(Closed) My close friend hates my Fiance???

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I certainly wouldnt make any more effort regarding the friendship but I don’t have much patience for that kind of thing. If people are nasty to me and mine a time or two, I tend to write them off. She is either jealous or she knows something she is not telling you…I would bet on jealousy and I don’t waste time on petty stuff like that.

Post # 4
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Has your husband ever actually apologized to her for going off on her, or did you just send the message for him? Maybe she felt like she was telling you her concerns about him (and being a “good friend”, although sometimes it’s smarter to just keep your mouth shut), but justified it by not saying it TO him, whereas he lit her up in an argument. If she holds grudges, that one maybe around for a while.

If you want to remain friends with her, have you tried inviting her to hang out with just the two of you, no mention of your husband? You may have to have two individual relationships until they choose to clear the air – you can’t force them to like each other. Otherwise, you can pick a side and sever ties. It just depends on how much she means to you.

Post # 5
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Mayonaka:  Not worth the effort. Her problem.

Post # 6
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I think she has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with your husband. Pushing them to be around each other was a mistake. If she was open about the fact that she didn’t want to spend time with him, the two of you could have hung out “just the girls”.

I would have been pretty pissed to if I told my friend that she thought she could do better and she turned around and told the guy, and then the guy went off on me. I think that right there was the end of the two of them to really ever be able to tolerate each other.

I would let her know you want to be friends and understand if it needs to be the two of you when you get totgether and leave the ball in her court from there.

Post # 7
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think that it would be uncomfortable for me to stay friends with someone who openly hated my husband.  I would stop making an effort to be friends with her.

Post # 8
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@McFierce:  This.

I think you need to put your foot down. He is your husband, and she needs to be aware that she needs to either accept him, or you will discontinue the relationship with her. Personally, I do not think it is acceptable to be around a person who makes nasty comments about your spouse, unless those comments are truly made out of love and concern for you.

Post # 9
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

I have a hard time understanding why you’d relay to your husband (then fiance) the concerns your friend expressed to you. Did you want to instigate a fight? Do you like drama? Because it sure seems that way to me. If I had told a close friend those sorts of things and she turned around and told her SO, I’d sever the friendship myself, feeling I could never confide in my friend in confidence.

Is you friend the only one of your friends and family who doesn’t like your husband? 

 

Post # 11
Member
5405 posts
Bee Keeper

Usually I would be in agreement with you, but I am actually right now texting my best friend about a mutual friend (who used to be my closest friend ever, but now isn’t because her boyfriend is a dick) and how her boyfriend is really not a nice person and if he has changed at all. We all know it, but she doesn’t and she doesn’t want to hear that he is not nice. He is really….icky is the best way I can describe it. If she is the only person in your life who has a problem with him, it may be time to let the friendship go. But if other friends or family members have expressed concerns, maybe there is something you aren’t seeing. 

Post # 12
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

Only you can decide if her friendship is worth maintaining, but I can honestly tell you that it’s not that unreasonable to want to be YOUR friend but not your FI’s.  

My best friend/roommate when I first met Darling Husband and I had a similar situation– except it was doubly complicated… We were living together, and she started dating a guy that I though was a complete jerk and overly controlling.  I told my friend this, and it caused some tension between us.  Shorly after, I started dating Darling Husband, who had a really bad history with my friend as well (small town, long story, but they hate eachother). 

Anyway, we wanted to maintain our friendship, so when we get together it’s just her and me.  We leave our SO’s at home because that’s what makes us both more comfortable.  Do I wish that she and Darling Husband could get over the stupid crap that happened when they were 16? Absolutely– does she wish I could stop being mad at her Darling Husband over the ill words that were shared between us 6 years ago? I’m sure she does.  But that’s not going to happen… 

I value her friendship more than I dislike her Darling Husband, so we made it work.  Only you can decide if that’s something you’re willing to do or not.  

Post # 14
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you made a huge mistake by telling your FI-at-the-time all the concerns your friend had about him.  I think she was trying to be a good friend by telling you what she disliked about your man and why you shouldn’t marry him.  Perhaps she was wrong, but it takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you don’t like their SO and that they shouldn’t be with them.  But, what’s done is done.

Now, she’s being a bad friend because even if you dislike someone and you think that they shouldn’t be in the relationship that they’re in, you still need to remain friendly with your friend.  She should have said what she felt and when you said you were still going to marry your Fiance, either sucked it up and put a brave face on (which was probably hard since you went and told your Fiance everything she said!) or said that she couldn’t support the relationship and couldn’t be friends with you while you were in the relationship. 

At this point, I think you’ve done all there is to do.  You’ve tried to be friends with her and she just won’t accept.  So, I would say – message her one more time and say something like, “I’ve tried to make plans with you x amount of times (or countless times, etc) and every time, I’m met with an excuse or silence.  I understand you don’t like Darling Husband, but I thought we could still be friends even if it meant just hanging out the two of us.  I’m putting the ball in your court.  I’m tired of constantly trying to make plans and being rejected.  You know how to reach me should you wish to salvage this relationship.”  And end it there and move on.  

Post # 15
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Also, what were the reasons she cited not liking your FI? 

Post # 16
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@futuremrsk18:  +1

 

I was going to ask the exact same thing. What exactly is it about your husband that she doesn’t like?

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