- 5 years ago
Y’all must laugh at these posts. Seems like a story…
So if any of you read my posts before you know why my boyfriend’s parents hate me. If not well it’s pretty much my fault. I get that. My boyfriend and I were pretty mad at each other the night before when I suggested to him that he should treat his sister nicer because she came into his room crying and he promptly kicked her out. He said I didn’t understand how things work in his house and that was the end of the conversation, he promptly moved on to a new topic. I felt completely dismissed. It’s one thing not to implement my suggestion, I’m pretty used to that, it’s another to completely shut it down like it was such a ludicrous thing to say. And it’s not the first time he’s done it and it’s not the first time we’ve fought about it so I was fed up. It was my fault however that I completely shut down on him and refused to talk to him the next day. We usually spend Sundays with his family, I help his sister out with her studies. This Sunday however I just didnt want to put up with his pretense crap. To me, I get not wanting to discuss something in front of them, I dont get him knowing I’m mad and not saying let’s go talk outside for a minute not let’s put on a play for my parents that everything’s ok and because I wouldn’t play along he’s seething mad making him do more things that have me even more shut in.
Hmm…how to explain this.
Now I’m usually a pretty quiet person. Especially at his parents house. I come from a small nuclear family and I’m the youngest so all I’ve ever really known are adults. His family is pretty large and mostly women, so think noise, crying and drama on a pretty regular basis. I try to be Switzerland. It’s not always easy. His mom would be screaming at his sister if she didn’t do something right like put the cheese in a macaroni pie instead of make a cheese sauce. And then turn around and ask me if she’s right. Weird place to put me in so I’d just smile and nod most of the time desparately clinging to my Switzerland title. Sigh.
But this Sunday I was mad. I’ll be totally honest. I get why they hate me, but (and I dont care what you bees say) it’s not entirely my fault. My boyfriend knew I was upset and he let the situation escalate. He askes me if i wanted something to drink, I said no. He asked me if I knew who Jane Elliot was , I said yes you told me about her before. He pulled out some wine thing he bought me and just rested in on the table in front me. He did it like if to say to me “ok well you should leave if you’re being so cold me” without actually saying anything to me. He put on a video for his mom, he talked to his sister, his dad, he played video games on his phone and sat on the opposite side of the room. We are both acting like idiots here. Its obvious her son was mad at me too. He chose not to sit next to me, there was time he spoke about me like I wasnt in the room and when lunch came he didn’t even ask me if I would like to eat. He just sat there with his mom. She asked me if everything was ok. Now in my head, my boyfriend is supposed to do the pressing albeit not in front of his family but he is so wrapped up in this play that he doesn’t care. I told her yes I’m ok I’m just having a long day and I’m tired. True because I had a few more tutees to see after this and one before that was having personal problems at home and that messed me up a bit. She asked why I wasn’t laughing as much. Granted they were all discussing a video of an experiment on racism, not particularly funny but I should be laughing? So I said, not really anything to laugh. She she stuck her tongue out at me and then I burst out laughing. We talked later about a concert for church and how one of the elders wasn’t listening to anyone else’s suggestions, based on what she described I agreed and told her in my church its more of a collaborative effort so I get why no-one wants to go this concert. I ate lunch. She had a big blowout with her daughter about one kicking the other in the face (my boyfriend thinks its so normal, i thinks he crazy) and it was super awkward so then I left, thanked her for lunch, she made a joke about it not being lunch because it was five o’clock we laughed and I pet the dog and left.
To my boyfriend I was cold, rude and distant. Apparently I wasn’t a good actress in his play. I agree with him not bringing issues in front of them. But he was so concerned with them that he totally forgot me. He was busy putting on his play so everyone wouldnt see that we didn’t like each other very much instead of fixing the actual issue. Like everything, it’s a 50/50 two way street kind of deal. We’re both idiots as I said. But his parents seem only focused on me. I was cold rude and distant to them and they don’t even want to see me. I asked him to apologize to his mom before we even got back together but he says she needs time. So if I cant say I’m sorry and make amends then nothing gets fixed. What kind of relationship is that if our families hate our partners after one mistake? Refuse to even let them apologize for that mistake. I get hating me. But it seems like they want to stick to that. Like I stopped being this perfect little mouse their son was dating and started being…human, and they wrote me off. The way my boyfried described my behaviour I get why they’d be upset. But the way he said it wasn’t the way I said it, the way he did it wasnt the way I did it and it wasn’t as if I made no attempt to make them comfortable I just didnt do it like he thought I should. Because I should know that telepathically somehow. Perception is everything, and in this case its my enemy. Now because they have this perception of me I’m an outcast. Just to his parents, his sisters are pretty chill. But recently him me his sister and her boyfriend went out and we didn’t get back to my place till midnight. I was fully prepared to taxi my way home alone since I knew his parents still hated me. But my boyfriend was fully assuming his dad would take me home. Low and behold he let us all taxi it to my place and then he came to my place to take them home. My boyfriend said for him it would be a much easier ride, so he doesn’t have to make two trips…but he still had to make the same two trips from my house and from theirs it just excluded me from the car!
I don’t know what to do, I’m damned if I do, damned if I dont and stuck in a past with them that me and my boyfriend have discussed to death how much of total idiots WE were, what WE should have done differently and what WE could do next time. But his parents still blame, hate and won’t even see me. It’s been a week, the least I could do is apologize because I still have to prove I could change my behaviour but if I’m never given the chance to do either then who’s to say I won’t perpetually be the hated one. His family looks at all the things they’ve done for me but I’ve done my share too. It’s not a tit for tat it’s just how relationships go. When his mom needed money to go see the dentist just a few weeks prior, I made sure she got it. When his mom needed some meds, I bought them. His sister needed help in her studies, I did it. She needed some dresses, I gave her mine. His dad was looking for work, I pulled every vacancy we could find, gave him resume tips. His parents anniversary came, we all chipped in and bought them presents and we celebrated together. We’ve been like a family. Maybe I got too comfortable. Maybe they still dont know me and don’t know why i acted like I acted just like I may not fully understand why they reacted and are reacting like they are reacting.
I can’t help but feel like the worst girlfriend, a total outcast, a horrible influence and a bad person. My boyfriend says they dont hate me they are just upset and dont want to deal with me right now. I’m writing this to you all as a way to help me patiently wait until they are ready to let me apologize and work towards getting back to where we were. They’ve done a lot for me and I’m grateful, I’ve tried to do the same. But this wasn’t about them, it was about us and our stupid play. And I’m paying for it.
It’s hard for me to open up to his mom though I’ve realized. Only because I just lost mine. Maybe she felt like we were close and my behaviour just shattered that perception for her. But she still doesn’t know me, some things are just characteristic to who I am. And I’m tired of feeling like I need to be who his parents want me to be to make them feel comfortable. I told my boyfriend there are just some things no matter how hard we work on them we are just gonna have to accept about each other or this won’t work. He agreed. He would let his mom and me figure out our relationship instead of trying to control it and understand that my background makes me different from his family but not a threat to his family and not a bad person. Just different.
Yes this was long but y’all judge when its too long, not paragraphed then judge when u dont have the whole story and think u can make a proper judgement from a summary. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
So what you think I should do bees? Right now I’m praying on it, to be as humble as possible so I could keep the apology fresh and sincere when they are ready for it but also for the strength and wisdom to respect that if they dont want me around that’s there prerogative and some mistakes you just pay a lifetime for. But I can’t help but feel its entirely fair.