Post # 1
So my MOH has been asking me for the list of persons I want to invite to the shower. My wedding is still three months out and ive not sent out the invites as yet, ive not even finalised my guest list. well my spidey senses wondered why she want the list so early. well i did a bit of investigation and i’ve found out that she reason she wants the list is to see who on they list they can ask for money towards the shower.
i have very stong feelings about inviting persons to an event and asking them for money. I have told my bridesmaids several times before that I don’t want to put them out financially with the planning of a shower and if it will be costly for them, we can do a lunch with just them and myself and that I would even pay for myself or in the alternative I dont need anything at all.
i’ve also told my mom about this and told her to offer to pay for the shower and tell me what the cost is and I would give her a cheque for it. In that way I would pay for the shower without them knowing. I’m totally fine with this as I am a professional and I make a substantial salary.
please tell me how to deal with this. I’ve spoken with my FI and I think I want to tell them I don’t want a shower, but I’m known for being hot headed and I just don’t want to upset the vibe amongst us on my wedding day.
tell me how I can tactfully refuse this shower in these circumstances.
Post # 3
“i’m sorry, but i refuse to have a shower which was funded by guests. i’d rather not have a shower than have one like that. either find another funding source, or don’t throw the shower.”
Post # 5
@drod: I think your idea to funnel money through your mother is an okay one. A better idea might be to ask your mother to tell them to not do that.
Why aren’t they planning a shower they can afford? For example, at someone’s home with homemade food?
Post # 6
WOW! I would be so pissed if I found out my bridesmaids did that!!! It upsets me that they wouldn’t tell you that is what they were planning. WTH! Have you ever thrown a shower for any of them? If all of your BMs are hosting together, the cost shouldnt be too overwhelming.
Post # 7
@colorofmyheart: This 1000000000 times. Those are my exact feelings.
@solidarity: I have no idea why they can’t set a budget they can afford and just do what they can with that. The thing is they are planning the shower amongst themselves and so my mother has no involvement. I got the idea that my MOH might want to do this guest contribution approach from some things she had said when she was a BM in a wedding last year, so that is why I put my mother on notice.
I just find it to be in such poor taste for them to want guests to contribute money and then still expect them to bring gifts. Which I must say, I do not require. As I’ve hinted before, because of my job people assume I’m very wealthy, so to receive an invitation to my shower asking for money, I can see people saying WTF! And not wanting to come.
This is a huge mess and exactly what I wanted to avoid.
Post # 8
Seriously? That sucks!!! I would just fund it, if I were you. Just be like, “Here, I don’t want the guests to have to pay, so I’ll pay it.”
Post # 9
@SaraP2012: I’ve thrown both a bridal and baby shower for my MOH. When she was getting married she had a destination wedding. I paid the costs for myself and my FI to go to the wedding and I paid 60% of the cost of her shower as well as cooked all the food for it. She only had 3BM and I spilt the cost with one of the other BM bc her sister and MOH was in university at the time and could not contribute financially although she did organize games.
last year my MOH had a baby and that time I paid 50% of the cost bc the other planners wanted to ask guests for money and I said I would have no part of such a shower. That time I also cooked all the food.
and before anyone says that she has a kid and so may be financially strapped now, let me just say that myself and my MOH are in the same profession, so I know how much she makes. Her husband is also in our profession.
Post # 10
Would your mother or FMIL be willing to reach out to them and offer to pay?
Post # 11
I am a firm believer in open, honest communication.Just tell her that you have been advised of the plan to collect money, and if it is true, you do not want a shower under those conditions.
Be clear that you are happy with something simple at someone’s home (can it be held at your mother’s home?), or just a bridal luncheon, but under no circumtances will you be party to collecting money from the guests.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she is doing this with the best of intentions. It seems like in some areas, showers have gotten completely out of hand with huge guests lists, expensive venues and food etc. She needs to know that you do not need that.
Post # 12
@julies1949: thanks for this advice, I may just have to do that.
As far as I know, one other bridesmaid has offered the backyard of her mother’s house as the venue and I’ve given her a count of 21 guests including myself and the five of them. I guess that is why I’m confused by the need to get guests contributions.
Ive even offered buy all the decor bc I will be in NY in a few weeks and can get plates, cups and decorations for very cheap in target or one of those stores. This offer had been out right rejected but they want to ask guests for money. It all boggles my mind.
Post # 13
i do not blame you for feeling this way – i unfortunately would find it very rude and possibly even decline the invite if i were a guest being asked to contribute $ – being asked to bring some type of food would be one thing but I find asking for funding rude, and inappropriate. Be honest with your bridesmaids. Tell them that if they cannot afford it you would like to pitch in or just skip it all together.
Post # 14
@julies1949: This is the best advice, really.
Post # 15
Wow. I can’t believe they want to as, guests for money. I don’t think I would attend a shower like this
Post # 16
@drod: Yeah, I don’t like the idea of BM trying to get guests who are not in the wedding party paying for the shower! That would not sit right with me either. I kinda understand why you might not want to put your foot down and sorta ruin the vibe between you and your girls, but maybe your mom could speak up, and send a email message to the girls saying that she would like to host the shower, or offer her assistance.