(Closed) My boyfriend's family hates me

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 46
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

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creativeplannertobee :   Your dad is a very smart man. I wish more girls got told that. When relationship’s default setting is “hard” things aren’t going to be very good. What’s the point?  Unlike what the awesome song says, love is not meant to be a battlefield. 

Post # 47
Member
2842 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Honestly, your whole situation is a huge MESS. There is literally no better word for it. I couldn’t even finish reading your post because I was so blown away from the immaturity on all sides. It’s dysfunctional and it is NOT a healthy relationship in the least. You need to take a big step back and take a long hard look at everything. You both have a lot of growing up to do before you even THINK about marriage. Children have no business getting married….

Post # 48
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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mrsthomas2017 :  You should not be dating this guy and you should not be engaged to be married. Neither one of you has anywhere near the level of maturity needed for a successful relationship. You are both acting like children who do not know how to communicate, compromise, and move on. You freeze out your fiancé, argue in front of other people, break up. You really need to grow up before entering into a relationship. But, I’m sure this will be ignored. So, best of luck in this childish and drama-filled relationship. 

Post # 49
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I give you PP’s a lot of credit for being able to discern the meaning behind that first post. It was such a mess that I had a hard time making sense of the narrative.

My advice is to leave your boyfriend, and to either seek counseling, or to spend a lot of time reading about effective communication and coping skills. Things will not get better in this relationship unless you’re both willing to do a complete 180.

Post # 50
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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mrsthomas2017 :  too long. Only read the first part… But, immediately I thought to myself… He dismisses what you have to say, and you are used to it.  That’s what you said. Marriage isn’t going to change him. Get out now before it’s too late. Get out while you are not as invested in this relationship! He’s a boy and will always be a boy.

Post # 51
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee

 

For crying out loud my teenage son and his girlfriend have less drama going on.

Post # 52
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

Pay them a casual visit and apologized to his parents for your behavior towards them in their house. There is no need of a “formal and elaborated” apology. If they forgive you or not it is their business. You’ve already done the decent thing: apologize.

But in all honesty I do not think his parents hate you. I think they have this gut feeling that your relationship with your BF won’t last. So they are avoiding you. Maybe your BF vented to them after you left, telling them what really happened that got you angry, and suggesting he was tired of it. Maybe they just assume your relationship will end soon -maybe your BF told them so.

Your parents do not need to hear an apology. They won’t trust your BF again, and will be forever suspicious of his love for you. The best you can do is ask your BF to be a good partner to you and hope you’ll parents will see he is truth.

Focus on your relationship with BF. You both have a lot of problems, and until tou become a healthy and strong relationship your both families will continue to assume you’re not serious.

Post # 53
Member
2305 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

[content moderated for baiting, snark]

Post # 54
Member
6906 posts
Busy Beekeeper

 

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mrsthomas2017 :  Okay, so my personal opinion is that this relationship is done for and you’re better off without him.  The whole story comes off as extremely childish.  My opinion on your last post was that he was threatening and patronizing and you are better off without him, your own communication issues aside.  

However since you still want to do this thing, here is my advice:

1.  Write a sincere letter of apology if you feel you need to apologize to them. It should not be about his behavior at all, only yours.  You shouldn’t be sorry for having an argument with him, but you should be sorry for putting them all in the middle by sulking at their house.  That’s uncomfortable for everyone.  And for heaven’s sake, get an English major to proofread it for you.  No offense but you write in stream of consciousness and I am certain that you will ramble on to the point of confusion.  Get someone to help you be concise.

2. Go to relationship counseling.  Both of you.  Learn how to argue.  Learn how to put things aside until a more appropriate time.  Learn to separate being mad about ‘this thing’ from living regular life.  When I’m mad at a student who behaves inappropriately at work, I don’t hold a grudge against them for hours on end.  I still thank them for good behavior (such as offering to get you a drink) and suggest they try again next time if they’re just unable to concentrate enough to earn their sticker for the day.  I’m not suggesting a sticker chart for your boyfriend, but I am suggesting that when you are mad about ___, you don’t take it out on him in every other aspect of your life.  You simply discuss ____ later.  Alone.

3. Stop sulking when things aren’t going your way.  Stop punishing everyone around you when you’re annoyed at your boyfriend.  He wasn’t “playing” life was fine.  He was trying to reduce the level of awkwardness you were creating with your sulk.  What a horrid atmosphere for everyone to be forced in.  You really should just go home if you’re feeling like that – you’re not doing anyone any favors by sticking around killing the mood.

4.  No it’s not fair that everyone in his family can argue and be jerks but the minute you do it you’re pushed aside.  Fair is fair.  It’s probably due to your method of arguing.  They sound more like a blowout and the skies clear whereas you’re a gloomy fog all day.  It’s probably hard to understand.  But that’s something that can be discussed in future.

5.  You broke up.  If I were his parents, I wouldn’t put much stock in your return either. You two will have to prove you’re in it for the long haul this time.  If you can’t do that – case in point it’s been 2 weeks and you’re already fighting again – then no one is going to care that you are back, no one is going to worry about your apologies and no one is going to make an effort to make you feel welcome again.  As far as they can tell, there’s still a foot out the door.  Repairing that is going to take time and you will have to be patient.

Post # 55
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee

Lost me about a paragraph in. Sounds all pretty immature and childish. I don’t know why you two are still together. Relationships are supposed to make you happy.

 

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AORiver15 :  Motivation: Drama.

Sorry but no one in their right mind would be aruging with their SO INFRONT of family.

Post # 56
Member
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I literally tried to read this and couldn’t understand. What the eff?

Post # 57
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

If you come across in person the same way you do in your post(s) I can see why they don’t like you.

You asked for people to take the time and effort to read you post (which was an absolute shitshow by the way) and give you advice but you were rude, immature and defensive BEFORE anyone even commented. Do you seriously think behaviour like that endears you to anyone? 

I commented on your other thread that your communication skills were absolutely ridiculous and you obviously didn’t listen but I’ll try again.

STOP FIGHTING IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY. Stop these fucking stupid ass games you both play to ‘one up’ each other, stop with everything being so fucking DRAMATIC. Just STOP.

You can’t do anything about his family, they hate you and you keep handing them reasons to continue on a silver platter. The only way to possibly rectify this is by changing your attitude and being better partners to each other and let them come around once they can see you’ve both decided to grow up. Good luck. 

Post # 58
Member
1790 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club

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mrsthomas2017 :  would some sort of counseling or meeting with church based leader be possible?

seems you take in a lot of the blame, and also are very fed up about a lot of the things that happen between you two. Maybe counseling would help in discussing issues in a safe, neutral area? 

I know break up is not an option, so maybe relationship counseling can help strengthen it, see what it is that you both want from this relationship now, as it can become way worse if issues are not discussed and worked on.

best to you both. 

Post # 59
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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averria :  My ex SIL used to have screaming matches with her then husband in front of us all, including their kids! It was horribly awkward.

Post # 60
Member
3679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I have to give props to the other posters who were able to comprehend that post. I literally have no idea what I just read. 

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