Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years now, and we have been talking seriously about marriage for about 4 months. Now that I am in my last year of college he has made it pretty clear that he is going to propose soon (he even asked my dad and older brother for my hand in marriage)! The only issue in this seemingly perfect situation is one person – my boyfriend’s older brother’s wife. Unfortuately, this issue goes back almost two years ago, when I first met my boyfriends brother and best friends and their girlfriends/fiances/wives during a trip to Denver, where my boyfriend’s brother and wife live. For the sake of this post I am going to call her Liz and his brother Aaron. During that time Liz and Aaron were only dating. I was really excited and nervous to meet everyone, but I was most excited to meet Liz. I wanted a great relationship with her before I even met her, because my boyfriend and his brother are so close. Liz had her mom in town during that visit, so I knew I wasn’t going to have a lot of time to get to know her, but I was still excited nonetheless. When I first met Liz, everyone was on the porch chatting and drinking wine, waiting for her to get back from shopping with her mom. When Liz and her mom pulled up in the driveway, I positioned myself closest to the porch stairs so I could introduce myself before she got caught up with everyone else. However, I set myself up for humiliation. She walked right past me without barely a glance, and proceeded to kiss and hug all the other girls there. The guys were wrapped in a conversation so my boyfriend never saw what happened. Thank goodness for one of the girlfriends, who tried to save me by grabbing Liz and saying “Don’t you want to meet Aaron’s brothers girlfriend?” Even then I only got a quick hello before she darted into the house.
Sadly, this was the beginning of hell for me. I was so shocked and embarrassed from that encounter that it started to consume me. I couldn’t understand why she would act like that toward me, especially when she is absolutely darling to all the other girls and they love her. Since that encounter, I have endured about ten visits involving Liz, and almost every single one has ended up with me crying (not in public, but in my bed at the end of the night) and my boyfriend and I having an argument. Over those two years Liz and Aaron got engaged and married. It seems like ever since she became married, she has been worse. Over one thanksgiving, she said (after a few cocktails) “I’m always going to be the favorite daughter in law!” During another visit, when my boyfriends aunt asked her how old she was again (which is 30, and I’m 24) I overheard her diverting the focus on her age by telling the aunt “30, but can you believe Casey is 24?? shes such a baby!!” During her wedding I was grabbing some aspirin for my boyfriends friend’s headache when I ran into her (this was right before the ceremony) looking like a nervous wreck. I felt bad for her and asked her if I could get her anything and she only responded with “I need Val (her bridesmaids) not you”
I could go on and on with these hurtful little encounters, but this post would get entirely too long. The hardest part about this is Liz is sooo nice to everyone, and even randomly really nice to me in public (normally in front of my boyfriend and Aarons family), so when I first started crying and telling my boyfriend how I felt, he thought I was crazy. It literally took until about 6 months ago when my boyfriend finally told me that he was seeing what I saw. Liz is so good at hurting me without really anyone seeing it. I just don’t get it. She is so nice to all the other girls except me. And she is the one married!!! She has the upperhand so I don’t understand why she puts me through this. I guess now I’m asking for help/advice/encouragement, or whatever, because if my boyfriend and I get married, I don’t want this issue to damage our relationship. And there is also one other thing – we both have talked about moving to Denver after I graduate (we both LOVE that city) but now I’m terrified if I move close to Aaron and Liz, my relationship will crumble because I have such anxiety over the issue. I don’t want to keep my boyfriend from his brother because they are best friends and i think Aaron is great. I also dont want to throw away my dream of living in denver because of one person…but its looking that way. What do I do??
Post # 3
@cecoulter22: You should just accept the fact that the 2 of you will never be as close as you would have hoped. Not everyone clicks.. maybe she just didn’t click with you. I find it strange that she could ever be a reason for you to cry and fight with your boyfriend. Just be polite in public but obviously don’t go out of your way. Be aquantances.. there is nothing wrong with that.
Post # 4
I would invite her to lunch and meet with JUST her, one on one. Tell her how the little encounters make you feel, ask if there’s anything you did to upset her, etc etc. Tell he how excited you are to join the family. If she doesn’t like you for some reason that you can’t change (like, you’re younger, she wants to be the only daughter-in-law, etc), then tell her that the little insensitivities stop now. You can be cordial to each other without being BFFs. A cold shoulder is not merited.
You might have to really slather on the charm to get her to meet with you.
If she refuses to meet with you, she isn’t doing anything that should upset you to the point where you’re crying. Not everyone has to like you. It seems like her technique is a cold shoulder/ignore type. The baby comment isn’t even that meanspirited in execution. Your options if she won’t talk to you about this are to either ignore her completely (could cause problems), or, my FAVORITE ‘attack’… KILL her with kindness. “Oh! Liz! I need a hug too, girlie!!” when she walks right by you, “I’m the baby, gotta love me!” “Hey girl! Hehe you didn’t see me here, did you?!” *big smile*
Post # 5
… wow this reminds me so much of when I was dating an ex (pretty serious relationship) who’s sister was like this. She would always say backhanded things to me, but she’d do it in such a way that I couldn’t call her out on it and not even my boyfriend would believe me. It caused a lot of fights between us. He always brushed it off and said I was being too senstive. Later, he did notice some of the things she said to me and agreed that she was being hurtful but never did anything about it, which caused more fights. That was one of the reasons we broke up, unfortunately. The saddest part is I REALLY liked her and wanted to be her friend, but she just hated me!
I say just don’t let her bug you. She is petty and nasty and not worth your time. Do NOT try and be friends with her anymore, simply tolerate her, be nice to her within reason, but don’t waste your time. Don’t let this girl get between you and your SO, she’s NOT worth it.
Your situation reminds me sooo much of mine, feel free to PM me if you need to talk…
Post # 6
I would come outright with her and tell her what she is doing. If you cant do it in person, write a letter, or an email. Put her in her place.
She cannot treat you like this, and if it doesnt work out then completely ignore her, go along with your life, whether or not that means moving to Denver, she will get the hint that you are here to stay and come around to it eventually.
Also, if she continues to be mean after you talk to her, I would have your boyfriend talk to hers. Its worth a try!
Post # 7
Sounds like a bitch and she just wants to compete with you in the family. I say screw her. I wouldnt even waste my time trying to talk to her about it, its already clear how she is and has no interest in a relationship, why bother. I’d treat her exactly how she treats me and definitely not let her get to me, and make sure to be SUPER nice to her in front of everyone. You can still have a great relation with the family despite her.
Post # 8
ouch! she is hurtful! I am sorry you are going through this. xoxo All I can say is from experience, after i was with my Fiance for about two years, one of his sisters FINALLY got over his ex. she used to always say things to me on purpose.. oh “ex” would always do this, or do you knwo what “ex” is doing. finally one day I had to say did you know “ex” got married? I always wanted to say though.. didnt you know “ex” cheated on your brother and he saw! she was always incredibly rude and Fiance finally saw, and he was like dont let her bother you they only even met a few times as sister lived in another state when he was with her.
After we had enough times of being together, alone, or just a few of us, she finally started becoming warm. Now I can say after 5.5 years we have a GREAT relationship, I never told her she was upsetting me, it was only that one comment I stood up to her with.
I am hoping if you move to Denver she will really see how amazing you are and she will get over try to, “be the favorite DIL”
Sorry she sounds so petty and SNEAKY being all nice in front of everyone else!
Post # 9
Obviously she felt insecure about her role in the family when you met, and she is still trying to assert her role and make herself seem like the favorite. She probably is not that secure of a person, and acting like a b**ch to you makes her feel good.
30 is way too old to act petty like this to someone 24, so even though she hurts you, instead of going to bed crying when you have encounters with her, why not go to bed smiling that you are not as insecure inside as she obviously is?
This situation would suck. The best thing I can tell you is that when your wedding eventually rolls around, put her at the table furthest away.
Post # 10
@MrsNeutrino: <– This.
Ever heard the saying “Don’t throw pearls at swine”. She doesn’t like you and its not your job to find out why. If she’s rude outright, I agree that you should call her out on it. But do not have you Boyfriend or Best Friend speak to his brother about this. That will cause more drama. What do you think she’s going to all of a sudden go “I’ve seen the errors of my ways and I’ve have been a bitch! Let’s make amends” Umm no. She already knows that. She gets off doing this.
However, you are giving her the power to hurt you. Just continue to civil but stop trying to get to know her. She doesn’t care.
As long as you have the support of your FH (and thankfully he sees whats goign on) then thats all that matters. Let her keep being a bitch.
Post # 11
@cecoulter22: . She knows what she is doing. She is vindictive and narcassistic. Ignore her. Feeling hurt feeds her. The best way to hurt her is to ‘move on’ and let her continue being bitter.
She is the one with the problem. Not you. You are just someone easy. Seriously I would talk to her one and one and tell her how you feel and let her know sher BIL knows and you will not tolerate her bitchiness.
What does your Future Brother-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law think? Would they believe you? Seriously can you tell them what is going on?
Post # 12
Post # 13
She is jealous and feeling threatened. She was “in the family” first, and doesn’t want you to take her spotlight away with the in-laws. I’d just kill her with kindness and let her know that you are not going to back down. If you give up on your dream of moving to Denver and let your relationship fall apart due to her, she wins.
Post # 14
Don’t let her frustrate you. She doesn’t have to like you if she doesn’t want to. Throughout life you’re going to encounter a lot of people that don’t treat you the way that you treat them and you just got to suck it up and move on. Be cordial with her but don’t pay her any more attention than is necessary. If you do it gives her more ammunition to treat you badly. If she sees that you are trying to get her attention or trying to get her to like you she will do the total opposite.
I remember when I was younger and got a parttime job. There was this girl that was very popular and I tried to be her friend. I would ask her questions and she wouldn’t answer me, or I would be walking out the door behind her and she would close it in my face and I use to wonder what the hell did I do to her. The minute I stop trying to be friends with her besides walking in the room and being cordial then totally ignoring the fact that she was there, her whole attitude changed. She did this with every single new person. I think she really got off on hurting peoples feelings.
My FI’s family loves me. They are all kind to me and hug me and everyone is nice to me except one of his nieces and she is very outspoken. After visit 2 I could tell she didn’t like me and I just say Hi when I walk in and then I speak and catch up with everyone else. I’ve never done anything to her so if she doesn’t like me that’s her choice. Hopefully one day she’ll get over it, if she doesn’t Oh Well.
Post # 15
I have to disagree with a couple of the other posters who dont understand the way you feel, I would feel just like you do, and the way she is treating you is hurtful, mean and it is really unfair. it would totally make me cry to! I would find that so hard to deal with too cause I hate when people dont like me.
I think there are two types of people, people like you who are sensitive and like to be friends and people like your fsil who only seem to care about themselves. Just try and ignore her, eventually youwont even notice her nasty comments any more.
Post # 16
She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I have no advice but I hope things improve. 🙂