(Closed) My boyfriend's brother got engaged..

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Do you both have jobs? A place to live? Finances in order? Have you talked about getting married? If so, have you talked about what kind of wedding you want? Do you want a long or short engagement? How old are you both? What about his brother? Do he and his fiance have jobs? Are their finances in order? Do they have a place to live? How old are they? Do they want a long or short engagement? What type of wedding do they want?

The timing is probably just not right for you guys right now. I know my boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet because he wants to make sure we can actually afford to buy our own place and pay for a wedding without going into debt. It took a bit of time, but I’ve accepted that as a really good idea.

Talk it over with your boyfriend, without bringing emotion into it; no crying or screaming or blaming. Just ask him if he’s thought about it at all and ask about a timeline. Then drop it. Do not pressure him and do not make him feel guilty. It won’t help matters and it won’t speed up a potential engagement. All that it will accomplish is making him wonder why you’re being insecure and why you’re no longer the confident woman he fell in love with.

And do your best to be happy for his brother. It really doesn’t matter how long they’ve been dating compared to you. They shouldn’t have to wait to get married just because you’ve been dating longer. It’s a very special time for him and his fiance right now and the last thing you want is to look like a brat because you didn’t get engaged first (note: I’m not saying you are a brat, you just don’t want to come across that way to his family).

Post # 5
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

every relationship moves at different paces.  If you want to know why your bf hasn’t put a ring on it yet – ask him.  

Post # 6
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m not going to lie, it makes me twitch a little bit when people have met, dated, got engaged, and gotten married all within the time that my SO and I have been together, but if you keep comparing your relationship to others you’ll never be happy. You just have to remember that all relationships move at their own paces.

In the meantime, talk to your boyfriend about a timeline! 4.5 years is a long time for marriage to have never come up.

Post # 8
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Regina Phalange:  haha πŸ™‚  It’s so true! And especially what you said about comparing and happiness.

Be happy with what you have. And if you aren’t happy with what you have and want something else, then don’t complain about it – go out and get after it!

Post # 9
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with the other ladies…while everyone has their own relationship pace, 4.5 years definitely warrants a timeline talk. I know it’s difficult to see others moving at a quicker pace. I am in my mid-30s and a couple of my friends recently got engaged after less than a year of dating. I am expecting a proposal before Christmas…and that will put us just shy of 3 years together. People reach that point at different times. Have the talk with SO so you know exactly where you stand on the issue. Good Luck!

Post # 10
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove

@jtaylor18:  I feel ya! I know PPs have good reasons listed and why is wasnt you first but I read your post as a mini-vent because in the moment “that should have been you!” – which I totally get.

I dont know anything about your relationship but I hope after 4.5 years you’ve at least got some sort of timeline/knowledge of wanting to get married and maybe this will be the motivation he needs, because he noticed too, that his brother beat him to the punch. (I think guys are usually kind of competetive like that.) Good luck and maybe this is an opportunity to Ooooh and ahhhhh over her ring a little Wink

Post # 11
Member
26 posts
Newbee

Oooooh I know this feeling! My boyfriend’s brother got engaged this year after dating his now-wife for 9 months… I was so jealous. My bf was a groomsman and the whole event ended up being a blessing in disguise… he LOVED being a part of the wedding and it caused him to talk about marriage more seriously between the two of us. Definitely talk to him, I bet he’s probably feeling similarly or at least could see your side about it seeming odd and unfair.

Post # 12
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

@jtaylor18:  VERY similar situation to you over here!  Although SO & I have been together for just a few months less than his brother & his GF/FI, they are 2-3 years younger than we are and did it in total secrecy.

SO and I have talked about marriage a lot but we know that we are not quite ready yet, I am in school, he just finished up and he’s trying to find a job in his field.  That may take him away from me as we are living together right now, so I think he is waiting to see how that all plays out.  My advice would be to talk to him about it – ask him his feelings on marriage or if you aren’t living together, maybe take that step first.  I’m not sure what other kind of advice to give you as I’m not sure the kind of situation you are in.

Post # 13
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

No advice other than to just stay positive that your time will come. Basically the exact same thing happened to me… only now my boyfriend’s brother and his SO (who happens to have the exact same first name as I do) are not only engaged, but are now married and have a home. Aaaand here my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are in the same damn place -_-. It’s totally weak, I know. Hopefully things look up eventually, though. It doesn’t feel good to be treated like you are less special to your SO than some other chick is to somone else. Good luck!! πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

@jtaylor18:  Oh boyyyyyyyy. Girl, I was in the same EXACT boat as you a few months ago, BUT my SO and I have been together for almost 7 years! Read my first post ever if you can lol.

Anyways, many bees on here are very helpful and have given you some great advice already. I would definitely say to have a nice sit-down talk with your man and go over a timeline. Talk to him about a timeline. What my SO and I did one day, maybe a few weeks after his brother got engaged was to create our own versions of a timeline and then share our versions to each other and “mesh” the two together. Now we have a set timeline and it really helped…A LOT. By doing that, I was able to re-evaluate where we were in our lives, and I didn’t feel so angry anymore that his brother’s now fiancee had a ring on it, and I didn’t. Even though they were dating for a way shorter time than us. I felt like a huge weight was taken off my shoulders after we had that talk about a timeline. I felt reassured. In fact, his brother getting engaged actually made my SO more open and interested into talking about US getting engaged, married, etc. πŸ™‚

It’s completely normal to feel the way you feel right now. I’m telling you, it will get better and pretty soon those angry, jealous pissed off feelings (lol) will go away. Also, like many bees have told me before: every relationship and couple have different courses and we shouldn’t feel like we are in a competition with others. What you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend have is special and you shouldn’t let his brother’s engagement make you feel any less.

Talk to your man! I really hope this helps! Good Luck girl and feel better please! πŸ™‚

Post # 15
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My little sister is engaged and SO’s little sister got engaged AND married… so I can relate.  It is tough for sure, especially when it is the younger siblings- then you get the comments like- when are you getting engaged?  Why aren’t you engaged yet?  How’s it feel to have your little sister engaged before you?  Seriously?!

In my experience, it can get tricky when siblings have weddings close together, so be aware of that.  Will a lot of his family be traveling from out of town?  They may not be able to attend two weddings if they are too close apart. So you may want to let your SO know that if he had a specific season in mind to get married (like Summer 2014) that it may not be possible.  My SO didn’t think about it and now we will be waiting longer than we wanted to get married because our wedding can’t be close to my sister’s wedding and she got engaged and picked her date first.  So. much. drama.

  Good luck!

 

Post # 16
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@jtaylor18:  Well as a girl who has been with her SO for about 11 months who is ready to be engaged I can give the brother’s SO’s pov. His sister and brother are older and have been in relationshhips longer. His sister is past ready for her Boyfriend or Best Friend to propose ( I think it might happen over the holidays actually). I want to be engage by march and made it clear to my boo that thier relationships have nothing to do with ours. Some people get married faster and some more slowly. I wouldn’t want him to wait because they did so you shouldn’t push him to do it because they did.

Now! If you want to push him, be clear that it is because of internal dynamics and not because so and so did it. Always try to speak logically about timelines.

Side Note: If you are familiar with game theory you can model the proposal as an infinite horizon game with sequential moves and use that to explain why proposing/accepting a proposal is more valuable now, not later… boys like logic and that logic at its finest! And yes. I did model this and email it to my bf.

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