage. I think I basically need to be like “How long do you think people should date before getting married? Do you know if you want to marry me?” to which he will say yes then I will say “Okay, so what is your timeline on this?” Or something to that affect. I expect he will say yes, but I know he sees me as more than a GF and wants to marry me. He has said so.
* after we split up he tried to steal my friends and play the victim card. He told my one friend that he was going planning marry me (bullshit). Then tried to woo her and sleep with her..right after we split up. He was a creep. And after he was married and such, he still messaged my friend hitting on her.
Post # 52
Did you talk to your boyfriend? What happened?
Also, I recently learned that sloths can swim. Spoiler! It’s really cute.
Post # 53
Chiming in to offer some sympathy and understanding. I just got engaged last month at my 40th birthday. My fiancé and I were dating for 10 years! My situation is a little different bc I was previously married to my son’s father 12 years ago so initially I was in no big hurray! As a result we both took our sweet time to the extent of slothness.
I wish we got engaged sooner and were already married d/t our age, but I guess that wasn’t our timeline. I did however express to him last year I was tired of waiting and that if we didn’t have a clear plan by this year I couldn’t continue. He said he totally agreed and it was his plan to propose sometime this year.
My proposal was super sweet and still a surprise bc I didn’t know when or where it was going to happen. If I wasn’t so caught up in my own baggage and fear of moving forward in the beginning of our relationship (for example we never moved in together) I would like to think it wouldn’t have taken so long.
My advice would be to open up, in a non joking manner and tell him again what you would like for the near future. If waiting another year or two is fine then it’s fine, but it seems to me you want to know now. Eventually this will eat away at you little by little and could spoil things.
I totally agree with the other Bees who say talk to him, tell him your wishes, take action for your future bc this is one of many big talks. You need to be able to have an open dialogue without judgement or fear of being a nag!
Good luck and keep us posted 😊
Post # 54
iliketurtles82 : Ohh I actually didn’t know they swim (how did I not know that?!). So cute! I just watched swimming sloth videos lol. Ill just put a general update below 🙂
sweetpea40 : Thank you so much! Yah I decided to ask him because I realized if he just wasn’t thinking about it then I waited a few more months to bring it up then I would have to start from that point for him to start thinking about it. I think it will / is taking time for him to wrap his head around actually getting married. He is a very all or nothing sort of guy which is where I come in and balance him out because I am the it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, it can be somewhere in between… I know that once we get engaged, we basically want to start planning the wedding and having it the next year. So in his mind hes like omg I lose all this freedom (which is ridiculous because he has also pointed out when we get married nothing will really change), then people will start pressuring us to have kids. And for some reason he is worried that he will have to stop being him and not be able to do anything he wants. Which is bonkers lol Ill just give a general updates of the talks we had below
Post # 55
So we have had 4 talks…
Talk 1: Initiated by me kind of. We were laying in bed and holding hands and I asked him if he had ever pictured us being all old together. I guess earlier that day he was talking to his brother about how hes unhappy with certain aspects of his life and he feels he has all these decisions being made for him/has no say in where his life is heading…so he was not in the best mindset for life talks then.
Anyways he dove into a deep conversation and did a lot of the talking and basically said the same thing about being unhappy with certain aspects of his life / feels like he isn’t living his life and how hes unsure if he even wants kids now. I was feeling a bit bleh during the talk because I was rather confused… He was making it sound like he didn’t know what he wanted anymore.
Talk 2: We went to bed after the talk and when I woke up I was still a grumpy bear. But by time I got to work he sent me an “I love you” text and apologized for being a downer which opened up the talk a bit more (over IM). I wanted some clarification on what he was saying the night prior. He explained that he wants/needs something to change in his life and basically find a meaning to his life/figure who he is outside of us. He said he doesn’t want to have kids for the sole reason of feeling fulfilled in life. He wants to feel fulfilled and accomplished in life before having kids so that he can be a good dad.
He kept saying how I am the one sure thing in his life and I help keep him sane. He was saying he wants other parts of his life to measure up to our relationship. I asked him if he even wanted to marry me and he said yes I do. We said a few other things that I don’t really remember but I do remember that I asked him if there was anything he wanted to accomplish before getting married / anything holding him back. And he admitted that he wanted to lose weight and get in good shape… He said how its one of the most photographed days of our lives and he wants to be his best and not worried about how he looks the whole time. I asked him when he saw us getting engaged and he said “In a few years maybe…. maybe next year. Do you really wanna ruin the surprise though?” and I explained how its my future too and I don’t need an exact date or anything…Just want to know hes thought about it.
Talk 3: In the kitchen while I was making dinner after he came home from work… He brought up again about how he has all these responsibilties (our house, his job, our future) and how he has all these things laid out for him and hes not sure if he likes it. He reassured me that he doesn’t have any doubts about our future together, just the big decisions that come with it or something like that… I pointed out how no one made those decisions for him and that he made them himself.
Talk 4: He asked if I got freaked out by talk #1. I said it did because I wasn’t sure where our relationship stood in all that. He mentioned how he doesn’t like the pressure of me wanting a timeline and doesn’t get why I need to know. I told him I was happy enough with “in a few years or maybe next year” and I don’t need to know the date… just that its coming eventually. He said I shouldn’t expect an engagement next year and more realistically it will be in 2-3 years. He said something I can’t remember and I joked about how he is the one who wants a huge church wedding and he was like “What? I never said that” and I reminded him how 3 years prior he said he wanted a huge church wedding with family, court wedding or destination wedding. And he was like “well not anymore, i would be happy with just a court wedding” then he said he didn’t want to talk about wedding stuff anymore because hes stressed enough as it is. (He basically procrastinates on stuff then stresses out about it later)
So yup thats where we are at. Currently working on our eating so we lose weight… He has about 80lbs to lose and I have 70lbs to lose. We are working on getting some of those “stressful” things off his list. But as far as “finding himself” or finding meaning in his life he hasn’t done anything different. Like I have no doubt in my mind that he wants to get married to me but I also feel he will procrastinate/push it back because it stresses him out. I feel his weight is his big problem and it has made him so insecure. I wish he took losing weight more seriously or took a more active role in it aside from just eating the food I gave him. Even if he were to do some research and get a better understanding of it. Relationship wise everything has been good. I probably won’t bring up the engagement talk because I am not sure theres much else to say there. I may check in with him from time to time to see how his “living life” is going. He never wants to do anything different so I am not sure how he will go live his life. He doesn’t even know what he wants in regards to his life (aside from me in it). I guess I am a bit frusterated because he has all this “loss of freedom” talk (in regards to kids) but he could technically still do what he does now if we have a kid. So I am not quite sure what hes looking for and I have asked him and he doesn’t know!
Post # 56
Apparently I’m talented because I was just checking my thread and somehow made a random comment on it