- 5 years ago
Welp, time to be anonymous. This is going to be a long one. Preview: jail, stalking, restraining orders, ex-girlfriend, secrets….
My boyfriend of just over a year is currently in jail and when I asked, the lady at the sheriff’s office said he was taken in on charges of harrassment and stalking. Absolutely shoking, this is NOT the type of guy he is. It must be a mistake! To find out more, I seached online to see if there was a report and stumbled across a RESTRAINING ORDER against him from 6 months ago. Filed by his ex. He was arrested today because he violated the order and must have shown up at her house while I thought he was at work. I had no idea any of this was going on.
It said that he has been trying to contact her numerous times and had shown up at her home before, while we were together. Obviously she didn’t appreciate it. My boyfriend is a single father, divorced for quite a few years. The ex in question isn’t the ex-wife, it’s an ex-girlfriend he was in a relationship with for a couple years right before we met (we met 2 weeks after his breakup).
Bit of backrgound about him:
He suffers from severe attachment trauma from his childhood (because of his mother and father) and of course his divorce. From what I understand, this ex-girlfriend treated him poorly and it re-triggered his trauma, for which he has sought therapy (which he currently isn’t in because of a health insurance switch). He has told me about every friend and and loved one he has lost throughout all these events in his life. He wakes up many nights yelling in anguish at the people who have abandoned him. It has taken a toll on him. This ex of his pretty much treated him / abandoned the relationship in a horrible way. He gets lots of anxiety if something about her comes up in conversation, and when I stumbled across forgotten photos on a memory stick of her he couldn’t even be in the same room and had me delete them for him. Curious…
Bees, to imagine how I feel, picture your beloved, loyal boyfriend/husband being arrested for this and having a secret restraining order. That’s the equivalent shock I feel, and it hurts my heart because I love him with every fiber of my being. I’ve had no way to speak with him since the arrest, I received a voicemail from the jail and that’s it. He is 30, I am 25. He has always been very honest with me, even about things that are uncomfortable to talk about, so this is not usual for him.
I immediately went through all his files, papers, belongings, everything I could get my hands on to look for clues or patterns of a possible infatuation with this woman, or anything like that. Nothing. He has never hidden his emails or facebook from me, and has always let me look over his shoulder. He uses his phone in plain sight, never makes / receives odd texts, rarely socializes unless we are together, and I even use his phone a lot. His behavior has never changed. We are together, like, 24/7.
My heart is pounding. My glass-half-empty, emotional thoughts are:he is a liar who played me for a fool the whole time we are together so he could get back with his ex. He loves her more than me. He wishes he was with her instead and is just using me in the meantime. He must have been laughing to himself the entire time, thinking how clever he was. He can’t get over her.
My glass-half-full, rational thoughts are: this could be a desperate attempt for him to gain closure as to why she left him. He never got closure from his mother’s or father’s or ex-wife’s abandonment, hence the depression and nightmares. Perhaps he hid these attempts to contact the ex-gf from me because he is ashamed / scared to bring it up to me, for fear of how I would react. I treat him better than anyone else ever has, and I love him dearly, and it’s possibly he fears losing me if I knew about the restraining order. I really hope these are the reasons, as I can imagine not wanting my significant other to know somethign so horrible about me either. He has no history or patterns of this type of behavior, and there have been no red flags.
Here’s my plan of action for when I get to contact him again: I cannot let my emotions control how I confront him. That wouldn’t be productive. I will be calm but assertive about how this has made me feel. I will guard my heart and defend my wellbeing. If I feel his intentions were dirty and cheating, I will leave him. If I somehow feel that this is all a big mistake and he has no ill intentions with his ex, I will demand that he work to rebuild the trust (cause the trust is certainly gone.) Passwords to everything, access to phone and laptop, no socializing without me around for a while, and maybe I’ll even track his whereabouts to ensure he’s where he says it is. He will have to earn the trust back and make changes, because I didn’t deserve this.
So bees, I welcome advice. I desperately want advice on how to remain calm and collected so I can have a productive conversation with him and get real answers without breaking down into tears and starting a fight. Obviously none of us can say for sure what’s really going on yet, so I’m really looking for a guide on how to navigate this mess till I find out the truth. Has anyone been through any of this, or kept hurtful secrets or had them kept from you? Thank you bees.