(Closed) My boyfriend is defending his previous marriage, and I don't understand why?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

Why do people continue to bash OP when she’s had 6 pages of the exact same reaction?  She gets it, people.  You’re SUPER clever and original.

She didn’t even do anything that bad – she assumed (wrong) and said a comment which she thought would add legitimacy to her relationship.  Yes, she sounds a bit immature in that moment, but not mean-spirited.

OP, I get why you said what you said.  You thought it would be something special only you and he have – but he didn’t share that view.  It’s okay.  And don’t feel bad he hasn’t proposed yet; you’re young and it sounds like he’s giving the relationship the time it needs.

Post # 107
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

The thread that should have been closed 7 pages ago.

How many ppl have to pile on before it’s no different than bullying?

Post # 108
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee

southerncharm :  Oh, please. No one is bullying. No one has said anything out of line. All of the posters have replied and given their opinion- pretty nicely, even. It’s not a pile on simply because OP hadn’t responded- she wanted opinions and she’s getting them. Lets not diminish actually bullying, please. 

Post # 109
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

ClaudiaKishi :  I beg to differ.  She said a single comment to her fiance, which he laughed off, and in one page for example: she’s obsessed, she’s offensive, she’s rude, “holy shit you’re insane”, “get a grip”, “get over yourself”, she’s insecure, she’s insecure, she’s insecure, she’s ridiculous, she’s not ready to be anyone’s wife or a stepmother, etc.

It’s way too much for the single post OP has made here about a way to look at their future wedding.

Post # 110
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee

SaraJeanQ :  It’s obviously more than a single comment, it’s her whole attitude surrounding it. She actually feels like he’s trying to take away her happiness by not agreeing with her that his first marriage wasn’t real. She wants him to deny his past feelings and experiences to make herself feel better about being the 2nd wife. That’s not insecure, ridiculous and immature?

Post # 111
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

ClaudiaKishi :  I don’t find it utterly ridiculous, no.  I said myself she was wrong and had an immature moment, but perhaps 1-2 pages of comments saying the same thing is enough.  Some of the latter ones are just ridiculous in the seriousness of their response, imo.  She wanted her boyfriend to share that their wedding would be special for this wedding – he didn’t share that view and corrected her (rightly) – it’s not offensive or crude or proof that she’ll never be ready to be his wife.

Post # 112
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

SaraJeanQ :  Yeah the comments are overkill. I think it may be a litttle groupthink though. One person says she immature and gets a bunch of thumbs up and everyone else runs in to say the same thing.

 

Emotions are a funny thing. Sometimes we do have irrational feelings but that doesn’t mean we are overall horrible people. I think a lot of people got offended because a child was involved and they chose to feel as if the OP was crapping on the child’s existence. 

Post # 113
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

Ignore the haters. Anyone would feel at least a little insecure in the same situation. Your boyfriend wants credit for his prior marriage – in his eyes, he chose to marry her, and he had a child with her. It doesn’t mean that he values their past relationship over the one he has with you. If it makes you feel better, consider it your guyses first marriage since that is how the church views it. You cannot control his perspective on it but you can control your own. Stop living in the past and comparing, enjoy the relationship you have with him now and look forward to the future and marriage that you want, which will be different than his previous one! You’ve already outlasted his previous marriage/divorce!

Post # 114
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Sorry you lost me at “I get to be my boyfriends first “real” marriage.” He hasn’t even proposed to you. I was raised catholic and no. He married the mother of his child. Church or not, it wasn’t “fake”. Get that out of your head. He clearly also sees it as “real” as he has told you. All that matters is that THEY saw it as “real” and they did. He has been married, and has a child with another woman. Accept him as he is, with all of this baggage, or move on. Seriously. You will be his first… nothing. And in the end you will realize that’s not what’s important. You want to be his last. Firsts (sadly) rarely last.

Post # 115
Member
5224 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t know why this thread keeps going. 2 days and 8 pages later, and she hasn’t responded once. 

Post # 116
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You chose this man.  You can’t just expect that he will or can erase all of his past.  I’m sure he learned a lot from that marriage and don’t forget, he is a father.  By trying to minimize his previous marriage, you are minimizing all of his past experiences which is unfair.  Either you find someone else with a blank slate (No marriage, children) otherwise, let go of it and move the hell on.

Post # 117
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I wasn’t married in a church so does that mean my marriage isn’t real???? Seriously?? I was married outside in God’s beautiful creation!  I’m sorry ,but your disrespecting your boyfriend by saying his marriage wasn’t real. My husband was engaged before meeting me and I wasn’t like omg I’m not the first women he was engaged to. It is his past. You need to stop being insecure because if you don’t you will loose a great man. 

Post # 118
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

It takes maturity to accept that your boyfriend was married (really married) before, and that it just did not last. It is likely that they both made mistakes. You will do yourself no favors by trying to pretend it wasn’t real. I also think it says something good about him that he accepts his past and doesn’t dismiss it as “not real.”

Hopefully you can accept it as part of his past and what made him able to be the partner you’ve chosen. If not, I think you will have to move on. Worrying about this will only cause pain to everyone invovled.

Post # 119
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

My husband was engaged to another woman once upon a time, so I can understand why you might feel the way you feel. Does it hurt me to know that he was once willing to settle with someone else and that it ended badly? Of course. Does it feel weird knowing that he still has something from that relationship (he kept her ring and its still in a drawer somewhere)? Yeah. But ultimately I know that he wants me, he committed to me, amd he has something better than what he had before. 

That being said, I recently had someone tell me that our marriage is fake because we had a commitment ceremony that was blessed by an ordained minister and not a typical wedding with legal paperwork (we’re doing that at our big wedding/vow renewal later). And while I acknowledge and understand the fact that we are not legally married, it was still disrespectful for that person to say that because we still made those vows in front of witnesses. Regardless of religious beliefs or technicalities, your guy still once made those vows and tried to uphold them and nothing can change that. My husband realizes now that his past engagement was a huge mistake, but it wouldnt be okay for me to invalidate their relationship just because it didnt work out.

Post # 120
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

They were legally married; therefore, their marriage was real! If you can’t accept that he was married previously and has a child…then you need to dip out of this relationship. “First wife” doesn’t mean she’s better than you or anything. It seems that you have some insecurities that only you can fix.

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