(Closed) My cats are causing a rift between FI and I….

posted 6 years ago in Pets
Post # 3
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would no sooner get rid of my cats than a child. They are family members, not disposable playthings. I flat out told my FH that he needed to know that my cats are part of my family and to NEVER make me chose between him and the cats because he would LOSE. I frankly have no advice to give you – I run an animal sanctuary where I permanently care for other people’s cast-offs. For me to say how disgusted I am about society’s attitudes regarding non-human animals would take pages and might be mistaken as a personal attack.

Post # 4
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Well, I may not be the popular opinion on this, but I have a lot of experience with cats, so I’ll answer anyway.

It’s my personal belief that pets are for life.   Barring extenuating circumstances, you don’t get “rid” of them when you get married, or before you even have a kid.  I understand that some people are allergic, but your Fiance seems to have pretty surface issues.

All of these “problems” seem like something that could be fixed.  What is his issue with the litterbox?  If it smells, cleaning it more often is typically the solution.  If their poop smells, switching to an organic food with less fillers can often solve that problem.  Same with the food “smell.”  I feed organic food (honestly not that expensive) and I’ve never even thought of the smell of my cats food.  It also makes them shed less/have a nicer coat.  Cat hair problems can be solved by brushing, the Furminator, pet hair rollers for the furniture, etc.

What type of “destruction” do they get into?  There are usually pretty easy solutions.

I don’t mean to sound critical, but it makes me sad to think you’re already planning on rehoming the cats before you have children.  Older cats have extreme difficulty getting adopted.

Post # 5
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m sorry but that would be a deal breaker for me.

My cat is part of my family and I would never give him up for a relationship.

The commitment you made to those animals when you got them is a commitment to them for their lifetime, not a commitment to them until something better comes along.

Your Fiance should understand that your pets are a part of your family, they aren’t an ugly couch in the corner you can dump when you combine belongings.

Post # 6
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@KT808: agreed. 

Sorry but honestly not accepting my pets would be a level 1 deal breaker for me. They are family. Now if he didn’t want you to get MORE pets in the future, okay I can see that compromsie I guess (although I don’t like it and wouldn’t do it). But to make you abandon your current pets? Not okay.

Post # 7
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have to agree with the PPs, the cats and I are a package deal. Maybe if your Fiance hasn’t really ever had indoor pets he needs some time to get used to them? I just couldn’t imagine being separated from my kitties. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be so forgiving and willing to compromise. I’m a “love me love my cats” type of gal 😉

Post # 8
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m going to speak as the non-cat/pet person.  If my Fiance had a pet that he wouldn’t get rid of because of me (I’m massively allergic), I’d do some serious reconsidering if he was really serious about me.  

I can definitely understand how pets are family – without a doubt – but, a non-pet person doesn’t put pets above humans (in their mind) – even though they can understand where the pet-loving person is coming from.

….just some thoughts from the other side.  I’m sure your Fiance doesn’t want to see you lose your cat, but it must be pretty unbearable.  And, the last thing you want to do is fight all the time about the pet.  If he knows he can’t handle having a cat, there’s no reason to push him any farther.  I’m sorry he wasn’t more upfront with you in the beginning and I’m sorry you are having to find them a new home.  HUGS

Post # 9
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m a dog person and if my Fiance ever told me that she wasn’t welcome, that would cause a huge argument. Having a dog makes me happy. A dog fits with my idea of a family and giving them up for the rest of my life would not be an option. Fiance feels the same about his cats. We’re both slightly allergic to the other’s pets, but not enough to be a deal breaker. We’ll learn to live with each other’s animals.

Your man already told you it would be ok to bring them. So go to your place and bring them over! Not something he can backtrack on, in my opinion. If they are truly disasterous after a couple months, then maybe you’ll need to talk about it again then. Unless there is an issue with these particular cats or he has a serious allergy, then i think its crazy that he would ask you to give up animals for the rest of your life, especially since he already made the point about them making you happy and him wanting that for you.

Post # 10
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@oracle:  Agreed.

Seriously, animals over the human you love?  I love animals too even though I’m seriously allergic, but if my fiance had a dog or cat that he chose over me I’d be gone.  For me it’s not even a “I dont like dogs so I don’t want to live with one”…. it’s a serious health issue and I wouldn’t be able to spend an hour in the house with him, let alone live together -and I’d also be allergic to his clothes.  There’d be no bones about it, I’m outta there.  You come as a package deal with other humans (like kids)… not animals.

Post # 11
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@KristenGotMarried: I think that really bad allergies are in a different category altogher than having an animal being an annoyance or not “ideal.”

Choosing animals over SO w/ severe allergies=mean.

Making your SO choose you over their animals because you don’t like litter box smells=also mean.

Post # 12
Member
2951 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I used the Arm and Hammer Cat Litter made from corn. It was amazing and you could NEVER smell the litter. We no longer have house cats but I would def suggest it! I hope you all are able to resolve the issue! I agree that pets shouldnt be so disposable. there are tons of solutions to try out first.

Post # 13
Member
5784 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I consider very few things dealbreakers but this I would not tolerate (the only exceptions being if he was deathly allergic or my pet was openly aggressive towards him). When I moved in with Darling Husband I also got to live with a 90+lb dog that likes to slobber on my work pants about 3 seconds before I walk out the door. I would never in a million years have told Darling Husband to find a new home for him.

Post # 14
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@KristenGettingMarried and @oracle: OP’s Fiance is not allergic.  He just doesn’t prefer the cats. 

Post # 15
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Okay I definitely agree that it shouldn’t be about just personal preference then.  Especially since OP said she cleared it with her dude before they talked about moving in anyway.  That’s not right.

🙂

Post # 16
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I can’t even comprehend adopting cats while at the same time planning to give them away after having children. I would not enter into a marriage if it required me to give up my animals for any of these reasons.

The topic ‘My cats are causing a rift between FI and I….’ is closed to new replies.

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