(Closed) My boyfriend's family hates me

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee

Stay broken up, take some time to mature and learn how to communicate and not take the type of crap this guy is dishing you.

Post # 33
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
mrsthomas2017 :  I have never seen anyone beat a dead horse the way you are beating this dead horse.

Post # 34
Member
587 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t read this all, because it’s boring as hell and just sounds like child games. If you were in such a fight and weren’t talking, you should’ve just left in the first place instead of playing that acting game. What the hell…

Post # 35
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

But…you did it again Bee. 

Everyone on here told you last time that it was a mistake to fight in front of his family. Then you did it again. His mom asked you if you were ok again. You lied again. You both ended up looking like completely immature idiots in front of his family again. Except he’s THEIR immature idiot so he’ll be forgiven. But you? You’re just making it worse and worse for yourself. Plus you told him you were working on not shutting down and actually talking to him and then you did that again too. 

I hate to say this again Bc I think you only see it as ‘pilling more of it on you’ instead of ‘damn there could be something to this’ but you REALLY need to work on yourself before you can expect any of this to change. 

Post # 36
Member
11 posts
Newbee

A lot of bees have already given you some pretty invaluable advice… But it seems like you’re only cherry-picking the ones you want to listen to.

If 9/10 people tell you that your boyfriend doesn’t treat you well, that you have very passive-aggressive tendencies, and that you should really take a break and work on your respective selves first, then don’t you think you should give that suggestion some thought instead of immediately and completely disregarding it? 

Think of it this way, no amount of cosmetic repair will keep a building from crumbling if the foundation isn’t stable. 

Post # 37
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

This sounds like the relationship I was in when I was 19. Move on

Post # 38
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Since you don’t want to hear “this needs to be over” I won’t say it. 

I will say this is WAY WAY WAY too much drama. This would be understandable maybe in a teenage relationship but it is something that should be far in the past at this point in your lives.  Add in that his family seems really involved in your dating relationship, and that he has made it clear he will choose them everytime. And he appears to act like a dick when it comes to you.

There is nothing romantic about this. The love is not sweeter because it comes with so much fight. It is dysfunctional. It is tiring. And one day you are going to wake up exhausted and wondering why you spent so much of your youth on this, and on this man who did not deserve it. Yes, your communication sucks, but I also expect part of that is you are in this dysfunctional cycle and your eyes have not been opened to how much better things can be in a healthy relationship, with a healthy partner. Instead you are both feeding off the dysfunction because at least it is something, because these emotional dramas give you something to focus on, because when things are “patched up” you feel renewed temporarily, like you two can “get through anything”. But you aren’t acknowledging the truth all of these dramas are manufactured by yourselves. That it is not a sign of strength that you got through them, but weakness you had them in the first place. 

If you are not going to leave, then you two absolutely need to get into counseling, and for you add in some individual counseling as well, or what is going on now is just a small example of things to come.

Post # 39
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

For the record, OP, you can’t post something on the Internet and say certain aspects of the post (you staying with your boyfriend) “are not up for scrutiny.” You do you, but public posts are up to readers to scrutinize at will. That’s the Internet.

Post # 41
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

What is it that motivates you to stay in the relationship? This sounds like something that will be extremely difficult to rectify, and if you get married and these people become your inlaws, it is going to be a lifelong battle and a huge sore spot. It is clear you don’t think that’s an option, but why not?

Post # 42
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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mrsthomas2017 :  I didn’t tell you what not to say. I told you not to waste your time asking “What should I do?” and then specifying you don’t think people should answer that question a certain way. You can say whatever you want, just expect responses that reflect the same principle.

For the record, your post is so defensive towards the people you’re asking advice from, it seems to me that you’re just seeking validation for whatever it is you want to hear. That’s not really seeking advice. You behaved like a child and people are suggesting that you take time to develop as an adult. I think that’s really good advice. You don’t have to agree, but I’m going to be blunt and say you shouldn’t expect lots of drastically different responses. Some self-reflection is key; we are the same age and I would’ve guessed you are ten years younger than me based on your perspective on relationships and conflict. That should say something.

Anyways, I’m not trying to be mean. I’m aware that these responses may seem harsh from your standpoint. But the recurrent theme is immaturity in yourself and your relationship and saying “NEXT” when you get a sensible response you disagree with isn’t going to help your case.

Post # 43
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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mrsthomas2017 :  I’m sorry, I couldn’t read that through.  I’ve seen some other of your posts, shorter ones.  I agree with PP who said, “It shouldn’t be this hard”.    That was also some of the best advice I ever got from my dad.  He was right.  I never did marry that man. Looking back, I know that if we would have married, it wouldn’t have lasted.

I ended up marrying someone else, and we’ve been married over 33 years.  

 

Post # 44
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

It was pretty hard to get through your post, to be honest, but I want to respond to this part:

“And I’m tired of feeling like I need to be who his parents want me to be to make them feel comfortable.”

Not openly fighting or sulking in front of your SO’s parents isn’t acting, it’s about being polite and not bringing them into your personal conflicts. You are upset that they’re judging you based on your behavior when you and your SO were fighting, but you’re the ones who brought them into that in the first place by fighting in front of them. It’s not about them not accepting who you are, it’s about having appropriate boundaries with parents, and being a united front.

It sounds like you also asked your boyfriend to apologize to his parents for you? But you should be apologizing to them yourself, in person, if you’re really concerned about having a good relationship with them.

Post # 45
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee

This sounds like a very complicated, confusing, dramatic relationship. I read that you’re not interested in leaving, so my honest recommendation is to take some time to sit and reflect. Figure out exactly what you want your relationship to look like, what you need in a partner, and what type of partner you are committed to being. Then see whether you think this relationship can meet that goal without forcing it.

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