(Closed) My boyfriend's family hates me

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
7624 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

To everyone asking: she is 24 and he is 26 (hard to believe but this is from one of her previous posts).

“He askes me if i wanted something to drink, I said no. He pulled out some wine thing he bought me and just rested in on the table in front me. He did it like if to say to me “ok well you should leave if you’re being so cold me” without actually saying anything to me.”

I feel like this sums up your terrible communication. Per a different paragraph you said he normally gets you your drinks so he probably knew that your “no” was a passive aggressive no and then when he brought you a drink they he purchased specifically for you, you took it as “LEAVE!” 

If you won’t break up, at least go to counseling (as many bees suggested to you two months ago).

 

Post # 17
Member
4233 posts
Honey bee

What does your BF suggest about your reconciling with his parents?

Post # 18
Member
5362 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

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MrsBeck :  holy shit… She is my age, that’s embarrassing. 

Post # 20
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee

 

You need to fix your relationship with your bf before even thinking of addressing issues with his family. If you guys aren’t a united front, you have no chance.

But seriously, he screamed at you in a public place and threw your ring… you need to spend some time by yourself reflecting on why you’re ok with tolerating someone treating you badly. Because it’s not ok. He sounds completely enmeshed with his family, he probably told them how he broke up with you and yet here you are, coming back for more. No wonder they are keeping you at an arms length. They are following his lead. 

Your problem is 100% with your bf, not his family.

Post # 21
Member
1807 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I usually try very hard to understand each poster’s problem – and come up with a thoughtful response – but in your case all I can think is ‘how old are these two?’ You guys sound like 14 year olds – ignoring each other, playing video games, etc.  I hate to break this to you, but if you’re anywhere over 22, it’s time to grow up. If you’re complaining of minor shit like your boyfriend ignoring you, how to hell are you going to deal with real issues like a sick child, house payments, losing a job, breast cancer, or any of the other real problems that couples end up facing together? You guys can’t even pull your head out of your ass long enough to go talk to each other.

If this family acts the way you say they do, I doubt you have to say anything to them – they seem to be mad and scream at each other one minute and are fine the next. So just drop it – I assume they have too

also – get a backbone and have some opinions. No one wants you to be Switzerland – you look like you just agree with everyone and have no mind of your own. If you have an opinion then say it!

Post # 22
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Everyone in this situation is childish, immature and probably incapable of fixing any of this. Cut your losses, fiancé sounds like a serious controlling ass, the family is too involved also. Id get the fuck out of that mess. 

Post # 23
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

This whole posts sounds very….. Young and dumb. 

Post # 24
Member
1807 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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camenae :  OH! This is THAT couple. I figured they had broken up awhile back. So she’s back for more abuse huh?

Honest to God I hope they stay together because they seem to enjoy the drama that the other causes. She ignores him, he ignores her… Sounds like a fun time. I wonder why she’s so adamant about staying with him? You don’t have kids, a house, etc together. Why not just break up now and go for someone who treats you with some respect? If you continue to be with him, you have to ask yourself why you enjoy being treated this way? Why don’t you feel you deserve a better relationship than this?

Post # 26
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
mrsthomas2017 :  

I’m not going to comment on the childishness of the original fight (because I think you already know that, and if you don’t enough bees have surely told you by now), but I will comment on the point of your current post.

You guys may have worked out your issues, but you have to remember that his family…and your family…and your friends, etc. don’t know your entire relationship. They don’t hold on to or care about all of those times you were nice to each other and your relationship was perfect. But they DEFINITELY remember you two screaming at each other in the middle of their neighborhood a couple weeks ago. And him throwing your ring at you. And you breaking your engagement.

This is why people often suggest that you should never include family and friends in your personal relationship business. It’s the negative that they’re going to hold on to. So in time his family might be able to get over this and think of you the way they once did, but it’s definitely not going to happen overnight.

Also, if I were you OP I would consider why he doesn’t want you to even approach his family to try and make things right. Is it because maybe he isn’t confident that this will last?

Post # 27
Member
4233 posts
Honey bee

 

View original reply
mrsthomas2017 :  

I think you both are right to apologize irl. If sickness or logistics stand in the way, write a heartfelt note (much like your reply to me) with a gift card to a restaurant where you can plan a visit soon. One set of parents at a time. But dont forget to apologize to each other. Your mishandling things there put family in the splash zone. Just my $0.02.

 

Post # 28
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t worry about his family. It is important to have a good relationship with your spouses family but its not a priority. Your priority is a good relationship with you boyfriend. As long as you guys have those riddiculus problems and fights, you will never have a good relationship with his family. His family sees your relationship not working properly hence they will never truly accept it or you. 

Work on your relationship first. And I mean really work. Only then worry about making it good with his family. 

Post # 29
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
amb1030 :  This but I admit that I couldn’t even make it through all of that….

Post # 30
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

I’m not going to repeat PPs about the fight, but I would really like you to consider that it should not be THIS hard in your relationship before you even get married. 

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