(Closed) My boyfriend was arrested for stalking and harrassment

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 76
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Loft

ThrowawayAccount:  I’m sorry but I am going to be honest. I think your boyfriend is extremely manipulative. I think he knows how to play up the victim card. Additionally, I worry for your safety. You are worth more than that. How could you be with someone who’s thoughts are filled with another person?

Also it reminds me of a crime that I heard of where a womans husband abused her so severly that in her dying days she chose not to flee even though she had ample opportunity because she didn’t want her husband to get in trouble because she felt bad for him and the hardships he experienced in his life as an adopted child in and out of the system. Meanwhile she died on a mattress pad in her basement, of blood poisoning from multiple infected wounds after being shot repetedly with a bebegun at close range. It is graphic but it is also true. Abuse manifests in many ways. I would be cutting off all contact immediately and relocating.


Post # 77
3038 posts
Sugar bee

ThrowawayAccount:  You need to listen to me.

I went through almost THE EXACT thing (it is crazy reading the comparisons!)

I met this guy who was so thoughtful, funny, no games about his feelings for me (i was 18 so it was a shock to have a guy say “i want to be with you” right away). I tried to just be friends for a while as he had a complicated situation (recently broke up with his ex gf who just had his baby), but i fell hard.

Several months into our relationship (me thinking that the crazy ex-GF was just being a bitch) there was a restraining order filed him against him. I believed all the silly things he said about him just trying to see his daughter and we got over it. A few months after that he was arrested.

we worked at the same location, so think of how embarrassing it was to get a call from my work that he had been arrested for violation of his restraining order! It was because of an email (but he later admitted he showed up one time to her work as well) saying he was sorry and he missed her and just wanted to see his daughter, didn’t know what a good thing he had etc etc.

Needless to say, i was pissed. Right then and there i should have left. But he manipulated me. He had messed up parents and abuse in his past which he was forced to go to counciling for as a child. I ate up all his excuses about his past trauma and trust issues and how he was only sweet talking her to see his daughter.

Biggest mistake of my life. I wish i left. I wish i had been smart enough to see the signs. I wish i had not made excuses for him. The shit never ends. I will tell you right now, it isn’t worth it. If this guy loved you, he wouldn’t be trying to contact someone (who has a legal order against him!). There is no excuse in the world. 

The next year and a half of my life i wish i could get back. It was a series of court dates, legal research (because i was so determined to help him even though he couldnt be bothered to do the research himself). Constant fighting because there was NO trust. I could never shake the feeling of jealousy towards her, no matter how much i tried or how much he would tell me that he loved me, she meant nothing bla bla bla.

Eventually he started talking to someone else and that wad my final straw. After all i had done and given up for him it still wasnt enough. I kicked him out and you want to know what happened? He stalked me for the next 6 months. Showed up at my house, calls after calls, contacting me on fake accounts on Facebook etc. It finally stopped when i moved and convinced him i had changed my number. I talked to his ex to apologize for making it so difficult for her and her child in the past. I had her pegged all wrong from his stories, HE was the crazy one who just up and left her when i came along and then stalked her. I felt awful. 

What i am trying to say is, this may not seem like him BUT IT IS. I know he is not my ex, but people like this dont just change and become normal. Please message me if you want to talk. 


  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  L606.
Post # 79
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

 MinkaGrl01:  Nobody said the ex is obligated to reply.

Post # 80
185 posts
Blushing bee

Vitana:  yes it is scary and it’s no joke so for someone to assume the ex is a big fat liar is lunacy at its finest. My ex stalked me an entire summer until I, myself found a loophole. Fact is, the perp is ALWAYS protected more than the victim because the law just don’t want to hand down unjustified actions on the off chance someone IS lying on them. It’s hard as hell to be protected, damn near to the point you have to get hurt on order for someone to do something to protect you and them someone says something like maybe she’s a big fat liar. Tell my window that, tell my job that, tell my scared at the time self that when I could not sleep in my own bed for 6 months, feeling more comfortable on my couch because at least then I could see IT (or whatever was gonna happen) coming. AND tell my mom tht who feared for my friggin life!

Post # 81
123 posts
Blushing bee

Havnt read all the comments but the fact the he is 30 years old, was willing to violate a court order, AND hid the entire thing right in front of your eyes!! leave and get yourself your own restraining order because its likely your next. It’s sad because people don’t usually take stalking seriously until someone end up harmed/dead. Just a few weeks ago in Texas a guy stalked his ex and lost track of her, snapped and murdered her entire family because of it. GET OUT NOW 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  .
Post # 82
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ThrowawayAccount:  Oh boy! I have so much to say and so many thoughts on this. But I will keep it as short as I can…

My friend has some ex’s that sound like this (yes more than one). After almost 20 YEARS of helping moving her repeatedly, changing the SS numbers of her children and one of their names, countless phone number and job changes, she now suffers from PTSD, has a lifetime restraining order, she still receives jailhouse calls from his room mates (yup) to search for her. Her family members, attourney’s office, friends etc all have been contacted by random strangers asking about her. 


You can never rationalize this behaviour! Stop making excuses for him! RUN! NOW! DO NOT WAIT!! Leave before they release him from jail!! Sever all contact! Please!

Post # 83
4 posts

He is hiding things from you, and I think you should consider separating from him. He needs serious help if he is going back to an Ex, while he is with you.

In the future, don’t date someone two weeks out of a long term relationship.

Post # 84
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’ve been following this thread, and it hits kind of close to home. I was with my ex for 5.5 years, everything was great, we were looking at e-rings and then out of the blue, he was arrested (not for stalking, but for something very serious). It was completely out of left field so I know the hurt and confusion, my heart goes out to you OP.  When he was released and we spoke, he confessed to some things related to the circumstances of his arrest, but denied the charges that actually landed him in jail. We tried to make it work for about six months and I was trying to trust him again, since he had confessed some things to me. He finally told me that the charges against him were accurate and he was guilty. The whole 6 months he kept telling me he was taking a plea deal because it would be too risky to go to trial, but then I found out he was taking a plea deal because he was guilty. I broke up with him after that, 6 years of dating, gone.

The lesson of that story? Your Boyfriend or Best Friend and my ex were master manipulators and might come clean on part of the story, but the court system does work…if he is guilty, they will render an appropriate verdict and you will be left standing looking at the remain s of your relationship. Get out now, don’t waste any more time. It will be extremely hard because you are emotionally invested. But take it from someone who has been there, I wish I had ended it when he first got arrested and not been strung along for 6 more months because when we did break up, not only did I hurt, but I felt like a fool and it took me a long time to start trusting myself and my own judgment. His initial incarceration took away my trust in him. His final confession took away the trust I had in myself. How could I have been so naive/blind not to see through all his lies. He was a master manipulator and that can screw with your own judgment and decision making skills. Don’t let that happen. Run and rin fast before you are completely destroyed.

Post # 85
42 posts

Penang1885:  AGREE!!! Girl this is a horrible situation and I’m so sorry this person did this to you… but you need to run for the hills. 

Post # 86
42 posts

Also I want to say one more thing. Sometime we fall in love with someone… who does not really exist. We fall in love with the person someone is trying to be. It sounds like the whole relationship this guy has been putting on a front of who he wants you to think he is. In reality this is a man who is not the honest, caring, innocent person you thought, he is a liar, cheater and manipulator. You are in love with who you thought this person was, not who he really is. Please remeber that when you speak to him and you try to rationalize the situation. Good Luck.

Post # 87
804 posts
Busy bee

ThrowawayAccount:  I would dump him and change my number, hide my fb profile asap, because he might come after you next. Restraining orders are no joke.

Post # 88
2669 posts
Sugar bee

I was stalked c ouple of years ago and it COMPLETELY changed my habits and how I view the world.

You never really feel safe afterward.

If that were my guy, I’d be so out his head would spin.

Good luck, you are gonna need it.

Post # 89
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ThrowawayAccount:  Can you contact the ex girlfriend and ask her to tell you her story.  Tell her that you’re really sorry to bother her, don’t mean to upset her, but that you’ve been dating this guy and he seemed okay to you, that you had no idea any stalking was happening and would she mind talking to you about it.  Then listen to what she says, don’t judge anything, don’t get her defensive, just encourage her to talk.  Many women are quite happy to tell you all about their stories.

Post # 90
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

you got some great advice. Listen to these women! Give us an update, let us know you are ok! 

Be careful! 

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