My boyfriend is always checking out other girls

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Coming from someone who has dated guys like this, I think it’s really disrespectful and gross to be ogling other women. Sure, you can think others are attractive but to go out and your way and make it noticeable you are checking them out is another thing.

Talking with the guys I dated never seemed to work, theyd turn it on it being my issue somehow. Ultimately I married a guy who doesnt engage in this kind of behavior and the relationship is much healthier.

Post # 17
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
newgirldee :  Sweetie- you’re being insecure in NOT bringing it up. If something bothers you and you’re uncomfortable with it, don’t worry about looking insecure or jealous or any of that Cool Girl crap, speak your mind. 

I actually had this exact problem with my husband in early weeks of dating and it was a dealbreaker for me. Like your guy he was a sweet, attentive boyfriend- but he’d openly notice a hot woman in front of me, even make a comment about it. He was so used to women playing ‘Cool Girl’ about this (though in fairness, I’m sure there are women who genuinely aren’t bothered by it) that he seemed surprised it was an issue for me.

Well, we were at his company’s Christmas party which was held at a Casino, and after the dinner we were out in the main casino area and he would openly notice other women and make the occasional comment. So I turned to him and said “I’m going to go home now, good night” and he asked me if I was feeling alright or if something was wrong and I looked right at him and said calmly but firmly “I am your date tonight. I don’t care if you notice other women, but to be so obvious about it right in front of me is really disrespectful.” He apologized and asked me to stay and when I said no, offered to drive me home. I said no again and took a cab home. 

He sent a message shortly after that apologizing again and asking me to please meet him for coffee the next day after work. I agreed (lol half because I liked him and half to give him a piece of my mind). And I told him that doing what he did was not only disrespectful, it was hurtful. I had looked forward to the evening with him, looked forward to being his date, had gone out of my way to try and look nice for his company Christmas party and him checking out the room so openly made me think he was insensitive and really just not that into me, looking around for something better. And I told him (and he confided in me later on in our relationship that this gutted him) that I had really liked him but that this was changing the way I felt toward him and that this wasn’t something I was okay with, perhaps we weren’t right for each other. 

And he said again he was sorry, he didn’t think of it being hurtful and I told him truthfully “Maybe no-one told you this before now, but it doesn’t mean they (any exes) were okay with it. Maybe a one or two were honestly fine with it and ogled other guys the same way, but most likely they weren’t okay with it (insert Cool Girl-like explanation), but were afraid to say so because they didn’t want to come off as jealous or insecure. But I’m secure enough to not give a rat’s ass if someone thinks I’m insecure or jealous. I think it’s disrespectful and I’m not wililng to be with someone who treats me like that.”

He was really remorseful and promised if I gave him another chance it wouldn’t happen again. To his credit, we’ve been together many years now and it’s never happened again, not once. He knew it was a dealbreaker for me and I meant what I said- but it’s important to do this early on in a relationship while it’s still relatively easy to walk away. I’m not saying we can’t notice other people, but to openly show it like that wasn’t something I could be okay with. Tell him you’re not okay with it Bee, asap. And firmly. And if he tries to invalidate your feelings- you tell him it’s about self-respect, that you’re not insecure enough to silently put up with something you’re not okay with. And if he can’t respect this, be done before you get too invested the relationship. 

ETA: Sorry for the ridiculous length of this post but I wanted to share my own experience. 

Post # 18
666 posts
Busy bee

This was always a pet peeve of mine with anyone I was dating.  With my current H, when we fisrt started dating, I thought that he was noticing hot girls a bit more than I’d like.

I told him, that while I understand it’s natural to look twice at someone that’s exceptionally good looking (I do it too), it comes across as disrespectful if the look is obvious enough that I can notice it.  I told him to look all he wants but at least do it discreetly.

It wasn’t a big problem to start with, but with him I told him early on what I liked and didn’t like.  We don’t have issues now that cause me to think he’s unnecessarily distracted by good looking women, but I know that of course he will notice them if they are there.

Post # 20
7126 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

My husband and I both notice attractive people around us and comment on their beauty to one another so noticing other attractive people isn’t an issue for me. But it sounds like your guy is doing the skeevy pointed stare at others without any kind of attempt to prevent you (or them) from noticing him doing it and that’s both disrespectful and problematic.

Like others have said- do not play cool girlfriend for him. You need to make your yeses and your nos clear to him. Granted, he should know better, but if you don’t say anything, you contribute to your own discomfort here.

Post # 21
46 posts

Don’t be afraid to tell him that you see what he’s doing and that it’s bullshit and totally disrespectful to you. I would not put up with that in a relationship.

Post # 22
55 posts
Worker bee

[comment deleted inappropriate use of sock puppet]

Post # 23
6310 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Not an amazing boyfriend in my book.

Post # 24
653 posts
Busy bee

I dated a guy like this.  He wouldn’t do it in public so much as on instagram.  Liking and commenting on other women’s selfies, etc.  His reaction when I brought it up was part of why I decided to end the relationship; he didn’t see anything wrong with it.  

I walked out on another man I was on a first date with.  Every time an attractive woman would pass the table, it was eyes on the boobs or eyes on the butt.  I called him out on it and left.  

Some men are just skeezy.  I would do one of two things:  Talk to your boyfriend about it, or bring it up whenever you notice it. Or both.  “I just saw you check her out.  Please don’t do that.”   If he doesn’t understand why you’re uncomfortable, he’s not the guy for you. 

Post # 25
271 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have a jealous bone in my body and I’m very easy going but this is f*cked up. It’s not a jealousy thing. This is incredibly disrespectful to you. It’s one thing if he’s doing it while he’s alone or just noticing someone attractive (we all notice that) but a double take while he’s with you? Hell no. 

Have a very serious conversation with him. If he does it again, do it to him. I’m not kidding. He may not understand why you’re hurt by his actions so let him get a taste of his own medicine. 

If he did it again even after a serious talk, I’d honestly just break it off. You don’t need that kind of bull crap. This is disrespectful and can cause severe insecurities in yourself and the relationship.

Post # 26
1162 posts
Bumble bee

It would absolute bother me, and not because of jealousy. That kind of behavior is disgusting. Women aren’t pieces of meat to be ogled. A man who has such a lack of respect for women that he blatantly stares at them constantly is a pig. Sure, every now and again an extremely beautiful person warrants a second glance. But not to the extent you’re describing. 

Post # 27
10605 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

If it bothers you, talk to him. 

Post # 28
70 posts
Worker bee

So I went for dinner with a guy I had been seeing and that evening a woman was seated at the table right next to us. She was alone at that point. My date noticed her and then again and again at a frequency of two stares per minute. I was so shocked I couldn’t react. I didn’t know whether I should say something to him (I wanted to, but her table was very close to ours so she would have heard it), then I thought in anger whether I should just walk away (but I was eating and wanted to finish the dinner, if nothing else I was hungry), but I was really unhappy with what he was doing. But I pretended I didn’t notice anything and carried on like nothing had happened. Although inside I was feeling pretty angry. Because I didn’t know how to address the issue without sounding insecure (yes, hands up, I was being the cool girl), I only brought it up a few days later when he was asking me out again. I said to him that I didn’t feel like going out with him again because the dinner made me feel uncomfortable and that I found his behaviour rude. He tried to brush it off with some nonsense excuse (‘It was very surprising to see someone like that in a place like that. She looked out of place and it was a refles because I’m very observant’ – those were his EXACT words. I mean what the hell? What does it mean? That she didn’t seem to belong to that place but I did? ).

Anyway, I personally think that this kind of behaviour cannot be ‘unlearned’, at the very best he may watch it in the future but I wouldn’t want to turn into a sniffer dog watching his every move in the future hoping that he won’t be eyeing up every remoterly attractive woman that he passes on the street. I feel it would grow my resentment towards him and make me feel more and more insecure and inadequate.

Post # 29
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Nope. That is ridiculously disrespectful. My ex husband used to do this to me, practically had his tongue hanging out, head swiveling around on his neck, to check out other women. It’s one of the things I looked for as a red flag when dating because it is so gross and disrespectful. 

Sure, you can notice someone who is attractive, but there should be no head swiveling going on.

You need to nip this in the bud ASAP if you want to prevent larger issues down the road. He may not know he’s doing it, but if he does and he dismisses your feelings on it, I’d highly suggest moving on. It’s just not worth dealing with, despite any other good qualities he does have.

Post # 30
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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newgirldee :  He sounds like a jerk… Tell him off because it’s unacceptable and like hikingbride said i would DUMP HIM! the fact its not the first time he has done this… 

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