(Closed) My bridesmaid bailed

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

So sorry to hear that. 🙁

 

…also, Tiberius is about the cutest thing ever.

Post # 5
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You sounded so nice when you told her to just be honest with you but you’re secretly mad, hurt at her.

Just because YOU would go into debt for someone doesn’t mean that someone should go into debt for you. I would NOT go into debt for someone, especially not the cost of a flight, accomodations and a dress…

Post # 6
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m actually on the same boat…I’m planning a destination wedding in Thailand and a friend from since I was 12 was giving me doubts. She’s going to be in her residency but that’s the point…I let her know that it’ll be in August 2013 and to please make arrangements to come.

She’s expecting not to pay for the dress, flight, hotel, nothing really because in the past she stood for her sisters and they paid for everything. (Her last sister dished out over $1000 to pay for her Bridesmaid or Best Man gear). I was really hurt when she told me that it’d be too expensive for her. She’s flown out to attend a weddings with her BFs, so I feel pretty bummy about having her go to her BF’s friend’s weddings without a hitch.

Another friend who is juggling between jobs told me that she’d be there, no questions asked. This is a teacher, when my friend above is a doctor.

I hope I don’t get bitter. She’s been skeptical of my relationship with my Fiance and that enough is pretty tough. I hope you find a happy resolve, OP! Please keep us updated.

Post # 7
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry this happened to you, but you approached it all the right way and good for you for acting like an adult with the way you approached her.  But at the end of the day, what can you do?  Flights can be expensive and she just can’t swing it.  But still so sorry you went through all this….

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Aww that sucks ((HUGS)) but Tiberius is about freaking adorable! At least he knows how to recover properly 😉

We had friends come home after a year of not seeing them, so we partied hard Saturday. I slept for like 12 hours recovering on Sunday while hubs played golf with the boys. He couldn’t fall asleep right away like I did, so he drank a half gallon of tea and ate and felt fine waking up the next day, while all the other guys were hungover. We definitely can’t party like we used to!

Post # 9
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@vmec: I’m not certain that’s why she is upset. It seems like she is more peeved over the lack of communication than the fact that she isn’t going to be in the wedding. If I had a bridesmaid that left me hanging at the end when I asked her over and over if she was going to be involved I’d probably be a little miffed as well.

Post # 10
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I know this is rough, I had a friend of many years bail on me as well….but, her friendship was something I really valued so I eventually just had to forgive and move on.  Turns out, months after the fact, I found out the real reason she had to bail and it completely made sense.

I know she’s had 8 months to save, but heck…it doesn’t matter if you have 2 years to save, if you’re sucking financially, then you’re sucking.  My hubs has been out of work for almost a year now.  So, it doesn’t matter if we had a year to save up to go to a destination wedding, it’s just not gonna happen because the money isn’t there to begin with.  Yes, we have money in savings, but I’m not going to take our emergency fund/savings to pay to attend a destination wedding we can’t afford in the first place.  Your friend’s finances are her business, not yours.  If you truly want to let this friendship go, then do…but I urge you to try to get past the hurt & anger.  You are putting your friend in a very bad spot.  She says she doesn’t want to risk it by putting money on a card or taking it out of savings and you are hurt by that.  Did you ever stop to consider that if she does take money out of savings or uses a credit card, then she won’t be able to pay rent, eat, have living expenses, etc. if she hits a really rough time?  In a sense, you’re mad her her for putting her well being above your wedding…if you look at it from that point of view, then you are letting her down.  I don’t believe a good friend would put another friend in even more of a financial stress.  I’m sorry to sound harsh, but being in a financial tough spot myself, I can sympathize with your friend.

Post # 10
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m sorry to hear your friend won’t be joining you.

I’m on the other end of this.  I’m the friend who consistently can’t go to weddings, and while I feel bad, I just can’t justify what is often $600 minimum per event between flight, airfare, etc. if not more, and $400 per bachlorette party.  I feel bad, but part of how we are able to swing me being in school and both being self employed, while staying out of debt and trying to save for a house in a super expensive areas is by being super cheap when it comes to making choices about money. If we weren’t as select as we are with our spending, we would never be able to accomplish our bigger life goals like being in a position to have kids sooner rather than later.

Of course, I will probably spend less on my own wedding than it would have cost me to simply attend one of my friend’s Destination Wedding, and I am not excpecting my friends to make it to my informal event if they can’t afford it. 

It all comes down to what people are comfortable with. The last few years have been very rough on everyone financially. We have really had to get intentional with how we spend our money, and while I feel bad that some friends have been offended we haven’t made it to their events, our financial values and realities haven’t always matched up.  I think it is particularly hard since many of my friends are in pretty well paying jobs (one of which I helped her to get after over a year and a half of unemployment!) or have family finances backing them up. 

Post # 11
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

One of my bridesmaids and 1 of my ring bearers dropped out 3 weeks before my wedding. It’s my cousin & her son. My Maid/Matron of Honor (whom is also my aunt) bailed a few hours before my ceremony so – could be worse. At least yours finally came clean so you’re prepared. And youre right about not caring what your pics look like for the whole “unbalanced” look in them. My pics came out beautifully and I didn’t care how many were in each photo.

Post # 12
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i had a similar thing with a Bridesmaid or Best Man. this Bridesmaid or Best Man even bought her dress and everything and kept INSISTING she was coming NO MATTER WHAT!  but when it came time to buy the plane tickets, she bailed because some of her plans had changed for what she wanted to do in 6 months.  i couldn’t argue with that, but obviously i was upset!

so i really truly understand how you feel and i know how much it sucks.  alll i can say from  my experience is that ON your wedding day you WILL feel amazing and be surrounded by so much love from the people who ARE there, that it won’t matter anymore that she wasn’t.

Post # 14
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Mrs. Gremmlin: I totally see where you are coming from, and I understood your frustration in the right context. My Maid/Matron of Honor is flying in from Italy to be in the wedding, and if she said “I can’t come…it’s too expensive,” I would never be upset. If she reassured me over and over that it was fine and then backed out on short notice, then I’d be pissed. I just want the straight answer right away and so did you. I get it. You have a good reason to be frustrated, so just allow yourself to be frustrated for a little while and then let it go. It takes a lot of energy to stay mad and it’s usually not worth it.

Also, I need to get a new pet so I can name it Tiberius. What a cute little snug-nugget!

Post # 15
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

@ Miss. Gremmlin I am so glad you stood up for yourself! It seemed like you were upset about her lack of communication and the fact that she let you down again. I can totally understand why you are upset. If she had just been up front with you things would have been different.

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