My boyfriend Keeping Saying He Wants to Marry Me but Hasn't Proposed. Why?

posted 1 year ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

Do you two have full conversations about expectations in life together? Its okay for you to ask when.. its your life too. 
is he randomly just bringing up this?

Post # 3
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

The next time he says he wants to marry you say, “Fine. When?” And there you are: engaged.

Post # 4
Member
4710 posts
Honey bee

Don’t wait for him. Discuss it with him. Actively participate in planning your future.

Post # 5
Member
2956 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@beachesandyarns:  Because words are cheap. Based on your ages and length of relationship he knows you’re ready for marriage and you’re starting to wonder why your relationship isn’t moving forward. He hopes by talking about it frequently that you’ll think you’re on the same page and he can delay and stall you. 

Post # 6
Member
4798 posts
Honey bee

Why are you asking strangers on the internet instead of asking him why he hasn’t proposed?

If you can’t have a open discussion about your future, you shouldn’t be getting married.

Post # 7
Member
2248 posts
Buzzing bee

In my experience, including being with someone in his mid-30s who was commitment phobic and being with my now husband, if a man hasn’t asked you to marry him – it’s because he doesn’t want to marry you.

Post # 8
Member
3052 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
@krm1984:  This

View original reply
@beachesandyarns:  talk is cheap.  Actions (lack of) tell the real story.  Stop giving your power over to him.  This is YOUR life. Discuss TONIGHT if you can start planning a wedding.  You want to marry him. He *claims* he wants to marry you.  If so,  you’re engaged. 

If he balks, delays, makes excuses,  I would start the moving out process immediately.

Post # 9
Member
8015 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you’re not comfortable enough with him to directly ask him this question you shouldn’t be marrying him. 

Post # 12
Member
789 posts
Busy bee

You help yourself by having clear and open communication. 

“Partner, I love you and care about you. We’ve talked about marriage and I am so excited to be your wife. It seems like we havent moved forward on this. Id like to be engaged in the next X months/weeks. Does that sound right for you?”

See what his timeline is, and does it match yours. You “dont allow” him to do things to you by taking an active role in your relationship. Talk, assess your mutual goals, and if his timeline doesnt meet yours – say so. If you cant agree, then walk away and find someone who shares your timeline.

Post # 13
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
@mg8301:  exactly this. You talk to him ASAP and you say, “we have been talking about getting engaged for 1 and a half years. I’d like a timeline for when thats going to happen. I’d like us to be engaged by September, how does that sound?” 

If he says no you say, “ok so what’s a good compromise on a timeline? When do you want to be engaged by?” 
If he refuses to set a timeline then you say, “I’m not willing to continue for another year or 2 with no progress and no engagement. I need a timeline or I am going to have to really think about if this relationship is meeting my needs or not” 

Post # 14
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

You say he’s been saying this for a year and a half, but you’ve only been together two years.

That’s a normal relationship length to not be engaged in my experience. I think he deserves a little more time, maybe six months at least.

If you don’t have actionable steps at that point, bounce.

Post # 15
Member
2035 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

We’ve had some bees in similar situations tell us that their SO’s had no idea that their vague wording and their “picture painting” were having such a negative affect on the OP’s.  They were serious about marriage but their extremely poor communication was causing the exact opposite of their intent.  We’ve also had bees (the majority) where their SO would “picture paint” and talk about marriage but in reality weren’t serious and simply were content to lead the OP along.  Poor communication also facilitates that scenario.

So what you need to do first is get clear on exactly what you want, how long you’re willing to wait for it and whether or not you’re willing to walk away if you and he are not on the same page.  Then have a talk with him about timelines……specific timelines.  “One day/Some day” and other vague replies should not be acceptable to you.  You and he should agree to a concrete timeline and you should be clear and serious about the consequences should that agreement be violated.  Afterwards you do an occasional “check-in” to make sure you and he are still on the same page.

You have every right to want to know what your future holds.  Its not solely in his hands to decide that.  Your future is YOUR responsibility, his future is his and you both need to decide on whether your future together is something you both want.  Good luck

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