Post # 1
Hey Bees. I am so devestated: I asked my best friend from high school to be a brdiesmaid as soon as we started planning the wedding. I was also a bridesmaid in her wedding last year and held up all of my responsibilities and was fully involved with everything – not to mention I gave her a beautiful gift arrangement that I spent weeks creating.
She accepted months ago, and I was thrilled. But just recently she told me that her and her family and other people in her culture are going to Saudi Arabia for some religious retreat for a whole month and she’s not sure if the dates will conflict with the wedding date but she’s hoping to be there for the day of. And now she told me – although nothing is booked in solid yet, that it’d be best for me to just go ahead and CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE!
I am SO hurt. 1 because what kind of friend (a so-called best friend none-the-less) isn’t there for the bride on the day of?; 2 because I’ve never heard of a friend telling someone “Find someone else” and 3 because this wasn’t about just having some random friends standing up there with me and picking 9 or 10. I have 4 bridesmaids. Well, now down to 3. I wanted them to be my lifelong friends who represent the different eras in my life.
And now this is like a slap in the face. What should I do?
Post # 3
It sounds like she’s trying to be nice and let you know early that she won’t be able to make it. I’m not sure why you are so upset? I don’t take it as “find someone else because you are obviously picking random people.” I take it as “I’m not going to be able to make it, so you should find someone else if you need to.” Of course, I wasn’t there, so I don’t know exact context.
Post # 4
I think you are overreacting.
It sounds like she has a really important reason for not being there. How often in one’s life do you get the opportunity to take a trip like that to the Middle East? That’s a really big deal. I know it is your wedding, but honestly? It’s just a wedding. And not her wedding. I think she is doing oyu a favor by telling you well in advance and making sure you know you should pick someone else so that you aren’t left hanging.
Not worth ending a friendship over. Weddings are not the most important thing in the world, and they certainly aren’t if they aren’t your own wedding.
Post # 5
@vanaynay23:It’s not a slap in the face, you’re just emotional from the planning process–it can really take a lot out of you!
She’s trying to do what *she thinks* is best for you. She’s trying to be considerate by not dropping out last minute.
Talk to her. She’s trying to be a good friend and doesn’t realize it’s backfired.
Post # 6
I think being a bridesmaid is a commitment and it sounds like she knows that she will not be able to fully be there for you with her travel commitments up in the air. I think its upsetting but you should realize that it is not meant to be a slap in your face in your relationship with her.
Post # 7
I’m sure she isn’t trying to hurt you on purpose. If I were you, I would leave her spot open since it was reserved for her. There is no need to find a *replacement* UH I hate it when people do that. Your bridal party does NOT have to be even. It has to be full of the people you want standing with you as your take your vows, whether it’s 1 or 20, whether he has 2 guy and you have 10 gals.
This way if she can make it, then her spot will still be there. I think you may be making this a bigger deal than it really is. Yea it sucks but at least she was upfront and honest about it instead of beating around the bush.
Post # 8
Sounds like the trip in the works with her family is a big deal, and not to sound harsh, but yes, a bigger deal than making sure she is here for your one wedding day. If her religious retreat is a month long, it would really be hard to schedule that around your wedding. I think she is just being nice and giving you a heads up. Can you just go with 3 and see how her plans pan out and see if she will be there for your wedding?
Post # 9
You really need to take a step back and calm down about this, and think about it rationally. I think she’s doing it with your best interests in mind, and you need to be a little more appreciative of this. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision for her to make either.
Telling her she can’t come as a guest if she’s not going to be a bridesmaid is completely ridiculous, and will be a decision you’ll certainly regret later. It will also end the friendship.
Disowning her as a ‘best friend’ is ridiculous as well. I can’t believe this is even an option on your poll.
Get a grip, look at this from another perspective, and calm down.
Post # 10
Let it go and appreciate that she told you now instead of leaving you in a bind. I doesn’t sounds like it was a catty reason at all, in fact she sounds like she was mature about it.
Post # 11
This sounds like a really important reason to miss your wedding. It’s not like she is just vacationing on a whim.
Since this is hurting you so much, perhaps you could explain your feelings to her, but only if you’re capable of being calm and mature about it. Maybe she could explain in more detail why it is important for her to go and then you would feel better about it.
It’s really unfair to call her a ‘so-called’ friend, because she might not be able to make it to your wedding. She is definitely doing the right thing by informing you about it in advance.
Post # 12
@vanaynay23: I think you need to take a step back and take a deep breath. Like some of the bees have said, this religious trip sounds like a HUGE deal to her and it’s very important her. I would try to be understanding and be very very thankful she came to you with ample time.
Post # 13
I understand being upset, but I agree with PP’s that you’re overacting. She’s being nice in giving you a heads up about something that she won’t be able to get out of. She doesn’t want to make a huge committment and then not fulfill her part. Sounds like a good friend and not a bad one.
Post # 14
I think you should have a long bath and a glass of wine. At least she told you now instead of a week before the wedding. Your wedding is important to you, but a trip overseas for a religious retreat is important to her. You can’t hold that against her. You can’t expect her to stop life just for your wedding. I would tell her to have a good time and you can’t wait to share photos with her.
Post # 15
It sounds like shes going to Mecca. I know you may be upset, but if she’s Muslim one of the OBLIGATORY duties you have in your life is to make a pilgrimage to Mecca, so this could be her only chance to go, because Saudi Arabia isnt very friendly about granting people Visas to visit their country.
And to add to that, I absolutely cannot believe one of your poll options is “disown her as a best friend”. Calm down.
Post # 16
I said just let it go and keep the bridal party as is.