(Closed) My boyfriend is so insistent about living together

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Have you voiced your concerns to him?

Post # 4
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@alohakay:  I was the one who insisted we live together before getting engaged.  My parents didn’t care.  Neither did his.  If they had cared, I wouldn’t have.

Post # 5
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

 I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to be engaged before moving in together. Moving in together is a big commitment too and being engaged shows that he’s committed to you.

Post # 6
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I wanted to live with my FI before getting engaged…we had talked about getting married and knew it would happen, so moving in together was the next natural step. It was nice to get our bearings before getting engaged.  My parents love my FI so they were fine with us living together, and I was also 24 when I moved in so it didn’t really matter what they thought anyway…

Post # 7
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@alohakay:  I think it depends a lot on the status of the relationship. Is he your boyfriend because neither of you are ready to make the commitment of marriage? Or are you basically sure you are getting married but just waiting for the ring?

If you are still casual and he’s insisting on living together before he proposes because he’s not sure he wants to make a commitment, then that seems like a problem. If you are very committed but just waiting to make the intention to marry ‘formal’ with a ring, then I don’t think it’s a huge problem.

During my first engagement/marriage, I remember thinking things ‘needed’ to be a certain way or go in a certain order for me to be happy. I’m divorced now. Just consider what your real reservations are about this arrangement and if it turns out they are guided by an arbitrary sense of what ‘should’ happen, then I personally wouldn’t choose that battle.

Post # 8
Member
1728 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I was with my now husband for 2 1/2 years when I moved in. We were living together just over a year when we got engaged, and then it was another 9 months before we married.

Seriously – it was one of the best decisions we ever made.

You’re going to get the ups and downsides of every possible perspective in this thread. His family was a little more disapproving than mine (mine made jokes, but that was about it – they saw it more as a step toward marriage). His grandmother felt the need to comment on it multiple times. I shrugged it off and after a few times, they gave up and shut up.

I can’t imagine getting engaged and having the stress of planning a wedding on top of figuring out the ins and outs of living together. The first few months of living together were rough. By the time we got engaged, I was relaxed – I knew what I was getting into. I did not have a big wedding – there were 55 folks, all in one venue, and the cost for everything, Honeymoon included, came in at under $7k. But it was still a little stressful planning it, and I’m glad that I moved one thing at a time out of the way.

The real question here is – what’s holding you back? It sounds like you’re in the preliminary stages of this conversation, so it’s normal to be taken aback, especially since you had a different vision of how things would go. I think it’s time to really explore this and talk about your expectations. He’s said “at least a year” – but what do you want? And I do suggest a cap on that – you don’t want to get into a situation where you agreed to “at least a year,” assuming you’d be engaged at the end of that timeframe.

I’d tell him how long you’re willing to live together. I wouldn’t threaten to break up at that point, but I would make it clear that after that date, you plan to move out. If he can’t give you a concrete timeframe, that’s a real problem. “At least” does not suffice. This changes depending on his situation – i.e., if he needs that time because he’s still in school or he’s working on getting a job. But only you can determine if his reasons for stalling are valid.

My husband and I agreed to a year timeframe when we moved in together. We discussed who would handle which bills, which chores, etc. I really think that helped us avoid a lot of the kinks that can come with first moving in together.

My parents were not happy about us living together before an engagement, but they realized he was a good guy and he was taking care of me. More than that, several others in our family had cohabited, so they saw it as a step toward marriage. They were more concerned about appealing to the family.

It was awkward when I first saw my husband’s family after we first moved in together. Initially, I was furious because his mother and grandmother decided they were going to ‘hide it’ from his grandpa. After a day or two, I told my husband that I wasn’t going to go along with their lie and be trapped omitting things about our life together around them. I wasn’t going to get into hot water for his family for talking about my *own* life around them. He agreed, spoke to them and they quickly told him. He took it very well.

I was a grown woman, and now I look back and laugh at how uncomfortable I was. By the second time seeing everyone after the move, everyone had moved on and no one cared anyway. And if either side had made a stink about it, we just wouldn’t be around much.

Post # 9
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My parents lived together before they got married, and they both told me (many times in the case of my mother) that they think very highly of cohabitating before marriage. They have been nothing but supportive throughout my relationship with my FI.

My FI and I moved in together after we’d been together for 17 months, although we made the decision and signed a lease several months before that.  We didn’t get engaged until we’d been living together for several years (we got engaged in January, and our 5-year anniversary was in March).

I LOVE living with my FI.  It has gone so well for us, and given us a real taste of what married life will be like.  Really, getting married will barely change our living situation.  We already have combined our finances and we plan on purchasing our first home before our wedding.

Post # 10
Member
8995 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I moved in with my boyfriend after 3 months of dating and moved 1,200 miles to do it. My parents were very supportive, although my mother didn’t really want me to move. My dad just joked he wanted to get rid of me. His parents were great and totally didn’t bat an eye.

We got engaged in October and were married in December.

If you want to live with him, do it. You always test drive a car before you buy it, right?

Post # 11
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@alohakay:  I would rather be engaged and then live together so I can understand where you are coming from. If he loves you I think he would eventually understand if you explained to him why you aren’t ready to move in. My parents are very religious so I won’t be moving in until we officially are married, so to ‘test out our relationship’ I sometimes stay over 2-3 nights a week in a seperate bedroom. We cook dinner and do household chores like a normal every day couple would do, we just don’t live together. Would you be open to trying this?

Post # 12
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Living together was right for us, but I can see how it wouldn’t be right for everyone. I am thankful I lived with my previous boyfriend because I was able to learn a lot about him and myself which ultimately helped me see that we were not compatible. If we had been engaged first, the expectation might have put unnecessary pressure on me to make it work, when I knew it wasn’t right. I was also very young 19-20.

 When considering whether it’s right to live together I think it’s smart not only to consider your beliefs about the direction of the relationship/engagement, but to also consider practical factors like finances, maturity, goals in life, ength of relationship, living space, habits, commutes, and availability to individual social circles.

Post # 13
Member
3754 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I told my FI to please not propose until we had lived together for 6 months. I think he proposed 6 months on the day haha !

Post # 14
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I didn’t want to get married or engaged with out living together.  Living together is so much different than dating and just spending the night.  I needed to know before committing myself that we both had the same values when it came to running a houseshold, sharing the chores, etc etc.  We dated for 2 years, then lived together for 3 and then got engaged.  Looking back, people ask me if i was ansty for a proposal, but i wasn’t. I was nervous! I wanted to feel 100% sure and I didn’t mind taking the time to just live day to day to find that assurance.  

Post # 15
Member
4664 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would never marry someone I hadn’t lived with for awhile first. I just don’t think you can get the same 100% view perspective any other way. When you have to share a bathroom, a bed, a TV, a kitchen sink, all of your belongings and food, day in and day out, you learn more by accident than someone could ever tell you on purpose no matter how honest and open they were.

Think about all the people who are BFFs for YEARS – they think they know everything about their friend, and nothing could ever hurt them – and then move in and become roommates and hate each other by the end of their lease. It could happen to an SO too! Granted the bar is usually a lot lower for SOs, but still. 

Point is, to me, and probably your boyfriend, it’s a very important step BEFORE committing to marry.

My parents didn’t care, my dad helped me move my stuff. His mom is religious and was upset, but we didn’t see that as a reason to reconsider.

Post # 16
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@alohakay:  Obviously, only you and your SO can decide how you will resolve this issue.  However, as someone who personally does not believe in the concept of couples cohabitating until after marriage and who has read a LOT of WB threads from bees who really want to be engaged or married in the near term whose SOs seem perfectly content to just live together without taking those steps, I encourage you to think carefully about what you want from your relationship prior to agreeing to live together.

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