(Closed) My close friend turned down being in my wedding

posted 2 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

OK, then, I’d just tell her you understand and drop it. Maybe this time next year broach it gently and see if she feels any different. If not, then again say you understand and drop it.

Post # 17
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

I am the maid of honor for my best friend, where her fiancé is the step brother to my ex boyfriend of 5 years. We lived together and had talked about getting married. He’s in the bridal party. Guess what…yeah, it’s going to be awkward and weird but I am there for HER, not him. I’m there to support her and make her feel beautiful on her big day. My boyfriend/almost fiancé is coming with me (destination) and he doesn’t care that my ex in the party. At some point you mature and move on from the petty things like this. Honestly, it sounds like she might not really want to be all that involved and this was her out. But with that said, no one is obligated to be in your bridal party. Look at it this way, if she had said yes, what if she was miserable and brought you down? You wouldn’t want that, so she did you a favor by saying no!

Post # 18
Member
884 posts
Busy bee

Do you know the entire story of their breakup? Maybe there is more to it that you don’t know? People have to set boundaries for themselves. I think that its extreme and sad that she won’t be part of your day, but maybe she really needs to do this for herself. 

Post # 19
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I’ve been a bridesmaid in not one but two weddings where an ex was a groomsman. In one, we’d been broken up just over a year after dating for over four years and living together. It did not end amicably. All this to say that I decided there was no way I was going to let him ruin that opportunity for me and so I just made sure I looked fabulous and went about the day. Sure, there were moments of anxiety and discomfort but it was mostly a great day and we got along fine.

I can totally understand why your friend would be uncomfortable and I can also understand your disappointment. I think if I were you I’d let her know you understand but that the invitation stands (if you have time to let her think about it). I think if she has some time to sit with the idea she might come around. If she doesn’t though, be understanding.

Post # 20
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

It really sounds like the ruined wedding comment was a power move to try and get you to convince your husband to drop the other groomsmen. You are right, it definitely shouldn’t be a deabreaker and seems immature if that is the reason. As long as there was no abuse etc. in their relationship. 

If you called her bluff and continued on without her being a bridesmaid, I wouldnt be surprised if she started feeling left out and asked to be a bridesmaid again closer to the wedding. I might formally ask her again later down the line to give her another chance. 

Post # 23
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe American weddings (presuming you’re from the US) are different to British ones, but when I’ve been a bridesmaid I literally had nothing to do with the best man/men. Literally nothing. I think the most we ever did was have a couple of photos with the bride and groom, but the men were on the grooms side and the bridesmaids were on the bride’s side. All the bridesmaids walk down the aisle by themselves, because usually there is only one best man (in some cases more than one) and they are not part of the procession. They walk in first with the groom before the procession starts.

If you really want her to be bridesmaid and she genuinely feels uncomfortable doing anything with her ex then you could make some adjustments so they’re not together?   

Post # 24
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

Wow, that is petty. It’s also kind of ridiculous how many people are judging this poor friend without knowing a thing about her relationship with her ex.  It’s great if you’re cool being around an ex.  But what if this guy was abusive?  What if there was some kind of assault? None of you know anything about this girl.  Even the OP might not know what went on behind closed doors. And in any event, why is the friend obliged to endure emotional turmoil so that OP can have her picture perfect bridal party? If this girl is as good a friend as OP says, she should give her the benefit of the doubt and be a bit more understanding and respectful.  People’s lives and psychological well being do not revolve around your wedding.  If I had a friend that couldn’t understand that, they would not be my friend anymore.   ladyjane123 :  

Post # 26
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

I totally get why you would feel upset, and I think you’re handling the situation well.  My response wasn’t really directed at you, moreso ladyjane because what she said shocked me.  kenziewol :  

Post # 27
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

kenziewol :  As a note, you can know someone for years and not know of their abusive behavior. Unless she has said something, I wouldn’t assume one way or the other.

Post # 28
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

I bet it has to do with her new boyfriend.  Maybe she is worried he’d be mad about it. 

I think she’ll regret her decision, especially since the wedding is 2 years away.  

Post # 29
Member
3250 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

ladyjane123 :  Not everyone thinks that kind of stuff is fun or would care if they missed it. It’s not necessarily a “punishment” to not attend those things. And it would be a poor demonstration of friendship to punish someone you care about for not being comfortable around their ex. People are entitled to limit their interactions with people who make them uncomfortable. 

Post # 30
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

kenziewol :  TBH i think she is being a shitty friend because this is such a petty reason. I mean she will literally see the dude twice and if she can’t put aside her feelings for the sake of the biggest day of one of her best friends lives than maybe she doesn’t prioritize your friendship like you do here. I’m so sorry to say. It’s completely understandable if it was a reason like money is tight or her job is really demanding or something along those lines. I would be hurt if I were you as well. Maybe talk to her in a calm manner explaining why this hurts you and reiterate that she won’t even have to interact with the guy. I’m the type of person when a close friend of mine is being crappy or doing something that hurts me I’m straight up with them. Good luck!

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