Post # 1
Hey everyone. I really am just plain sad. My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over 2 years. He has a great education and a great job. I am finishing up my senior year in college, I have 8 months left. He has been applying out of state for a better opportunity. He will be getting a job 11 hours away and it kills me. He thinks I am unsupportive because I get upset that he is willing to just up and leave me. At the same time, I feel selfish that I want to hold him back from this opportunity. He said I cannot come if I don’t have my degree and if I am unable to help pay for half of everything.
None of my family or friends think he is all I think he is, but it is so hard for me to just accept he would up and leave when we have been together this long. He isn’t extremely reassuring, he has always been bad at communicating. That is what makes me unsure and depressed. I just wish there was a way to know that he would honestly try making this work.
At this point I don’t know whether to give up or to stick it up and see how things go. I’m just so sad and all he seems to care about is the money he will make.
I just kind of don’t know what to do, or how to feel supportive when I feel completely abandoned. 🙁
Post # 2
I agree with your family… he sounds like an ass.
When my then-boyfriend (now FI) and I were long distance, he encouraged me to quit my job to move and live with him (I hated my job so that was great!) He assured me that he’d help me with my bills and whatever else until I could find work. Even after I started working, he won’t let me pay for anything, not even dinner. Lol
Your boyfriend should do everything possible to be with you, even when moving away. It doesn’t sound like cares what happens to your relationship. Maybe he wants to “spread his wings” and discover new things during his new post-grad life. Maybe he doesn’t see this relationship ending in marriage and wants to let you down easy. Idk.
By The Way, I’m not saying you should quit your school. DON’T!!! Wait to move with him until you graduate 🙂
Post # 3
Yeah, I hate to say it but it sounds like he has other intentions that doesn’t involve you. My now fiancee moved closer to make sure we didn’t have the LDR. Have you asked him what the plans are between you two?
Post # 4
emmyannxo: you have your whole life ahead of you. You’re young (judging by the fact that you’re in your senior year of college) In the grand scheme of things, 2 years of your life won’t mean too much. Stop wasting any more time on this one. His wanting to move away for a better job opportunity isn’t the issue. It’s his lack of reassurance, and furthermore his demands that you must have your degree and be able to help pay expenses before he’d allow you to move in with him. I can understand saying that he wants you to finish school, and that when you move in he wants you to start looking for jobs. But this….I’m sorry, but he’s just not that into you.
Post # 5
emmyannxo: yes he likely does love you, yes if he had met you after he felt like more of a man because he had succeeded in the world of work, then you would be moving together and engaged.
However you and he are on different pages. You can’t move the relationship forward alone. If you are willing to take the risk (and if it triggers a breakup, do not say I didnt warn you) you could try to have a real, not whining convo with SO to see what his objections are to your moving with him and if there is anything that you two can do to fix those. He may feel scared and break up with you but he just might turn around if the issue is discussed without accusations and complaining.
I do have a question for you: are you really ready to be so serious – move to where he is, cohabit, get engaged. You are young! If you are mistakenly pushing this moving with him because you feel insecure that he must not love you if he is willing to relocate for his first big post college career position or because you are scared you won’t see him/it will be painful to be apart at all, then I would end all talk of moving with him and just enjoy his company now, hoping for the best that he will invite you to move after you graduate. When I was in college, I didn’t fuss when my SO moved because he was so commit phobic I was afraid he would run for the hills and I knew I was not ready for marriage. Turns out he tried very hard to get me to move a year later, even proposing but I, uh, had moved on. Not to get even but because I realized he was wrong for me
if you are very ready to get more serious and he goes ahead and moves without you, I wouldn’t give ultimatums. I would go with the flow once I tried or didnt try the convo with him about how to make it work for you to move with him. I would just bet if you are ready for a serious committed relationship and he isn’t, you will like a new more established man once SO leaves. And this will be SO’s loss!!!!!
Post # 6
I can kind of see his point. He could love you with all of his heart and still doesn’t want you to drop out of school and live off of him while working some sub-par job. He wants you to be able to graduate college and support yourself and have your own career. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. (Not that there’s anything wrong with a man WANTING to support you. There’s just more than one way to skin a cat.)
If he loves you and wants to be with you, your relationship is otherwise strong, and he’s a trustworthy person, stick it out. While sometimes family “vibes” are absolutely right, you know him better than they do.
Post # 7
emmyannxo: your Boyfriend or Best Friend sounds like he is at the point in life where he wants to do him. although i do think he should put more consideration into his relationship with you before making such a big move, he is at that point in his life where his identity, adulthood, and life are tied into his job/career. it is what will define him. i know a ton of guys who were like that post-college, who wanted to spread their wings and make it big. to some guys, relationships come and go. a job will give them confidence, pride, and worthiness.
talk to him and see where he wants to go with your relationship. does he see you two being both in the same city eventually? will this situation be permanent or temporary?
just for the record, i was with my Boyfriend or Best Friend (now DH) for years in college, and then i moved away for a fellowship/internship in another city, by choice. i didn’t have to, i could have stayed in the same town with him, but it was something within me i always wanted to do. i wanted to do me, and i wanted to spread my wings and give a new city a shot. if my Boyfriend or Best Friend had stopped me, i would have resented him and felt held back. but he put trust in me and our relationship, and everything worked out!
Post # 8
He sounds like a jerk quite honestly. It sounds like this blindsided you and he took a job without consulting you, talking with you about what that will mean for you as a couple, and it sounds like if this relationship is to keep on keeping on he’s expecting YOU to make all the sacrifices. On the other side of that token though it’s unfair of you to expect he stays where you are just because you are finishing up college.
After college it is not uncommon for couples who were together all through college to get to that point where they break up. It’s a time when many people realize that they are headed in totally different directions than their SO. It happened to me and many other friends of mine after college. It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship (not consulting you, basically giving an ultimatum if you want this relationship to continue, etc.) but doesn’t want to pull the plug. Also…TRUST your family. They are obviously seeing him in a different light than you, but from this one post that you wrote about him I can see where they are coming from. Your family only wants the best for you and they can see that this guy isn’t it.
So…as much as it hurts, break it off with this guy. There are better dudes out there, trust me. Take the time to truly enjoy your senior year. Stay single for a while and kiss a lot of boys, have a blast with your friends, and truly enjoy senior year to the fullest. Don’t let this guy tie you down…I feel like if you did follow him after graduation it would only lead to heartbreak.
Post # 9
It’s not the fact that he’s moving for a better opportunity that bothers me, it’s how he spoke to you about pulling your weight and that it has to specfically be 50:50. I can’t imagine saying that to someone I really loved. I agree that you need to stay in college but for you, not as meal ticket for him. This guy does not sound like a prize to me. The only thing I can think is he is afraid you want to quit school and be totally supported by him.
Post # 10
I think it makes sense to finish up your degree. It would be kind of silly to drop out when you’re so close to finishing that up.
The 50/50 thing would bother me though. When my Darling Husband (SO at the time) was offered a job out of state he asked me to move with him even if I didn’t find a job right away. He would rather support me than have that distance between us.
While I think the 50/50 comment sucks it wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker to me. However, add that to the fact that your family and friends don’t like him and it would make me wonder if I’m missing something.
Maybe give the long distance a try (so you don’t wonder “what if”) and if it doesn’t work out, cut your losses and move on.
ETA: do you even want to move? If he asked you to go with him, would you?
Post # 11
This can be a red flag. While I can see why your bf doesn’t want you to give up on your education in order to live with him, the part where he said that he is willingly to “up and leave” kinda threw me off. He is basically threatening to break up with you if do move with him which is uncalled for. Now I am not exactly sure if you were unsupportive in his decision that he found a job out of state, but his rude comments wasn’t necessary. You have to understand that moving in with someone is a serious move, financially and mentally. If one of you are not prepared to go through it together, then there’s no point of doing said action. I wish you luck on the two of you to get through this.
Post # 12
depends on your bf’s career field. Is it one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities? when younger, I’m much in favor of people taking big risks to get set up in career. maybe he’s doing this so that he can earn more money quickly, and that would bring comforts down the road – no debt, ease in planning a wedding, having kids earlier. i let my Darling Husband choose to stay in the top city for his career and I made my career in a different one, then we got married in his city… When you’re so young I tend to value career over being physically together
Post # 13
emmyannxo: You could alwasy just give LD a shot and if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out.
From the info you’ve provided I don’t think it’s clear whether he’s serious about being with you or not. Assuming you’re both in your early 20s, you’re at a stage where it makes sense for both of you to pursue your careers. If he wants to go you shouldn’t hold him back. If your heart is telling you that he’s not the one for you, then break it off. If not, give LD a shot. You can alwasy decide to break it off later, or you could move there after you finish school. 8 months is really not that much time. I say this as someone who spent a LOT of time being LD with my Darling Husband.
Post # 14
You’re more invested in this relationship than he is – not a good thing. You sound very, very young and I don’t mean that as a pejorative. Focus on finishing school rather than on this man who will more than likely end up as a part of your past.