(Closed) My brothers wedding.. FSIL organisational skills zilch- vent.. long vent.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow. I think you should tell your brother after the wedding how you felt used by his new wife during this whole weekend.

Because honestly… I wouldn’t hold my breath expecting a “Thank You” card.

Post # 4
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow, I’d be upset too!  She owes you a lifetime of thank you’s!  However, in an attempt to maintain positive, I’d just continue to remind myself that I’m doing it for my brother.  And you know that your family sees what a wonderful help you’ve been.  They’re the ones that truly matter! 

Post # 6
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I know it shouldn’t be your responsibility, but maybe have a little gift for your friend to show her how much you appreciate her efforts. Even just a thank you card and dinner gift certificate or something. It’s hard to swallow, I’m sure, I’d be pretty upset, but just try to think from the perspective that you are doing all of it for your brother!

Post # 7
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

When you told her about your hairdresser friend being able to help, did you explain that your friend was doing a huge favor and how lucky she was that she had time?

I hate to even ask this, but are you sure this girl really wants to get married? She doesn’t sound very excited about her wedding – she sounds really distracted, like her mind is elsewhere!

You’re an incredible sister to do this all for your brother’s sake, and while your Future Sister-In-Law may be too self conscious or anxious or distracted or whatever to recognize it right now, hopefully someday she’ll be able to recognize everything you did to help her out.

Post # 8
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

She sounds like a brat. VERY lucky to have a super nice Future Sister-In-Law like you to help her!

Post # 10
1011 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds as if Future Sister-In-Law has always had people come to her rescue–it’s what she expects.  Why would she change now.  I think that you should just forget about the fact that she hasn’t acknowledged you.  I don’t think she ever will.  What is really nice is that EVERYONE else has seen how you’ve stepped up to the plate.  In any event, those are the people who really matter.

If her family thinks she’s disorganized, then it seems that they’ve always come to her rescue.  And since you’re “family,” she expects you to also.

I can totally see how you feel used!

Post # 11
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

This is not the right time, imo, for you to confront whackadoo Future Sister-In-Law, but after the wedding, I think you should sit down with her and explain that she really needs to write thank you notes (maybe with gifts) to the people that helped her pull it off.  Hairdresser, cake guy, bridesmaids, etc.  Bring cards with you and watch her do it, really, that might be the only way it gets done, and then maybe it will sink in that she needs to say a huge thank you to you too.  But if you make it about you needing thanks you could cause serious friction, which would be hard on everyone in the prep for your (organized) wedding. 

Post # 12
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ahh… so maybe it’s hard for her to be grateful because she’s struggling with feeling out of control of her own wedding. 

If people have been making her decisions for her her whole life, she probably doesn’t even know HOW to make decisions for herself. With two days left, it’s obviously too late for the wedding, but maybe in the future you can help her learn how to make decisions? Or help enable her?

Like, if she was planning a party and you were helping her, you could give her some leads on ideas, and be like, “We need to choose what kind of cake to have by Thursday, so we can order it for Saturday. So let me know by Wednesday, please.” For more complex stuff you could help her work through pros and cons… seems like a lot of hand holding, and who knows if it will help, but maybe ?

Post # 13
484 posts
Helper bee

Obviously I don’t know your situation so please just ignore me if I am way out of line, but I’m going to play devils advocate for just a minute. Some girls really don’t care about their wedding. My SIL didn’t. Granted she is the nicest person on earth and was more than grateful to my mom and hers who planned the whole wedding. But if there was no cake, she wouldn’t have cared, no hair stylist, no big deal. I know we all know and care about these things so it seems crazy and irresponsible that someone didn’t think of them but maybe she really just doesn’t care about the wedding details. Maybe she isn’t thanking you because she really doesn’t understand the lengths you are going to? It also sounds like she didn’t ask you for help so maybe she is kind of oblivious? Hopefully either your brother or her friends and family clue her in soon on the fact that she owes you many thanks.

I think you are an amazing SIL to do everything you are doing for her. I hope that she wakes up and realizes it and gives you the huge ‘thank you’ that you deserve.

Post # 15
4 posts
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m a super organized person, and I was especially so for my own wedding, but I understand that not everyone is like this. It’s really aggravating – I can only imagine how frustrated you must be – but there are a lot of people who are the opposite of organized and they don’t often realize the toll it takes on other people around them. I guess we all have our shortcomings. The no thank you’s is bothersome as well, but I’ve run into people like that as well – I chalk it up to not being raised to say thank you or the person just being oblivious to proper social behavior. I dated a man for 3.5 years who never said thank you to a single person, ever, and I’m the kind of person who says thank you for everything. He was otherwise a wonderful man, so I just chalked it up to one of those personality quirks, and let it go.

Keep doing what you’re doing for your brother’s sake and don’t take too much of your FSIL’s actions – or inactions – too personally. The disorganization is probably going to be a lifetime personality thing – I’m completely absent-minded myself and i hate it – but it might be worth a mention to your brother at some point that you felt that Future Sister-In-Law didn’t seem to appreciate any of the help for the wedding and it hurt your feelings.

Post # 16
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I really don’t know you or this girl – but she sounds like my sister. She does this stuff to obsolve herself of having any responsibility whatsoever in the outcome of the situation, and so other people have to come to her rescue which gives her the love, attention, appreciation, and acceptance that she seeks. Pisses me right off and it’s a control mechanism like people that are habitually late. Took me years to look her in the eye and say “wow that really sucks you forgot that, well good luck putting everything together” and not swooping in to help her.

That or your FSIL really doesn’t care too much about the whole wedding thing and she and your brother are too madly in love to be bothered with such details as hair, makeup, cupcake tins, etc. In which case I applaud them :).

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