(Closed) My boyfriend is scared to get married…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@jamielb:  I think you need to set a timeline and then stick to your guns. He doesn’t see the point in getting married? Did you not explain to him that if he gets orders, you won’t be able to go? Or that you have no insurance? *sigh*

I am not usually a fan of utimatums, but in this case you might need one. I’d say something like “I really don’t want to do this, but marriage is important to me because of X, Y, Z. I don’t want to pressure you and I realize that you’re scared because you’re surrounded by divorce, but that doesn’t mean it’ll happen to us. We have been dating for three years now and I think you should know by now if you want to be with me for life. I’m going to wait until X date and if you still haven’t proposed by then, I am going to walk – it just isn’t fair to me.”

You then have to stick to your guns. I am not sure that moving into the spare room is a good idea or will do anything but tick him off.

I guess in some ways I feel that if you have to force a guy to marry you, it won’t end well, but I suppose that each situation is different. If he’s a good guy, your relationship is ideal, and he just won’t put a ring on it, then maybe giving him an extra nudge is all that’s needed. If he isn’t the best boyfriend and you just want to marry him for the security and insurance and getting pregnant quickly then maybe it’s best to find someone who is excited to marry.

You didn’t mention his opinion on having kids quickly etc. I’d make sure that you figure out if that’s what he wants as well before you proceed.

Good luck!! I know this can’t be fun for you.

Post # 4
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Your reasons for wanting to marry him are all wrong, not once did you say you love him. 

Post # 7
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I can understand that pressure you feel, especially dating a military guy, because I am dating one myself.

However, it is important to note that a man that want to marry you will make it happen, no matter his occupation. My guy’s parents were divorced after 26 years of marriage, and it broke his heart, but when he met me, he did not use his parents’ divorce, his friend’s divorce, or some celebrity’s divorce as an excuse to not be with me. He is deploying soon, and it was his idea to look at rings and get engaged before that happened.

It might be that this man is not the right man for you. How does he treat you normally? I am not getting a sense that he views you as a special woman that deserves the stars. A man that has found the woman of his dreams will stop at nothing to make sure she is taken care of, and perhaps he told you that he is getting the ring at this sale because it’s what you wanted to hear.

You’ve told him your financial and religious concerns and he swept them under the rug…I’m not sure he really cares about your concerns and I think you deserve better. But that’s just my opinion. You deserve a man that’s excited to take you as his wife, Air Traffic Controller or not.

Post # 8
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m a firm believer that if he says he doesn’t want to get married (no matter what the reason) and he doesn’t want to follow a reasonable timeline, then take it as face value and just move on. Yes, it sucks. But love doesn’t always work out and there is not point in fighting for something that one of you is apathetic about. What kind of relationship would that be? 

Also, I think you moving in to the spare bedroom cuts off communication and is a bit of a low blow move. It doesn’t really prove a point except that you are willing to pitch a fit to get him to talk. If he cant be reasonable about discussing this serious issue that is important to you with you resorting to moving out of the bedroom, I think you have your answer. 

Post # 10
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I just didn’t get that vibe whilereading your original post, I got the impression that you wanted to push him into doing something he’s not comfortable with purely because you wanted the use of his medical insurance and your reproductive issue etc. Sorry but that’s just the impression I got. One more thing 1-1.5 year long engagement is about normal, what length of engagement would you actually prefer, 6 months? Just wondering. 

Post # 11
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Irish-bride:  Whoops just saw your March 2013 date. 

Post # 14
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@jamielb:  My ex (who was also military–Artillery) was just like that. He NEVER took me to a military ball, he didn’t tell anyone he was dating me for a long, long time, he didn’t go out of his way to make me feel special. I tried to justify it by saying, “Oh, well, it’s just his personality” or “Well, I’m just being selfish by wanting him to make me feel special.” I went out of my way a lot for him, and it wasn’t reciprocated.

But I want you to know that it’s not selfish of you to feel that way. You want a man that adores and respects you, and every person deserves that. You deserves a man that can’t wait to see your glowing face, to buy you flowers “just because,” to take you home for the first time because he wants everyone to see how magnificent you are because that’s what he sees when he looks at you.

Honestly when I left my ex, I didn’t think I would find someone like that, especially in the military. But he found me when I least expected it. I realized that if I stayed with my ex, I was settling for someone that wasn’t CRAZY about me. Don’t do that to yourself. You will KNOW that right man when you meet him. You’ll ask yourself how you ever dated anyone else.

Just know that this guy’s behavior will not change. It just won’t. He will not become the man of your dreams. Do what’s right for YOU. It will feel much better in the end. You will feel relieved.

Trust me. <3

Post # 16
Member
3104 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Set a timeline and stick to it. Don’t bring it up until you’ve reached the agreed upon date. He ha heard you & knows what you want. You don’t want to nag him into a proposal. And sleeping in another room will not solve anything. Enjoy him & your relationship and live a bit in the moment. 

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