(Closed) My boyfriend won't buy me a ring unless I buy him something in return…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee

Ewww….and you wanna marry this dude?

Post # 62
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Sure, it’s fine for him to want an engagement gift, too. But that’s not how this situation reads to me. It sounds like he is creating an issue to mess with you, and he has some fundamental problem with giving you a gift that isn’t repaid. Jesus. Is he like this in the bedroom, too?

It’s great that you have a relationship where you are both willing to pull your weight financially. But this kind of petty tit-for-tat bullshit needs to stop.

Also, it’s 100% fine for you as an independent, modern woman to still desire a proposal and a ring. And he’s managed to turn women’s equality into an issue of men’s equality, so bully for him, he’s an asshat.

Post # 63
Member
3038 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I know couples who have gone through their entire single and married lives like this, and it works for them because they are both frugal/money-oriented people. In this sort of relationship, you and your spouse would keep completely separate finances and owe each other money in the event that one of you is unemployed for any amount of time. You would also split the chores exactly 50/50 because this is “fair”, and you would work throughout all pregnancies and put your babies in daycare so you can continue to contribute your 50% of the marriage. This seems absurd to me and I would never want to be in a relationship like this, but there’s no one-size-fits-all for relationships, and this seems to make my friends happy. 

It seems like you’re more like me and don’t want to be in a relationship like that. Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. For example, my Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law were romantics who believed that true love conquers all and never thought to discuss difficult things like money before they married, and they had an unhappy marriage and a messy divorce due to their differing views on saving, spending, and debt management. So think hard about the way you’d like a marriage to be. To Darling Husband and me, spouses share the same expenses, responsibilities, and future, so they should also share all of their finances. Everything we earn goes into a joint account and we decide as a team how that money ought to be saved, spent, invested, etc. Sometimes this means we don’t get the things that we want (for example, I want a pair of diamond pavé huggie hoops so bad! And he wants to sell his convertible and put the money towards a Tesla. But we agreed that our top priority as a couple right now is to save for a starter home, so no new jewelry and no fancy car until we buy the house and figure out what our mortgage situation ends up being like). This is okay, though, because our motto is “what’s best for the team is best for me.” 

Discuss your viewpoints and expectations about money with your Boyfriend or Best Friend. If you can’t come to an agreement, go find yourself another man who will agree with you. Being legally bound to someone who you disagree with about big issues like money, sex, kids versus no kids, etc. isn’t worth the drama. 

Post # 64
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

I didn’t read all the replies, but man the OP’s post reads straight out of The Joy Luck Club. One of the daughters married a man who had everything split 50/50. 

I agree with another PP in that if the two of you shared similar viewpoints about finances and relationships, then that’s fine. The problem is that the two of you don’t share similar viewpoints. Tit for tat works if the other person likes it too, but you don’t seem to.

I also get the vibe that he’s throwing up issues to create some distance. Maybe you’re right in that he doesn’t really want the relationship to change. 

The thing about equality is that it doesn’t always address the real needs of all parties involved. If he wants to be fair about it, try equity. Equality and equity do not mean the same thing. Equality only works if everyone starts from the same place and wants the same things.

At the same time, I find it weird to argue about a relationship with a social justice bent. In the end, a relationship is based on emotions and needs. And those needs and wants don’t always align with how we want the world in general to work.

So maybe sit down with your fiance and have a discussion about how you want the future to be like.

Post # 65
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

ElectroFish:  You sound like a perfect match for the OP’s boyfriend. 

Post # 66
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

 This guy has the maturity level of a 6 year old. Move on dear.  rimi09:  

Post # 68
Member
2554 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

“This guy I’m dating has always been a certain way and now he’s still being that way, and I’m mad.”

What? Why did you string this poor guy along for years if you don’t like who he is?

Post # 69
Member
4840 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

rimi09:  You *are* giving more to the relationship than he is.  Not only that, but you expect nothing in return.   He does.   Personally I wouldn’t give him another moment of my precious life.  

 

Post # 71
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

He is gross and immature. Engagement does not require a gift to any party. For him to demand something in return is incredibly selfish and weird. 

Post # 72
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

mushface:  Yeah, it also does not require the gift of a ring, so OP then should not be upset he wants to spend “only” $1,000 either.

Post # 73
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with hose who say it’s the values that are In question rather than the exact scenario. For example, Fiance wants to buy me a ring that’s at least $3k. We discussed this last night. I found one that is cubic zirconia that is a $50 set and want it and he can’t understand that because apparently I’m worth more than $50 blah blah blah. At the same time, he’s on the “it’s not yours or mine but ours” mentality but I won’t ask for help even if I need it (such as I haven’t got paid yet so don’t have the money for lunch, I’d rather do without than ask because even though he would want to help I don’t want to feel indebted to him (yet I want to help him… the irony…as in I’ll go into debt treating him but if he takes me out I’ll get the cheapest thing because I feel bad, even though he’s never made me feel that way). 

On the other hand, addressing the children comments many people have said, he wants kids and talks about it ALL the time. Yet he knows Im on the fence and ultimately have sat in it. If I decide no, well then it’s my choice, and he’ll have to live with it. 

At the same time, WEDDING RINGS are something that make things “even” there’s not really a compar for an engagement ring. Basically an engagement ring is sort of a brand like saying “I’m taken” or “she’s taken… back off”. Bottom line, in my opinion, if the woman isn’t paying, she really shoudnt have a say in how much it costs, whether it’s $10 or $10,000. 

Post # 74
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I kind of get where he’s coming from. 

First of all, with the ring- you say you’re traditional, but you also want to have a say in the price of the ring and picking it out before the proposal. Traditionally the man would select the ring based on what he can afford. I think if you want something more expensive maybe you could agree to pay half. 

As for him wanting an engagement gift, I think that’s reasonable too. I bought my fiancé a wedding band to wear on his right hand as an engagement gift and he loved it. 

Everything in our relationship is very 50/50. We pay each other back if we borrow money, we have separate bank accounts and we both contribute equal amounts to our budget. There are obviously times when I’ll buy him stuff and not expect to be paid back, and vice versa, but we definitely take turns paying for dinner and movie dates. We take turns putting gas in the car, etc. 

When I was on maternity leave (1 year of paid leave here), we budgeted with him contributing more because I made less on mat leave, but we still took turns and paid each other back when needed. I think there are 2 types of couples when it comes to finances- the joint bank account type, and the seperate bank account type. I have some friends who are stay at home moms, or housewives who don’t work but they have joint bank accounts because their husbands money is their money. In our house we both work, so aside from what we contribute to bills, our money is our own to do with as we please, and if we borrow from each other’s account it’s only right to pay it back after. My dad and step mom are like this and it’s worked for them for over 20 years. They even have seperate orders at stores because they pay for their own stuff.

It sounds like you both have different ideas on how you want to financially run the house. Everyone will have different ways they agree on finances, but I think it’s important to be on the same page. 

Post # 75
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

rimi09: Although he has talked about proposing it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to propose.  Not right now anyway.

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