My boyfriend's family is really rude…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

You shouldn’t feel selfish for having some doubts about marrying your boyfriend due to his family, especially if they are often a part of your life. It’s really rough being around people that are abrasive and hurtful, especially when you try the best you can to fit in. I don’t think, if the mother is a narcissist, that confronting her will be the best approach. That type of person just often isn’t open to hearing other people or seeing their own faults. It might be more stress than it is worth. What has your boyfriend said about these feelings? Has he considered talking to his mother with you about it? Maybe she’d be willing to hear you with the support of his words. I was in a sort of position where my boyfriend, now fiance, had to speak up for his family to realize how important I was to them. It changed my relationship with his family for the best and we all started new with each other.  I agree that you shouldn’t have to be around people that don’t treat your or your loved one well, and as much as you don’t want to cut them out, maybe the best route is to just limit your visits with them for now. 

Post # 3
Member
3443 posts
Sugar bee

What does your husband expect your relationship to be like if you guys get married? Does he expect you and his mom to be besties? If so, that is a huge problem. On the other hand, if he expects to handle all family communications himself, and you to attend periodic dinners/holidays/etc. where you just need to smile and nod and be polite, it may not be a problem.

Post # 4
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Nepal

blonde92 :  I know how you feel as my husband’s family sounds very similar. Unfortunately, there are only 3 undesirable outcomes; you just tolerate them to appease your boyfriend, your boyfriend cuts ties with his family or you walk. In my situation, my husband (FI at the time) recognized their behavior and came to the conclusion on his own that he didn’t want their toxicity in his life anymore. It’s been 3.5 years and he is still confident that he made the right decision and will not engage them at all unless there are significant changes on their end. It’s tough, no one wants to disown their family but at the same time, just because they are family doesn’t mean they have a right to be in your life. How does your boyfriend feel about them? Is he is upset because of your feelings towards them or does he recognize that they negatively impact his life regardless of who he is dating?

Post # 6
Member
5025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t think you should confront his Mom rather you need to speak with your SO to see if he agrees with how perceive his family and if he does you can work together to create healthy boundaries.  If he doesn’t agree, does not see that there is a problem then you should seriously take this into consideration before marrying into the family.

Post # 7
Member
6944 posts
Busy Beekeeper

blonde92 :  Does your Boyfriend or Best Friend still live at home? How old are both of you? 

Post # 9
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

There is NOTHING you cann do but stay away from them. Stop going over.  Stop trying to please them. Let them talk crap but atleast out of mind out of sight. If your bf want to visit his family and get abused thats his life. Dont get dragged in because you love . Love yourself first. He SHOULD understand why you wont go over anymore. Nd you can pick up the pieces when he gets home. Oh your family was mean tp you? Thats why i dont go over anymore. Little little he wont want to without you and little by little he will give them more space. 

Post # 10
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My FI’s dad and stepmom are like this. We actually lived with them for a few months and I got so depressed because these people were SO toxic. It ruined our relationship. I don’t see them more than once a month, more if I can help it. I love my fiancé, so I wouldn’t dump him over his family. I just will have more control over visits with them when kids come into the picture- I refuse to let anyone treat me or hypothetical kids like they treat their family (All behind their backs of course!). 

Post # 11
Member
2406 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

It isn’t a long term cure, but one way to nip it in the moment, is to agree. My SIL always bitches about not having enough money, and she has as much as anyone in her position, things are tough all over. 

When she was sadly lamenting once, I said “that is terrible. You are in a sad situation. I don’t know how you manage. If I was as poor as you, I would be pissed.” She pretty much shut up. 

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