(Closed) My boyfriend was arrested for stalking and harrassment

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Also, even assuming the order was granted because your bf lost his temper just one time and the judge was sympathetic to the applicant, a responsible adult would follow the order because of concern for the consequences, and also because they don’t want to be around that person who is clearly toxic for them. Even trying to find the facts most favorable to your bf, it is not looking good.

Post # 47
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Spare yourself a lot of future pain and grief and leave him now.

You were already in therapy because of his issues. Now this. None of it is healthy or normal.

Be smart. At 25 y/o you have a lot of choices. Don’t settle for someone unstable that you cannot trust.

Post # 48
Member
11746 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not your fault that you bought his story, but it might help to know that           stalkers and abusters often have a tale of woe about how they’ve been mistreated and misunderstood by everyone in the past, cheated on and dumped. It’s enough to break your heart….

until they show up at your door with a gun. (This happend to my friend with a guy who was just so sweet and had been dumped by a cruel ex, etc fill in the blanks.) 

See where I’m going?  Get out now while he’s locked away. there is always time later to reconcile if this was all a misunderstanding. But I highly doubt that, I’m sorry to say. Restraining orders aren’t just given out for no reason, and what kind of person stalks someone over ” closure”? A stalker. Yep. That is what my friend’s stalker told all of her friends. He’d get over it of she would just meet him for closure,which she did, and then that wasn’t enough closure. 

Good luck.

Post # 49
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

wtf. no. leave him. he’s a lying, conniving little bitch and you deserve someone who won’t hide secrets from you. 

Post # 50
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

also, if you’re a regular bee, there is a reason you went anonymous for this post. i think because deep down you know the relationship is over. what these ladies above me have said are really thought-provoking. what if you stayed with him and then later broke up? he might just possibly show up at your front door with a gun to your head. he might follow you instead and start stalking YOU! is that really worth it? he just doesn’t seem mentally stable to hold a healthy relationship. that’s just my 2 cents.

Post # 51
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

First let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this. You are now a new victim.

Even if you choose to stay, you now have a new out look on this relationship that requires constant supervision and a strenuous amount mental effort that you will working on the rest of your relationship together. You won’t magically wake up and say “We worked on this, I trust him now. He won’t do this again”

Please don’t blame the ex for “stirring” up his past traumas! She is a victim! She probably left because she say a lot of red flags in their relationship and decided to not stick around. He fed you that line because he is obsessed with her and needs that excuse for himself to stalk her. Just because he went to jail does not mean he will forget her or stop obsessing over her. Stalkers tend to get arrested many times over because they are not thinking rationally. Obviously the restraining order did not help her because he chooses to not follow the law. He has a compulsion with this person that is going to require serious therapy hopefully required by the court.

This may be some insight for you to know what his ex may be experiencing—

I have once been the victim of a stalker. He followed me everywhere, always drove by my house, left me hundreds of phone calls,  hundreds of threatening emails, drop by my work, and would laugh if i told him to leave me alone. I lived in constant fear! This went on for months. I cried, I lost weight, I never left my house. I had no life. Do you know how hard it is to get a restraining order? HARD. I couldn’t prove to the court that those threats on emails were him. Everytime I called the cops when he would drive by they would be too late and he was already “gone” My coworkers would call the cops if he came to my work but he would leave if he saw them dialing. He made my life hell and there was nothing the cops could do. Finially he left me a voicemail saying he would come to my house and cut my throat. Since it was a recorded threat from his phone number I finally caught the bastard. That is when I got my first restraing order after months of dealing with him. Oh and I am sure he has fed his new wife a whole string of lies about how I broke his heart and “stirred” up his past traumas too. 

I live in a new state and changed email accounts, new number, and my social media is very, very private. My old friends from back home tells me he still asks about me and he found out I got married, knows who my husband is, and has even has his mother call my mother to “check” up on me and to let me know their is no hard feelings. So yeah, he is married now and is still creeping me.

Sorry I made this so long but I want to warn you that what he is doing is a very serious and dangerous problem. People don’t get arrested for nothing. I would suggest you leave him but I know you love him and it may seem harder to act on that. Please seek some therapy for yourself  to deal with what he is doing to you. Find solid support through family and friends to help you through this.

Best of luck OP!

 

Post # 52
Member
1544 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Oh man… I hope everything works out, but personally i wouldnt stay if he doesnt get therapy :/

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  FlorindaGrau.
Post # 53
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

ThrowawayAccount:  I’m sorry this is happening to you. I however, don’t agree with your plan of action… Seems wrong to tracks someone, are you thinking gps or stalking him? Idk, I think your plan of action should involve some time apart to rethink this, and counceling to salvage the trust.

Post # 54
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

“I keep thinking there must be something I’m missing, some horrid mistake that’s been made and that he’s not really like this.”<br />

Yeah, there is something you are missing–he is a severly damaged individual who has been manipulating you into thinking he is “normal”. The reason you dont/cant see it is because you have this image of who he is that is very, very different from who he *really* is. Quit trying to fit what he’s done into the image you have of him. Take a step back and form a new image of who he really is. 

This man is dangerous, please talk to a professional about how to deal with leaving this man…

Post # 55
Member
5225 posts
Bee Keeper

ThrowawayAccount:  Sorry OP, this is all I saw through your entire post. What I find scariest of all is that it sounds like you are actually considering staying with him. This man has serious emotional problems that you are not going to be able to fix. The best thing you can do is move on and hope that he doesn’t do the same to you. 

 

Post # 56
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

For some reason I am reminded of the scene in the Beatles movie Help! where the female lead is dancing with Paul McCartney and telling him that the Beatles need to “flee!”

Please flee.  This is a really dangerous situation.  Please flee.

Post # 57
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You can’t fix him.

He is dangerous, people who are not a threat do not have restraining orders against them. Restraining orders are not handed out willy nilly to anyone who wants one, his ex was granted one because he was a legitimate threat to her.

The fact that he broke it AND the police became involved implies that he is not as wrongfully profiled as you seem to think he is, he’s dangerous and she was scared. A lot of people have attachment issues, a lot of people have trauma.. They don’t stalk their exes and violate court orders.

Post # 58
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Everyone has “something” in their past that affects them in negative ways. Some people have more numerous and more serious “somethings” than others, but the bottom line is that once a person reaches adult hood he can either choose to be owned by it forever and use it as an excuse for poor behavior, or he can choose to work at rising above it. The worse the trauma, the harder he should be working at it….not the worse he should be allowed to behave and cite the trauma as an excuse. It’s clear which of these two routes this guy has chosen to take.

I wouldn’t attend the hearing…he’s already been informed of the severity of his actions by a judge and by the state law…do you really think anything you, the woman he’s blatantly and knowingly hid all of this from, have to say is going to change anything? It’s already very clear just how much he respects you.

In some states, RO filings are public. I’d really encourage you to see if you can get a hold of the affidavit or supporting reports to find out the real reasons why a judge found cause for imminent threat of bodily harm or death, which is the typical standard that must be met in order for a judge to issue an RO. 

Whether it’s his fault or not for being traumatized, the outcome and impact on you when choosing to be his partner will still be the same. Life is hard enough, don’t choose someone hard to live it with.

Post # 59
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Conversation:

You: Darling, why were you risking jail time and our relationship by stalking/terrifying your ex for the first six months of our relationship? You know I’ve been in therapy to help me help you until you decide to actually help yourself.

Him: She’s a lying crazy bitch.

You: What should I do?

Him: It’s not you, it’s me, I have a lot of issues and I pinky swear that I’ll work on them. Someday.

You: I don’t think I can handle this. I’m leaving.

Him: You are also a crazy bitch for abandoning me when you know I’m wounded.

You: 911…

Post # 60
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

He has severe emotional issues about abandonment (waking up shouting?). You shouldn’t be holding out hope that it’s all some misunderstanding. It seems to fit more than anything. Leave.

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