My brother eloped and my parents are pissed!

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 46
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017


cmsgirl :  Thanks for this too. It describes Darling Husband & his family dyanmics…his sister is an “eternal adult fledgling” and it’s always bothered me that she receives preferential treatment but hey, it’s made my Darling Husband a much more independent person than she is so it’s a win for him in the long run.

Post # 47
660 posts
Busy bee

sunnierdaysahead2 :  I would congratulate your brother and SIL on their marriage as publicly as possible whether it’s Easter dinner or on Facebook.  

They chose to get married and don’t deserve to lie to people for their own benefit to get showers, a pretend wedding, etc. They both sound pretty entitled and unbearable. Sorry bee. 

Post # 49
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

bee123456789 :  I’ve accepted the situation for what it is. My other sibling hasn’t and I see the impact it has on their emotions and thought process when situations with the other sibling arise in our family. I have a way better relationship with everyone as a result of my newfound acceptance. 

Post # 50
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you parents are justified. They agreed to financially contribute to a WEDDING, which has already now happened behind their backs and with them unfairly uninvited. Anything that happens in June will not be a wedding, just a gift grab. 

Post # 51
6306 posts
Bee Keeper

Your parents aren’t the ones who changed the rules here, your brother and his wife are. Your parents agreed to contribute to a wedding in June. Your brother and his WIFE decided to get married sooner. Period. Unless one of them had some life-threatening illness that required joining the other’s health insurance before June there is really no excuse except outright selfishness. I don’t know how anyone can blame your parents for being hurt and for not wanting to fund a fake party. 

Post # 52
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My dad generally goes along with what my mom says, however, I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen him this upset. 

Just wanted to add, this is why your brother is now doing it. He’s learned to be a doormat from his father.

Post # 53
3068 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I think it’s within their right to choose to elope and even whom to invite. Of course you and your parents feelings of hurt are valid and understandable.

However, your parents were giving them money under the understanding that the big wedding was going to be the real ceremony. So, since that has changed, I would and think it’s acceptable to revoke the monetary contribution. The money was specifically for their ceremony and they’ve already had one.

Likewise, I would not throw a shower because..again…they’re already married. They made that choice so they should be prepared for the outcome. Likewise, you never throw something that you cannot afford even if someone offers a contribution. So that’s on them. 

Lastly, it’s not right to lie to your guests and full disclosure should be given. It’s not also fair to expect others to keep a secret. So, I would not commit to pretending they haven’t already gotten married if that’s what they expect. 

If I were you and your parents, I’d send your brother and his new wife a congrats card and then be done with the whole wedding topic with them. If they try to bring it up, I would simply say I support your decision to get married how you wish even if that meant eloping but, as you are married now, there’s nothing further to entertain and my previous offers no longer apply. 


Post # 54
146 posts
Blushing bee

I can imagine that the parents are very, very hurt, and very angry. If people want to elope, that is their right, but they also need to deal with the fallout from that. What’s yucky about this situation is the parents giving a bunch of money for the wedding. Money does have to have some strings attached. The money was for a specific purpose. That purpose does not exist any more. 

Now, I also think it is OK for a couple to have a Celebration of Marriage, but they need to be very honest with people about already being married, so guests can choose to come if they want, with all the correct information. 

I’m sorry for the parents, the OP, and all the hurt this situation has caused. 

Post # 55
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think they’re 100% in the right. I would be really hurt and to be honest angry that they would expect money from me after not inviting me to their “real” wedding when her parents were there. Why would they invite them, but exlcude your parents?

Post # 57
1777 posts
Buzzing bee

sunnierdaysahead2 :  It looks like they’re reaping what they sowed! Your parents might still support them, but the backlash from friends and family about it looks like it’s going to be nasty.

Post # 58
8163 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sunnierdaysahead2 :  

Your brother did NOT elope, he  had a small private wedding from which he secretly excluded his parents and family and not his FI’ s. A real elopement might have upset  both  sets of parents for a while but would not have done the lasting damage this piece of thoughtless stupidity has. Don’t use or let anyone else use the word to describe the dishonourable thing they  actually did.

If I was the FI’s mum/dad  I would have been most unhappy to be part of this, and might have made my attendance contingent  on  his parents knowing. Them meeting your  parent in the future will, I hope,   be mortifying . (ETA I see from your update they were lied to  and not to blame ) How any party to this could possibly  have thought it was was going to be OK passes my understanding ….

And as for still thinking its OK to have  a big faux wedding which your excluded  parents are paying for and keeping the real  wedding a secret  , well , words fail me . 

How awful for  all, I would find it almost impossible to forgive ( not ‘forgive’ an elopement , but what they specifically have done and and are wanting to do )  God,  I hope your parents don’t let them still have the money etc and/or keep their secret. 

I must confess, I wish your brother and SIL a lot of grief over this , and hope to hear about absolute grovelling apologies being exacted.  

OH and I do agree with a pp who said do publically congratulate  them on their wedding   everywhere,   all over social media,  everything.  And as for a shower , good lord no!  

Post # 59
373 posts
Helper bee

They didn’t give money with “strings attached”…they gave money for a wedding. The wedding happened and your parents were not invited, and so they should 100% pull funds.  

In many cases, I have no issue with an elopement and then a big party after. However, what your brother did was wack. 

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