My boyfriend’s brother’s wife

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

@cecoulter22: You should just accept the fact that the 2 of you will never be as close as you would have hoped. Not everyone clicks.. maybe she just didn’t click with you. I find it strange that she could ever be a reason for you to cry and fight with your boyfriend. Just be polite in public but obviously don’t go out of your way. Be aquantances.. there is nothing wrong with that.

Post # 4
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would invite her to lunch and meet with JUST her, one on one.  Tell her how the little encounters make you feel, ask if there’s anything you did to upset her, etc etc.  Tell he how excited you are to join the family.  If she doesn’t like you for some reason that you can’t change (like, you’re younger, she wants to be the only daughter-in-law, etc), then tell her that the little insensitivities stop now.  You can be cordial to each other without being BFFs.  A cold shoulder is not merited.

You might have to really slather on the charm to get her to meet with you.

If she refuses to meet with you, she isn’t doing anything that should upset you to the point where you’re crying.  Not everyone has to like you. It seems like her technique is a cold shoulder/ignore type.  The baby comment isn’t even that meanspirited in execution.  Your options if she won’t talk to you about this are to either ignore her completely (could cause problems), or, my FAVORITE ‘attack’… KILL her with kindness.  “Oh! Liz! I need a hug too, girlie!!” when she walks right by you, “I’m the baby, gotta love me!” “Hey girl! Hehe you didn’t see me here, did you?!” *big smile*

Post # 5
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

… wow this reminds me so much of when I was dating an ex (pretty serious relationship) who’s sister was like this. She would always say backhanded things to me, but she’d do it in such a way that I couldn’t call her out on it and not even my boyfriend would believe me. It caused a lot of fights between us. He always brushed it off and said I was being too senstive. Later, he did notice some of the things she said to me and agreed that she was being hurtful but never did anything about it, which caused more fights. That was one of the reasons we broke up, unfortunately. The saddest part is I REALLY liked her and wanted to be her friend, but she just hated me!

I say just don’t let her bug you. She is petty and nasty and not worth your time. Do NOT try and be friends with her anymore, simply tolerate her, be nice to her within reason, but don’t waste your time. Don’t let this girl get between you and your SO, she’s NOT worth it.

Your situation reminds me sooo much of mine, feel free to PM me if you need to talk…

Post # 6
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would come outright with her and tell her what she is doing. If you cant do it in person, write a letter, or an email. Put her in her place.

She cannot treat you like this, and if it doesnt work out then completely ignore her, go along with your life, whether or not that means moving to Denver, she will get the hint that you are here to stay and come around to it eventually.

Also, if she continues to be mean after you talk to her, I would have your boyfriend talk to hers. Its worth a try!

Post # 7
Member
14445 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sounds like a bitch and she just wants to compete with you in the family.  I say screw her.  I wouldnt even waste my time trying to talk to her about it, its already clear how she is and has no interest in a relationship, why bother.  I’d treat her exactly how she treats me and definitely not let her get to me, and make sure to be SUPER nice to her in front of everyone.  You can still have a great relation with the family despite her.

Post # 8
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

ouch! she is hurtful! I am sorry you are going through this. xoxo  All I can say is from experience, after i was with my Fiance for about two years, one of his sisters FINALLY got over his ex. she used to always say things to me on purpose.. oh “ex” would always do this, or do you knwo what “ex” is doing. finally one day I had to say did you know “ex” got married? I always wanted to say though.. didnt you know “ex” cheated on your brother and he saw! she was always incredibly rude and Fiance finally saw, and he was like dont let her bother you they only even met a few times as sister lived in another state when he was with her. 

After we had enough times of being together, alone, or just a few of us, she finally started becoming warm. Now I can say after 5.5 years we have a GREAT relationship, I never told her she was upsetting me, it was only that one comment I stood up to her with. 

I am hoping if you move to Denver she will really see how amazing you are and she will get over try to, “be the favorite DIL” 

Sorry she sounds so petty and SNEAKY being all nice in front of everyone else!

Post # 9
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Obviously she felt insecure about her role in the family when you met, and she is still trying to assert her role and make herself seem like the favorite. She probably is not that secure of a person, and acting like a b**ch to you makes her feel good.

30 is way too old to act petty like this to someone 24, so even though she hurts you, instead of going to bed crying when you have encounters with her, why not go to bed smiling that you are not as insecure inside as she obviously is?

This situation would suck. The best thing I can tell you is that when your wedding eventually rolls around, put her at the table furthest away.

Post # 10
Member
7412 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MrsNeutrino: <– This. 

Ever heard the saying “Don’t throw pearls at swine”. She doesn’t like you and its not your job to find out why. If she’s rude outright, I agree that you should call her out on it.  But do not have you Boyfriend or Best Friend speak to his brother about this. That will cause more  drama. What do you think she’s going to all of a sudden go “I’ve seen the errors of my ways and I’ve have been a bitch! Let’s make amends” Umm no. She already knows that. She gets off doing this.

However, you are giving her the power to hurt you. Just continue to civil but stop trying to get to know her. She doesn’t care.

As long as you have the support of your FH (and thankfully he sees whats goign on) then thats all that matters. Let her keep being a bitch. 

Post # 11
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@cecoulter22: . She knows what she is doing. She is vindictive and narcassistic. Ignore her. Feeling hurt feeds her. The best way to hurt her is to ‘move on’ and let her continue being bitter.

She is the one with the problem. Not you. You are just someone easy. Seriously I would talk to her one and one and tell her how you feel and let her know sher BIL knows and you will not tolerate her bitchiness.

What does your Future Brother-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law think? Would they believe you? Seriously can you tell them what is going on?

Post # 13
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

She is jealous and feeling threatened.  She was “in the family” first, and doesn’t want you to take her spotlight away with the in-laws.  I’d just kill her with kindness and let her know that you are not going to back down.  If you give up on your dream of moving to Denver and let your relationship fall apart due to her, she wins.

Post # 14
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Don’t let her frustrate you.  She doesn’t have to like you if she doesn’t want to.  Throughout life you’re going to encounter a lot of people  that don’t treat you the way that you treat them and you just got to suck it up and move on. Be cordial with her but don’t pay her any more attention than is necessary.  If you do it gives her more ammunition to treat you badly.  If she sees that you are trying to get her attention or trying to get her to like you she will do the total opposite.

I remember when I was younger and got a parttime job.  There was this girl that was very popular and I tried to be her friend.  I would ask her questions and she wouldn’t answer me, or I would be walking out the door behind her and she would close it in my face and I use to wonder what the hell did I do to her.  The minute I stop trying to be friends with her besides walking in the room and being cordial then totally ignoring the fact that she was there, her whole attitude changed.  She did this with every single new person.  I think she really got off on hurting peoples feelings.

My FI’s family loves me.  They are all kind to me and hug me and everyone is nice to me except one of his nieces and she is very outspoken.  After visit 2 I could tell she didn’t like me and I just say Hi when I walk in and then I speak and catch up with everyone else.  I’ve never done anything to her so if she doesn’t like me that’s her choice.  Hopefully one day she’ll get over it, if she doesn’t Oh Well.

 

Post # 15
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I have to disagree with a couple of the other posters who dont understand the way you feel, I would feel just like you do, and the way she is treating you is hurtful, mean and it is really unfair. it would totally make me cry to! I would find that so hard to deal with too cause I hate when people dont like me. 

I think there are two types of people, people like you who are sensitive and like to be friends and people like your fsil who only seem to care about themselves. Just try and ignore her, eventually youwont even notice her nasty comments any more.

Post # 16
Member
4069 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

She sounds like a nasty piece of work.  I have no advice but I hope things improve. 🙂

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