(Closed) my bridesmaids aren’t really…bridesmaids.

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

im still 12months from my wedding and i havent experienced anything like this. and i hope i dont. but if i was you i would start being pushy. but not mean. just explain to them that you really need and would like more help.

Post # 5
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Really your bridesmaids’ only job is the buy the dress you want and stand up with you on your wedding day.  Anything else is just bonus!  Unless you’d laid out guidelines as to what you expected before asking them to be bridesmaids, you really don’t have any right to be upset.

Sorry – I know that isn’t what you want to hear but it’s just my honest opinion!

Post # 6
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I hear ya date twin! I feel like that but all mine are local…it’s not that I want them to do a job but just to seem interested in the planning. None of them bring it up or wants to talk about it if I bring it up. Ah well, not much I can do. I’m just talking it over with my mum so I have someone!

Post # 7
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Personally, I would just be direct and make your sister or your local BMs somewhat uncomfortable, LOL! I would say “So here’s my schedule of weekends over the next couple months, we really need to get to planning my shower, have you guys made any decisions yet?”. If you want to have a shower, tell them, and don’t give them a choice about it.

Having long distance BMs is really hard. One of mine is in Vancouver and the other in Kansas, so they haven’t been able to come over and help with projects or come to my showers. Your other local BMs should be stepping up though. Have you told them you need their help with specific tasks? I find that really helps with mine. I delegate very specific items (although I’ve only done that a couple times) because otherwise I think they want to help but don’t know how or where to start.

That being said, I have four (yes FOUR) BMs locally and only two have been a help. One I’ve complained about on here, she’s away all summer on tour and I had to arrange, and rearrange my rehearsal dinner around her twice. The other is just generally really busy, although I know if I said “Hey, can you come over this week and help me with _________” she would show up. She’s just been really quiet about everything. I think each person reacts to being a BM differently, and if they’ve never been a BM before they’re waiting for a cue from you as to what you want them to do and how to help.

Post # 9
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I have to side with FutureKMM – your bridesmaids have one job – show up the day of with their dress. I’m sorry that you’re going through this with your BMs, but the rule of thumb is always that no one else will care as much about your wedding as you do. To you, it’s the most important day of your life. To them, it’s just another wedding.

Are you asking them to help with things and they’re turning you down, or are you just expecting them to offer to help? If they don’t know what your expectations are, they can’t read your mind…asking them for help would definitely let them know that you’re looking to involve them more in the preparation. There are a few who live quite far from you though, so I’m sure it’s difficult for your sister to help you with things on a daily basis.

Sorry that you’re going through this! Hopefully, after you’ve let them know that you need some help, they’ll start to get a little more excited with you.

Post # 10
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Unless your BM’s are getting married or have been married recently they have no idea what really goes into a wedding.

I also agree with FutureKMM Unless you told them jobs they needed to do before you asked them to be BM they really dont need to do anything but buy the dress and stand up

Post # 11
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@JennHasFeet: Have any of your BMs been BMs or married before? It may just be that they don’t really know what you expect from them or how to accomplish what it is you want. Have you expressed that you want a bridal shower or bachelorette party? Have you made arrangements for your bridal party to accompany you to try on dresses or check out venues…or even for a fun weekend to get to know each other? Sometimes you just have to be more vocal (in a nice way) about the things that you would like to have.

I also wanted to add, that sometimes BMs don’t get excited until the wedding is closer. My sister and I have been planning her September 18th wedding since January of this year and it has only been very recently where I can say the other BMs have gotten excited. Some BMs will jump in with both feet and want to be a part of everything…and some just want to pay their money and show up.

Post # 12
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@JennHasFeet: Despite what I’d said before, I cna totally understand the frustration – especially if they are local.  Even though they just have the one job, you’d like to think they’d be interested in helping more.  But like 2PeasinaPod said, unfortunately no one else thinks you wedding is as important as it is to you.

If you have some things (particularly DIY, arts and crafts, envelope stuffing, etc) that you’d like help with, maybe try planning a girls night with movies, popcorn, snacks, wine, etc and have everyone over to work on them together.  Then you can maybe get some help and you can all bond / have fun at the same time.

Post # 14
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I really don’t agree with other’s sentiments that the bridesmaids only job is to wear the dress and stand there the day of. The whole point of being a bridesmaid is to be a friend and a support system for the bride during what will be a very joyous but most likely stressful time in her life. no, I am not saying that they are required to be there until 3am for crafting sessions, or put up with bridezilla moments. Yes, I DO think it is an understood duty of the MOH or other bridesmaid to throw a shower or SOMETHING for the bride. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it doesn’t have to be extravagent. Think about it, the bride could have chosen anyone else to be in her bridal party; it is meant to be a place of honor, as in, “You mean so much to me that I want you by my side”. The bridal shower is the way of thanking her for letting you be a part of her special day.

If all you (as a bridesmaid) care about is wearing the dress and standing there, then the bride should have chosen someone else.

So yes, to answer your original question, perhaps you should hint at them about the shower, but NO I would not put pressure on them about it. if they really don’t want to give you a shower, then that sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. Maybe they all just think that someone else is going to take care of it? I am giving them the benefit of the doubt here. Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My bridesmaids I am not super super close with so they don’t really do much, my sister is my MOH but she is older than me so it’s hard. I feel like I am in this wedding alone most of the time. Sucks sometimes. I really have no one to throw me a shower except my Fiance’s Grandmother which she might  but I am not counting on it.  I wish I had closer friends and really had a great wedding planning experience…  

The topic ‘my bridesmaids aren’t really…bridesmaids.’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors