(Closed) My child's Father's text leads to argument (NWR)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@rickhurst35:  +1, your kids are lucky to have parents like you

Post # 18
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

He’s guilt-tripping you and then taking it out on his daughter (‘Why didn’t you call me?’ to a six-year-old, …. disgraceful!). If he wanted to talk to her so desperately, why didn’t he ring her (you?) to thank his daughter for the present?

 

 If he wanted to speak to her, then when you OFFERED him his daughter for the weekend, he should have said ‘I’m not free that day, but can we schedule a call so I get to speak to her?’.

 

You offered him the opportunity to spend the day with his daughter, which he refused, not (apparently) for work reasons but for recreational ones. Which suggests that the day isn’t a big priority for him (or he’d jump at the chance to spend it with her).

 

And regardless of what the mother does or does not do, there is NO EXCUSE for the father taking this out on the child.

 

He is guilt-tripping you AND your daughter, and that is not OK. For her sake, I would try to continue to remain amicable with him, but I would tell him that if he has any issue about your daughter’s communications with him, to speak to you about it and NOT to address it with her. That’s so unfair and it needs to be nipped in the bud right now. If it isn’t, then she is going to grow up feeling guilty about stuff that isn’t in any way her fault.

 

 

 

Post # 19
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

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@Chrysoberyl:  That’s the parents fault for thinking of themselves before putting the child(ren) first.  IMO.  When parents are divorced, or separated, they tend to think of themselves before the well-being of their own children.  Children have 2 parents.  Parents need to respect one another for the sake of their own children and not put their children in the middle of situations like this and not put a guilt trip on the child(ren).  

Post # 20
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

Please don’t flame me for this, but we don’t know what type of man the father is. With SO’s father, ever since he and SO’s mom divorced, if he says “I’m gonna be out of town” it means “I’m escaping the city and don’t want to be contacted.” He honestly will be upset if anyone calls him unless it’s an emergency. For all we know, maybe the father is generally this way when he goes away with his friends.

That being said, I come from a family that has rarely celebrated Father’s Day on Father’s Day, so I do see the card and gift a few days before as being the necessary celebration.

Post # 21
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree it is the mother’s responsibility to ensure the child calls since she is only 6. That being said, the child did contact him and give him a gift the day before because he said he wasn’t going to be able to take the child for Father’s Day, so that tells me that he wasn’t going to be available to be reached (and obviously if he texted at midnight he probably wouldn’t have been available during the day).

Post # 22
Member
1794 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@fishbone:  +1 . It’s your responsibility as a parent not to let your feelings about your ex affect her relationship with her father.

Post # 23
Member
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yeah I think you should have helped your daughter call her dad on Father’s Day.  He shouldn’t have to call her on that day.  Whether or not he was available to spend time with her or not is beside the point.  

My dad sometimes goes on vacation for father’s day. That doesn’t mean we don’t call him because we can’t spend time with him because he is away. 

Post # 24
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@visorgirl:  +1

As a kid whose dad wasn’t around, your daughter’s father is being a giant douche. You gave him a chance and he declined. She already gave him a card and gifts and wished him a happy father’s day. I come from a family that celebrates holidays when they can, so to me, what she already did counts. I don’t think she needed to ALSO call him to wish him a happy father’s day AGAIN.

Post # 25
Member
4950 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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@vorpalette:  I agree completely.

Post # 26
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@slc201329:  As the all to rare mother without custody, I can see your ex’s side. However, his passive-agressive text was unneccesary. He’s more than old enough to call your daughter himself.

I call my children every sunday and leave a message. It’s been about two months since they or their father last contacted me. My kids are older than your daughter, but it still hurts when they don’t contact me for Mother’s Day or my birthday. I imagine that he was hurt, and was a jackass. 

Personally, a mutual apology is my suggestion, to clear the air and get things back to how they were before.

Post # 27
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

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@fishbone:  

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@MrsWBS

Thanks for you alls advice about apologizing. The only reason I was so upset was because I got the text at 12 (midnight). Although we weren’t in the bed yet, I think it is totally inappropriate to text me a that time of the hour. And I know him, the point of his text was to make me feel guilty for not contacting him on Father’s Day. But the fact is, I did not do this on purpose nor to spite him for going out of town. I am not that type of person. We did get busy with my parents and a big group of my family. We didn’t get home until around 11pm. And she was just settling into bed when he texted. My life doesn’t revolve around him but he seems to think it should. But as soon as I got the text I thought to myself “oops! we didn’t call did we?” So I called him right then and immediately handed her the phone to let her talk to him. After she was done and was criticized for not calling him, I got the phone and said sorry we had a busy day and I figured since you were out of town you were busy with your friends. He did say with an attitude that he is never too busy to talk to his daughter and I said we’ll you could have called as well to talk to her. That’s when he says with attitude “why should I have to call her on Father’s Day?” He hangs up on me and I can’t help but to text him my thoughts about him since he gave me an open invitation to do so by texting me at 12am! My apology seemed to go south after this.

Just to reiterate, I also contacted him the day before to ask if he wanted her on Sunday don’t know if you paid attention to that…not knowing he was out of town for the weekend. On Saturday I was actually wondering if he was going to ever contact me to tell me what time he was going to get her…but by 6pm he hadn’t contacted me, so I contacted him. In my opinion he should have called me and said he would be out of town for Father’s Day. Ok that’s his business and I personally do not care what he does. But what if hypothetically I had told our child that she was gonna spend the day tomorrow with her daddy b/c its Father’s Day before I had contacted him and knew he was out of town. I told her that she would see him Monday evening when I went to work and she said “Me and my nana already gave him his Father’s Day gift and card when you was at work the last time.” So they gave him his gift on Thursday night, two days before Father’s Day. So obviously my child and his grandma (her nana) knew he was going to be out of town since they gave him the gift beforehand.

As someone mentioned we do have poor communication skills but its not from the lack of trying on my part.

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@rickhurst35:  My child does come first. Despite the fact that we had a bad relationship when we were together, I still try my best to show him respect. What happened in our relationship I see is happening in my childs relationship with him. He says that hes in her life, visiting her and there when its convenient is not really in her life you think? The fact remains that his grandma is the one who keeps her at night when I am at work, not him. And I know he is more than capable of keeping her at night if he was to not hang out with his friends. I work 3 nights a week, but I allow his side to have her as much as they can. His nana takes care of his responsibility…she deserves the Father’s Day gift. Yes he may go over his grandma’s to visit her for a hour or two while she is there to eat dinner but he leaves her there instead of taking her home with him. Planning trips with your friends, hanging out at all hours of the night with your friends because you have yet to grow up was one of the reason I got out of the relationship. Being spoiled and not having to take care of his responsibility because his grandma and mother does is one another reason I got out of the relationship. And I see him doing the same thing to my child because no one has informed him that he is 30+ years old and needs to grow up. But I will say this again, not giving her the phone to call wasn’t done to spite him or on purpose because regardless of our issues my child loves him to death and I would never hurt her in the process. And regardless of his faults I still allow her to go over his nana’s at night so that he can see her here and there. My own mother (who is willing to keep her while I work) doesn’t get to because I let his grandma have her. My fiance doesn’t keep her because I want her dad in her life somehow. But he wants to guilt trip me for making a mistake and not calling. Then texts at 12am.

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@Chrysoberyl:  yes, he was really upset that he didn’t get a call on the acutual day when in fact my child had already gave him his gift, card, and obviously had wished him a happy Father’s Day two days beforehand. And its obvious he texted when it was convenient for him at 12am when he finally thought about the fact that his child didn’t call him.

Thanks everyone for your response. I think I just needed to vent about the situation. I guess I am wrong for forgetting to call my child’s dad on Father’s Day. And I was thinking maybe I should apologize for addressing my thoughts to him about himself. But I will just remain cordial with him for my child’s sake.

Post # 28
Member
9853 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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@slc201329:  yes I read the part about you offering for him to have her on that day, but even though he turned that down doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have appreciated a call on the actual day, even though she gave him the gift a few days beforehand. You should apologise to him for not getting your child to call her dad on that day. But he should also apologise, to you and your child for his taking out his frustration with you on her. He had every right to be upset but he shouldn’t have taking it oit on his daughter. 

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