(Closed) My brother's fiance hinted she doesn't want me to be her bridesmaid anymore?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
9262 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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beach_lover89 :  That sucks that she’s being flaky after already asking you. Could your brother have you stand on his side? 

Post # 3
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

That’s kind of weird and rude on her part to tell you you’d be one and then flake out? I might would leave it alone though unless she says something else. 

Post # 4
Member
5866 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

It sounds like she may end up asking you to step down based on this superstision.  It seems like a bad idea on her part (this is how friendships get damaged) but I’d challenge yourself to just be the bigger person.  You could pro-actively reach out to her now and say, “if you need me to step down I understand, no hard feelings.”  Or you could just wait and see what happens.  As you said, she’s hinted, she has not actually asked you to step down.  Maybe she’ll decide to ask a 5th person, or maybe she’ll stand up for herself and tell her dad that she’s not changing the number.

Post # 5
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

I’d be more concerned that your brother is marrying into a crazy family. If the dad is crazy and the daughter lets him control her like this- there’s an whole crazy future ahead! And who knows, maybe your brother will turn crazy, too, he’s obviously letting her dad control the wedding and not put his foot down. I forsee your relationship with them slowly fading. And her hinting at you stepping down shows she doesn’t care about you as much as you care about her.

Post # 6
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

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yupmarried :  They’re not ‘crazy”. Superstition around the number 4 is actually not that uncommon. Just as you don’t really see Floor 13s anywhere, you don’t see floor 4s in parts of Asia. 

Those cultures treat their superstition the same way some people treat their religion. It obviously varies by person–the same way people are different in how much they adhere to their religions. 

The better solution is for her to just add a 5th person tho. 

Post # 7
Member
47423 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would wait for her to ask you to step down. If you quit, she may very well bring it up in the future how you let her down.

Post # 8
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee

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yupmarried :  Ditto curiouscat2017.  Based on the post, I assumed the bride/father of the bride is of Chinese heritage (or other Asian descent) since 4 is considered unlucky in Chinese culture because the word for four in sounds like the word for death in Chinese.

It’s no more “crazy” than all the superstitions or traditions that people on this board get bent out of shape about in Western cultures have (bride wears white, no one else can wear white, the bride and groom cannot see each other before the wedding, must wear something old/new/borrowed/blue, giving knives as a wedding gift, etc.).  It’s a deeply held belief for him (and possibly her).

Post # 9
Member
14170 posts
Honey Beekeeper

IMO it’s far more “unlucky” to hurt relationships with future SILs or treat people like objects just because you want to reach a certain number. 

FWIW, I think superstitions around the number 13 and all the others mentioned are equally dumb. 

Post # 10
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee

No doubt that it would be rude to kick someone out.  For sure.  But writing off someone’s beliefs (particularly one held deeply by a culture if that is indeed the case) as crazy simply because you don’t believe them or don’t have the cultural awareness to understand the meaning behind it is rude and judgmental.  You don’t have to hold that belief yourself, but should be able to at least respect one’s right to believe it.

Honestly, this sounds like a classic case of a bride jumping the gun asking the wedding party before actually putting real thought into the logistics of it and it is why we will tell people to wait until about 9 months out and definitely no more a year.  She asked within days of getting engaged – did they already plan everything in those couple of days?  So now that she jumped the gun, she’s caught between wanting the people she asked there and trying to honor her father’s beliefs (and possibly her own and her own cultural heritage, if OP ever comes back to confirm) and likely just trying to feel the situation out to see if there is an easy answer, like someone will say “Honestly, I just started a new job and money has been a little tight” so that it just solves itself and she doesn’t have to be the bad guy or make a decision she doesn’t want to make. 

OP, I would just wait it out and try to exercise a little understanding as to where she might be coming from – ask her about this belief and the history of it and why she’s following it.  Don’t volunteer to drop out – just wait and see where she’s goes with this.  I honestly don’t think this is personal, even though it may feel like it to you.  She maybe isn’t going about it the right way, but she’s going to be married into your family and if you’ve otherwise had a good relationship until now, put more stock into that and try to be understanding if she does want you out.  It will be disappointing and I know I personally would never advise a bride to kick someone out, but you have to think big picture here.  Relationships exist beyond the wedding day.

Post # 11
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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weddingmaven :  Lol, I work on the 13th floor in one of the top 10 cities in the US!!! 😱 Obviously I’m not superstitious around the number 13 either. 👍

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beach_lover89 : I really don’t have any advice, but hopefully she will not rescind her invite. That’s in poor taste. 

Post # 12
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee

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yupmarried :  Dude, your statement is dripping with ignorance. I know this is the internet, differing opinions, yada yada, but yikes. 

OP, I would do as 

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cbgg :  said, “if you need me to step down I understand, no hard feelings”  but at this point I would just ride it out and see what happens. It sounds like this is nothing personal, and she does want you as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but is also trying to please her parents. It happens, especially if they are financial contributors to the wedding. 

Post # 14
Member
14170 posts
Honey Beekeeper

 

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annabananabee :  As long as someone’s superstition only affects the person who has it, fine. No skin off of my nose, and I won’t sit it judgment though I may privately think it’s a lot of garbage.  But as soon as you start offending people with that justification, for example gracelessly asking if they might want to bow out of an honor, that’s no longer harmless, it’s insulting and tacky. 

Post # 15
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

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weddingmaven :  13 was a bad example. It’s more like the way people believe in religion. If you are a member of any religion at all, it’s the same way. Do they go around saying that Christians are so strange and weird and crazy for the things they do for the sake of their tradition? 

 

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