Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half, and living together for a year. We are both 24 and work the same hours during the week 7:30am-4:30pm. We have very different nightly routines, as he takes certain medications in order to fall and stay asleep. So usually about 2 hours before he plans on going to bed, he takes his pills and then goes downstairs and plays his xbox. During this time, I usually watch a show or two on TV and then head off to bed. Whether I go to bed 15 minutes before him, or an hour and a half, 90% of the time when he comes to bed he wakes me up. I am a light sleeper yes, but I would never have an issue if I woke up when he was getting into bed, or if he tripped over something. He always either comes in to the room loudly whispering “F**k Yeah” or muttering some obscenities under his breath. Or he will come in and try and put his hand down my pants when I’m sleeping, (I don’t like being touched at all when I’m sleeping.) He has basically conditioned me to hate his touch when I’m sleeping, so cuddling is never an option. In the case of last night, he came into bed and started making sounds like a Russian porn star. I was especially pissed last night, because we had his 2 year old son all weekend, so we didn’t get a lot of sleep and I was the one taking care of him all weekend. I also gave my boyfriend a massage before he went down to play xbox, so I was very nice to him this weekend, so in my mind there was no reason for him to be a jerk. To top it all off, I am currently dying of the common cold. So I’m extra tired as it is, and it’s really hard for me to fall asleep in a position that I can breathe. He was aware of all of this, and I even texted him before I went to bed “Please be quiet when you come to bed, I love you.” But no, about an hour and a half later he comes in and does that. So I’m wide awake and I am livid. So after about a half an hour of me demanding an explanation of why he does this to me every night, he went to the couch. He has promised me countless times that he isn’t going to harrass me at night anymore, but he always denies that he does it. It’s so fusterating. I have contemplated just buying myself a bed and putting it in the spare room, but that doesn’t seem like a healthy choice for our relationship either. I just want to sleep.
Post # 2
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who tries to do anything sexual to me while I’m sleeping. That is sexual assault.
Really the only way to get him to stop would be for him to respect you, which he clearly doesn’t. I would be rethinking the relationship. At the very least, I wouldn’t let him get into bed with me if he can’t be respectful. He can sleep on the couch every time he wakes you up, maybe when it’s an inconvenience to him he will care.
Post # 3
What? Is his sleep medication rendering him incapable of being quiet? I don’t understand why a grown man would be making such inappropriate noise.
Post # 4
Is he aware he’s doing this? Some sleep medications cause amnesia… Like ambien and sublinox. Some like mirapex can cause impulsive behaviours. If he is aware and won’t knock it off I would lock the door and let him sleep in another room until he figures it out. If he touches you again after you’ve told him no I would be seriously reconsidering if this is a good relationship.
Post # 5
Okay, aside from your line about the common cold (which made me laugh) the rest of your post left me feeling both sad and angry for you.
I thought by title this might be about him waking up earlier than you & his alarm or his getting ready disturbing you. That is an annoyance (and I say that as person who gets up early in morning). But this is terrible.
There is absolutely no reason you should have ever had to ask your boyfriend to be respectful of you – and your body – more than once (and uh, frankly, once is pushing it and unecessary in my experience).
Honestly, not only is his behaviour disrespectful to your feelings and bodily autonomy, it is, quite frankly, sexual assault (hand down your pants when you have told him NO to that while you are sleeping) and creepy. I would not stay with a man who was like this, sorry bee. He does not respect you, or your autonomy.
We are incredibly vulnerable during sleep – I would not want to be with someone who did not respect that OR my feelings. How hard is it to not come in swearing, making creepy porn noises, or sticking a hand down your pants. Apparently for him VERY because he does not give a damn how you feel about it.
Post # 6
How is your relationship otherwise? to me this is a red flag in a relationship. You may want to reflect on if this is someone you want to be with.
if you feel that everything else is fine, and this is somehow out of his control, my suggestion would be to change your schedules and go to bed at the same time. He takes his medication earlier, and you two go to bed together, ar the exact same time.
Post # 7
What the heck? He sexually assults you OFTEN and you are worried about him waking you up?!?!?!!! Are you serious. Him touching you when you are alseep when you have told him not to and you don’t like it , is abuse.
Post # 8
I hope you feel better, I just had a cold and it feels miserable when you can’t breathe properly, especially when going to sleep.
Or he will come in and try and put his hand down my pants when I’m sleeping, (I don’t like being touched at all when I’m sleeping.) He has basically conditioned me to hate his touch when I’m sleeping, so cuddling is never an option. This is EXTREMELY alarming and concerns me, for your sake. Someone who truly loves and respects you would not and SHOULD NOT be touching you like this while unconcious, ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU HAVE TOLD HIM NOT TO. That is a complete violation of your body.
I sleep in a full sized bed with my Fiance, and I am very sensitive while sleeping. He often will want to cuddle, I will for awhile and he becomes too warm (and it is a small bed) so I tell him to move away, and he does. Often he is sad (because he enjoys being close) but he respects me and moves away.
If you have asked your boyfriend to respect you by not touching you, or disturbing you by coming in to the bedroom cursing or making other bigger disturbances, and he has not done so, I would truly think about what is keeping you with him. It shows a lack of respect, as his actions say “Your needs are secondary to mine. I don’t care that you are uncomfortable. I don’t care if my actions take something away from you – needed sleep, feeling safe and comfortable, etc.”
That may sound extreme but a human’s most basic need outside of food is safety. If you cannot feel safe and respected, this is a sign to get out of the relationship.
You should not have to “demand an explanation” of why he does this. and for 30 minutes!?! He doesn’t get to have an explanation, there is nothing to justify this behavior that would be acceptable to me.
I am concerned about how he treats you in other times of conflict or in other areas of your life.
Post # 9
That was my first thought that the sleep meds were doing something to him, especially since he denies doing it. I’ve known people to have some pretty weird reactions to taking sleep meds and then staying up (as it seems the OP’s SO is doing). I just seems strange that he can’t stop this behavior and even denies doing it.
If he is fully aware and just refuses to stop, then obviously there is a problem there.
Post # 10
- Wedding: February 2017 - Edson Keith Mansion
Is he taking ambien? There are certian medications, like ambien, that he basically wouldn’t even know that he is doing this stuff. With most sleep aids you’re also supposed to take them and go to bed almost immediately…so maybe all ne needs to do is wait until he’s about to go to sleep and then take it? Or go to bed at the same time as you? He might want to talk to a doctor about switching to something else.
I used to take ambien occasionally and annoy my Fiance endlessly, all while I thought I was asleep. Once it started interfering with HIS sleep, we knew it was time for a switch. I take trazodone when necessary now and I’ve had way less side effects.
Post # 11
How old is this man-child? And why in the world are you the one caring for his son instead of him?
Post # 12
Holy flip, your boyfriend sounds like a massive ass! I can’t believe he tries to touch you when you’re asleep. OP, that’s disgusting. You poor thing. Please rethink this relationship. Not only does he sexually assault you, he sounds disrespectful, rude, and like he couldn’t give a shit about your feelings. It’s a shame he sounds like a poor excuse for a father too. You can do soo much better! It sounds like it’s time to call it a day.
Post # 13
Uhhhhh. He sounds pretty annoying. I don’t think I could deal with someone who ignored my constant/repeated request for something so reasonable. Also, touching my lady parts when I’m sleeping is…. doing it without consent. I don’t give a shit if I’m married. You don’t handle the bits without a green light. I’d be moving on.
Post # 14
Does he take ambien? I’ve heard of people doing some weird shit on that. If so he should be taking it and going to bed right away I think.
Post # 15
He takes Remron, which is generally used as an antidepressant. But paired with Gabopentin, it seems to allow him to sleep. He has been on ambien before, but I guess it didn’t really work for him. I have wondered if the meds cause these problems, because he it literally like Dr. Jaeckle and Mr. Hyde. He isn’t perfect by any means, but the biggest problem in our relationship is bed time. He will be completely fine all day, even extra nice. But then come bed time he will be a total Ahole.