(Closed) My boyfriend talks about his good-looking exes but I don’t know why

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Honestly, my take is that his ego is quite fragile and he uses beautiful women to boost himself up.  He loves the fact that other men covet what he has.  I’d be very careful about marrying him because once you aren’t enough (in his mind) to turn heads, you might not be worth it anymore.  If you don’t mind me asking – why did his first marriage and subsequent relatioship end?  I know you mentioned something about HER self esteem issues being in the way, but, if I can be frank here, I’m wondering if he made the same sorts of comments to her and it began to wear away at her.  Or, maybe she gained 10 lbs and he made comments to her while talking about the beauty of his exes…?

Post # 4
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Sounds like he’s a little insecure–and he thinks that by talking about how hot his exes are, it’ll make him seem more desirable in your eyes.  If I were you, I’d tell him I don’t really want or need to hear how hot the women he used to hook up with are, and maybe he should just keep it to himself and focus on talking about how hot you are.

Post # 5
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

You should definitely stop asking. I know its tempting, but if the information isn’t truly crucial to your relationship, all it is going to do is bother you.

I agree with the others that if he is offering this, its because he is probably insecure. I’d also ask him to stop talking about them. If he doesn’t stop, then he could also just be a jerk (I dated a couple of boys like this) who enjoys seeing you dance for attention, but I won’t say that he is yet so you can give him time to stop. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with what both PPs have said – he sounds insecure and it does sound a bit boastful that “only hot women” would talk to him. How would he feel if you mentioned how often you turned heads? Or how attractive the past men in your life were? He’d probably be jealous. I think he’s got some insecurity and jealousy that you’ll want to stay aware of. It can be ugly or it can just be a small part of him that you are noticing.

I’d say something. Tell him you find it odd that he needs to comment on the attractiveness of others, past or present. I wouldn’t make it a huge confrontation, but I’d DEFINITELY mention it.

Post # 7
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s definitely up to you on if you can deal with this or not, but it sounds like he’s either very insecure like PPs said or that he puts way too much emphasis on appearances. Both would make me leery of continuing a relationship with this guy. 

Post # 8
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

On the flipside, he could have good intentions. He could be trying to say, I’ve never been with someone less than an 8, and trying to make you feel like “hey, I’m an 8+!” but he’s saying it in an ass-backwards manner.

Nonetheless, the other posters may be right. But he could just be the typical man who isn’t able to verbalize what he’s really trying to say.

Personally, I’ve always just needed to know the bare minimum of past relationships. Sex and stuff is never something I’ve wanted to hear about unless it’s actually a pressing issue! 

Post # 11
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Brigadoon303: After reading that last detail, that just sounds annoying on so many levels!!!

Post # 13
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Brigadoon303:Some things are better left unsaid. He is overcompensating for something.

Post # 14
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

He is extremly insecure and superficial and wants to bring you down to his level of insecurity by making you feel threatened by his exes.  This is so textbook psychology stuff how can you not know that??  He has a lot of growing up to do. I would never consider marrying anyone who brought me down by bringing up hot exes instead of building me up and making me feel like I’m the only girl in his world.  That’s what you deserve!

I know it’s common to talk about “the exes” from time to time when in a fairly  new relationship.  It’s even a little common to fib or exaggerate maybe once or twice to impress or make the person you’re dating realize “oh wow i’ve got a special person!” but there has to be a point where you just knock it off and stop playing games.  When it becomes a chronic thing, you have to realize that he is trying to bring you down to his level.  I have some pretty crazy stories from an ex that I’ve casually shared with my husband or friends (was more about the story than the ex, he just happened to be a part of it) but I would never make comments about how hot my ex was or how every chick wanted him. It’s tacky and there is no reason for it other than to make you feel threatened and insecure and that’s the bottom line.  I bet he was just as bad (if not worse) as his ex wife lol

I know what I just said might upset you but seriously, open your eyes.  If you truly have a hunch that he’s a good guy and is really into you, then ok..give him a chance but you have to address this immediately.  Put him on the spot and form it into a question (but stay calm).  Make him have to answer to you.  “You seem to comment on your exes and their good looks A LOT to me, why is that?”  or just flat out say, “Are you really over your exes?  You really seem to hold them and your memories of them close to you because you talk about them a lot”  stuff like that.

Good luck.

 

Post # 15
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Brigadoon303: I might ask him why he needs to have a hot woman around?  Why does he seem to define himself by how hot the woman he is with?  I think talking about exes is important to a certain extent – it helps me get to know the person I am with now – why they broke up, etc, etc.  However, this is different.  It’s like he’s telling you what a wonderful catch he is – you should be lucky to be with him…I mean, he said so, right? Please get to the bottom of this insecurity because I promise that it is one that will lead to bad places.  I’m also interested in other aspects of your relationship though – you say you guys have a good relationship – what are the things that make it good? (Just wondering to get a bigger perspective).

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