Post # 1
so the other week I posted about my brother getting married and that his Future Sister-In-Law and his organisation skills suck. There was so much to do.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/brother-is-getting-married-in-26-days-and-its-in-a-shambles <background info here.
I have just come back from a semi rehearsal dinner? litterally the bridesmaids, groomsmen and family went out for chinese. After discussion with Future Sister-In-Law she still hadnt booked hairdresser… thats right TWO days before the wedding. I said I could be able to help by calling my hairdresser friend and she could do it if she wanted? She said yes, so i called and litterally Future Sister-In-Law is sooooooooo lucky that my friend will be able to do it. i told her the news.. and she said.. oh ok… no thankyou or zip.
I talked to Maid/Matron of Honor who happens to be Future Sister-In-Law sister… and she was saying that Future Sister-In-Law was really disorganised and that we would litterally have to take over the reigns. So.. I helped as best I could without being organisational bitchy literally just answering whatever questions they had and Im meeting up with the Maid/Matron of Honor tomorrow at 8.30.
My brother and Future Sister-In-Law have travelled 4hrs to get to my parents place were they are getting married.. and literally forgotten, half the things they were supposed to bring.. i.e cupcake pans, ingredients.. groomsmen shirt.. FSILs makeup.
I managed to be able to call my cake decorator at 9pm at night, and he has come to the rescue with bulk ingredients.. and im picking them up tomorrow.
I got thanks from my brother.. but no thanks from her.
I dont know why that is upsetting me so much. I feel used almost. But im determined to keep positive. Not step on her toes and help my brother out the best I can without being controlling or organisational queen. My mum is really grateful and so is FSILs mum and the bridesmaids are saying, I do not know what we had done without u.
So i feel as tho im helping okay.. I just feel I need her thanks? is that wrong? Should I be right to expect a thankyou?
Anyway… going to be a long day tomorrow! im hanging in there!
Post # 3
Wow. I think you should tell your brother after the wedding how you felt used by his new wife during this whole weekend.
Because honestly… I wouldn’t hold my breath expecting a “Thank You” card.
Post # 4
Wow, I’d be upset too! She owes you a lifetime of thank you’s! However, in an attempt to maintain positive, I’d just continue to remind myself that I’m doing it for my brother. And you know that your family sees what a wonderful help you’ve been. They’re the ones that truly matter!
Post # 5
I think what im annoyed about it is that a friend of mine..ive called at 8.30 at night has gone out of her way to help. (my hairdresser friend is in one of the top salons in the city and there is a 10 week wait to get in to see her and the fact that shes going to do it last minute and.. probably do it for half the original amount is a lifetime of thankyous on my behalf and should be for FSIL) Future Sister-In-Law knows how good my friend is as she has seen my friends portfolio sitting on our dining room table and raved about it. To me its a big deal, because Im calling a favor from a friend in her spare time and Im worried that she wont get any thanks from Future Sister-In-Law if i cant even get a thanks from her for organising it?
i think thats what im more worried about or going to be upset about if she doesnt say thanks.
Post # 6
I know it shouldn’t be your responsibility, but maybe have a little gift for your friend to show her how much you appreciate her efforts. Even just a thank you card and dinner gift certificate or something. It’s hard to swallow, I’m sure, I’d be pretty upset, but just try to think from the perspective that you are doing all of it for your brother!
Post # 7
When you told her about your hairdresser friend being able to help, did you explain that your friend was doing a huge favor and how lucky she was that she had time?
I hate to even ask this, but are you sure this girl really wants to get married? She doesn’t sound very excited about her wedding – she sounds really distracted, like her mind is elsewhere!
You’re an incredible sister to do this all for your brother’s sake, and while your Future Sister-In-Law may be too self conscious or anxious or distracted or whatever to recognize it right now, hopefully someday she’ll be able to recognize everything you did to help her out.
Post # 8
She sounds like a brat. VERY lucky to have a super nice Future Sister-In-Law like you to help her!
Post # 9
oh she wants to get married.. I think the impression I got tonight from her family is that she is always this disorganised and really has trouble making decisions (obviously) so people have to step in, then she steps back again and gets all quiet.. However, because she is being so disorganised, people do need to step in and I think she feels pushed into decisions because she hasnt made up her own mind in time! everything last minute!
Post # 10
It sounds as if Future Sister-In-Law has always had people come to her rescue–it’s what she expects. Why would she change now. I think that you should just forget about the fact that she hasn’t acknowledged you. I don’t think she ever will. What is really nice is that EVERYONE else has seen how you’ve stepped up to the plate. In any event, those are the people who really matter.
If her family thinks she’s disorganized, then it seems that they’ve always come to her rescue. And since you’re “family,” she expects you to also.
I can totally see how you feel used!
Post # 11
This is not the right time, imo, for you to confront whackadoo Future Sister-In-Law, but after the wedding, I think you should sit down with her and explain that she really needs to write thank you notes (maybe with gifts) to the people that helped her pull it off. Hairdresser, cake guy, bridesmaids, etc. Bring cards with you and watch her do it, really, that might be the only way it gets done, and then maybe it will sink in that she needs to say a huge thank you to you too. But if you make it about you needing thanks you could cause serious friction, which would be hard on everyone in the prep for your (organized) wedding.
Post # 12
ahh… so maybe it’s hard for her to be grateful because she’s struggling with feeling out of control of her own wedding.
If people have been making her decisions for her her whole life, she probably doesn’t even know HOW to make decisions for herself. With two days left, it’s obviously too late for the wedding, but maybe in the future you can help her learn how to make decisions? Or help enable her?
Like, if she was planning a party and you were helping her, you could give her some leads on ideas, and be like, “We need to choose what kind of cake to have by Thursday, so we can order it for Saturday. So let me know by Wednesday, please.” For more complex stuff you could help her work through pros and cons… seems like a lot of hand holding, and who knows if it will help, but maybe ?
Post # 13
Obviously I don’t know your situation so please just ignore me if I am way out of line, but I’m going to play devils advocate for just a minute. Some girls really don’t care about their wedding. My SIL didn’t. Granted she is the nicest person on earth and was more than grateful to my mom and hers who planned the whole wedding. But if there was no cake, she wouldn’t have cared, no hair stylist, no big deal. I know we all know and care about these things so it seems crazy and irresponsible that someone didn’t think of them but maybe she really just doesn’t care about the wedding details. Maybe she isn’t thanking you because she really doesn’t understand the lengths you are going to? It also sounds like she didn’t ask you for help so maybe she is kind of oblivious? Hopefully either your brother or her friends and family clue her in soon on the fact that she owes you many thanks.
I think you are an amazing SIL to do everything you are doing for her. I hope that she wakes up and realizes it and gives you the huge ‘thank you’ that you deserve.
Post # 14
Thanks for the input ladies… Im emotionally tuckered out for the night. ive deemed to put a happy face on for the next few days and take it my stride. I will say thank yous to my friends who have helped and I got a text message from my hairdresser friend to say, bring a bottle of vodka for after the wedding, so I think the wedding reception will turn out great.
Im doing this for my brother totally but I wished she got her butt into gear, so she could have had the things she wanted so she can actually enjoy her day? I really hope she does.
Next time.. god I hope theres not a next time.. Im not giving her responsibitily for anything in my wedding. Its too unreliable. You think at the age of 27 she would have a few organisational skills by now.
Post # 15
I’m a super organized person, and I was especially so for my own wedding, but I understand that not everyone is like this. It’s really aggravating – I can only imagine how frustrated you must be – but there are a lot of people who are the opposite of organized and they don’t often realize the toll it takes on other people around them. I guess we all have our shortcomings. The no thank you’s is bothersome as well, but I’ve run into people like that as well – I chalk it up to not being raised to say thank you or the person just being oblivious to proper social behavior. I dated a man for 3.5 years who never said thank you to a single person, ever, and I’m the kind of person who says thank you for everything. He was otherwise a wonderful man, so I just chalked it up to one of those personality quirks, and let it go.
Keep doing what you’re doing for your brother’s sake and don’t take too much of your FSIL’s actions – or inactions – too personally. The disorganization is probably going to be a lifetime personality thing – I’m completely absent-minded myself and i hate it – but it might be worth a mention to your brother at some point that you felt that Future Sister-In-Law didn’t seem to appreciate any of the help for the wedding and it hurt your feelings.
Post # 16
I really don’t know you or this girl – but she sounds like my sister. She does this stuff to obsolve herself of having any responsibility whatsoever in the outcome of the situation, and so other people have to come to her rescue which gives her the love, attention, appreciation, and acceptance that she seeks. Pisses me right off and it’s a control mechanism like people that are habitually late. Took me years to look her in the eye and say “wow that really sucks you forgot that, well good luck putting everything together” and not swooping in to help her.
That or your FSIL really doesn’t care too much about the whole wedding thing and she and your brother are too madly in love to be bothered with such details as hair, makeup, cupcake tins, etc. In which case I applaud them :).